


Sburb Institutions

by 21lillian21



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Calliborn is a Jerk, Eventual Smut, F/F, Humanstuck, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institution AU, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Romance, Rough Kissing, Sadstuck, Swearing, Violence, Yaoi, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-20 18:54:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 60,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/890670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/21lillian21/pseuds/21lillian21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name, is Dirk Strider. And as far as you're concerned, this is the beginning of the end of your life. </p><p>With bags full of only what your parents allowed you to take, a fixed gaze and a heavy heart, you look upon the place that would be your new residence for the next few years of your life. Sburb institutions, an institution for the mentally unstable and unfit for society. This was so not ironic.</p><p>In which Dirk goes to the Mental ward called Sburb Institution and meets friends, and enemies and crazy people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Your New Home

**Author's Note:**

> Alright new story, I've got a lot of plot bunnies for this and I am ready to write. I also have a lot of Jake/Dirk stories and plots in my head so look forward to those.  
> Here is the first chapter, please enjoy. ;D

It wasn't days, weeks, or even months that led up to his admittance to Sburb institutions. It had been years. Years of beating himself up emotionally and causing himself so much paranoia and anxiety that he eventually didn't even want to talk to his best friends, let alone strangers or his parents, or even his brother. Not that he really thought they cared since they had more important things to do. Maybe they didn't even notice he was gone, or maybe they rejoiced because it meant that they didn't have to listen to his stupid long-winded, one-sided conversations anymore or- Ah... He was doing it again.

Dirk stared at the ominous sliding glass doors that remained several feet in front of him. The ironic pointy shades he wore thankfully made it impossible for anyone to read his emotions. There was a gentle touch to his back and he jerked away from it to turn and stare at the woman who had touched him. His mother looked quite shocked and she gently pulled her hand back to her side as she nervously watched her son.

"Dirk honey? I know this is rough, but things will get better and then we'll come get you. You don't have to worry and you can always call us." She used a soothing tone in an attempt to quell her sons nerves. Not that she would be able to tell how nervous he was.

Dirk gave a curt nod in response to his moms' words and remained as stoic and tense as he had when he'd gotten the news from his parents. He shuffled the duffle bag on his shoulder before gripping little Cal a little closer in his hand. He nodded to both his parents.

"Yeah... I'll see you guys later then. " he forced the words out in a normal tone before he just turned and walked calmly into the building. Leaving his family without so much as a wave over his shoulder. It seemed cruel, but he wasn't very good at showing emotions anyway, plus he was kind of frustrated and distressed, if that was even the right word.

Cold air hit his senses and he breathed it in slowly and deeply. Sterol. It smelled too clean and artificial, and he could just barely smell the cleaning supplies that he probably been used on the floor that morning. It was also chilly, the air extremely refrigerated, it caused him to shiver slightly in only his tank top and faded blue jeans.

As far as he knew he was going to be here for awhile, and as he took in the dreary off-white walls of the hallways he had a feeling it was going to be a depressing stay. So with a heavy heart and shoulders slumped slightly forward, he walked up to the front desk and looked at the woman. His shades hid his gaze but he wondered just how long he was actually going to be allowed to keep them? 

The nurse behind the counter looked up and smiled warmly at him, yet he still felt that he couldn't trust her.

"Hello, you must be Dirk. Dirk Strider correct?" He gave her an affirmative nod and watched as she gathered some papers and stood up. "Excellent! We're very excited to have you and to be able to help you Dirk. I need you to fill out this form and sign there, and then i'll need to search your bags and you'll have to hand over any watches, phones, electronic devices, sharp objects, lighters, and your shoe laces."

Dirk blinked and his gaze was curious, even if it was hidden from the woman. "Why do you need my shoe laces?" He hadn't expected them to ask for that, but then again what was he expecting? He really should have found out more about places like this before coming here. Too bad he had been in too much of a shock to do any real research.

"Ahh well, sweetie some kids are very desperate and have been known to use use laces for bad things. They aren't safe so we take them and hold onto them for you! Also I'm going to need your belt." She looked a bit somber as she explained and Dirk easily made the connection even though she talked to him like he was a little kid. Suicide.

He proceeded to fill out the forms before digging his cell phone, I-pod, headphones and even his wallet from his pockets. Next he started the tedious process of removing the laces from his shoes before he handed over both his belt and his shoe laces. He didn't dare hand her Lil Cal, that puppet was his best friend and there was no way he was a liability in any way.

"Is that everything you need?" He said it in a calm and composed voice, this was his neutral voice the one he used when speaking to teachers and adults in general. She shook her head and took his bag of clothes behind the desk with a pleasant smile.

"Thats all! We'll check your bag and deliver it to your room in a bit but for now you can go ahead and get settled in your room. Since you came at this time there won't be any activities until dinner time but I hope you'll be able to socialize and make friends at that time!" She smiled and left his bag behind the counter before walking around and standing in front of him. "My name is Jane and I'll show you to your room now! It's right down this hallway." She smiled and her bright blue eyes looked at him from behind glasses.

He nodded silently and continued to follow the overly happy brunette down the hallway and towards what looked like doors. It seemed curious that someone working in such a depressing place would be able to smile so much, well maybe that was because she only dealt with the incoming kids who were quickly shuttled off to group therapy and whatever else they made them do here. He very quickly got lost in his thoughts and he had to blink when she motioned to the room that was apparently HIS room. 

It wasn't much, no, it certainly wasn't much at all. Dirk had honestly heard of dorm rooms that were larger or had better accommodations but...it was now his space and he was just fine with that.

"There you go! Thats your room all to yourself. There will be someone to come get you when it's time for dinner so don't worry. Please make yourself comfortable." She held her hands clasped in front of her chest as she silently watched him take it in. 

Dirk moved into the room and looked around before he looked over at the woman. "Thanks, Ma'am." He gave her a rare smile, even if it was fake, and she nodded before leaving him to his own devices. Which was mostly him moving to sit on his bed and take a deep and shaky breath. Here he was. It was shitty, and he knew why he was there, but he was a Strider and Strider's didn't crack easily. He wasn't going to become some crying tear-stained mess just because he had been shipped off to a mental institute. He was going to figure his shit out, and get the hell back home to Dave and make sure his little brother was okay. 

Shit...Dave.

Dirk heaved a sigh and removed his shades that he had miraculously been allowed to keep, before pinching the bridge of his nose. He had lost all of his shit right in front of Dave. If that wasn't motivation enough...to get his act together and explain things to his little bro, well then he didn't know what the hell motivation was supposed to be. 

This nightmare was now his reality, but when would he finally be able to wake up?


	2. You Done Fucked up

It was sometime later that his door was opened by a young man in nurse clothes. Dirk had taken to laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. It had strange patterns that had mesmerized him as he stewed in his own thoughts for quite a measurable amount of time.

He was grateful that the man had come to basically save him from his own thoughts, drop off his searched bag, and tell him that it was time for dinner. If he had arrived around two in the afternoon and dinner was usually around seven, then that meant he had killed several hours just thinking. Not that he would be able to tell since there were no clocks in his room.

Dirk followed silently behind the man, back down the hallway before they took a left and headed down a short hallway to a set of double doors. It was obvious even if he didn't read the sign above the door that this was the Cafeteria. Where everyone ate.

Naturally he had brought Lil Cal, and Dirk made sure to tuck his companion firmly under his arm as they entered the larger room. People were already walking around with trays of food and heading towards tables where people greeted them in... Somewhat pleasant ways.

It reminded him a bit of a high school cafeteria, and the thought immediately made him scowl. There were obvious similarities but at the same time there were probably a maximum of about fifteen people in the entire space, so it was really quite different as well.

"That line is where you go to get your food. Then you can sit where you want. I take it you'll know how to get to your room?" The male nurse looked at him and Dirk gave him a curt nod before he was left alone, again.

It was childishly easy to figure out the system and Dirk was in line for his food and at the front in no time. He stared at the slightly heavy-set woman who stood behind the counter and asked for each persons name.

" Name?" Her tone was nasally and it grated on his nerves a bit. She was also smacking her gum quite loudly and he found himself scowling slightly.

"Dirk Strider." He watched her check the list of names she had in front of her before she highlighted his name.

"I see that ya new here kiddo. Good luck." She turned and grabbed a tray before pushing it across the counter towards him. He wasn't sure if he should be more put off by her comment or the slop of what he assumed was canned corn, mashed potatoes and meatloaf? 

He muttered a thank you before taking his tray and heading towards an empty table. There weren't that many tables to begin with but he did find a mostly empty section near the end of one and promptly say down with Lil Cal on his lap.

It wasn't that he hated other people, or even disliked them really. He just assumed that everyone hated him, and he was doing them all a favor by not wasting their time with his meaningless presence. It made sense to him, but then again wasn't that the reason why he was here?

He was getting a headache from thinking too much, or maybe it was the semi-toxic fumes from the food. He pushed his tray away and rested his face in his hand for a moment. He needed to breathe, and he needed to process the entire situation of him being here. Yet no matter how much he thought about it, i just became more baffling to him. So he heaved a sigh.

"You know it doesn't taste nearly as bad as it looks..." A voice drawled next to him in a lazy tone and Dirk looked up quickly at the person.

Sitting a bit across from him was a girl with shoulder length blonde hair, black lipstick and a low cut shirt with a pink cat on it. She was grinning at him as she leaned her chin into the palm of her hand to support her head.

"What?" 

"The food, its not THAT bad. I mean it is possible that all of my tastebuds have gone numb but... I have had worse food before." She shrugged nonchalantly and stuck a finger into his mashed potatoes before licking it off.

"Oh right. Well I'm not one to question the adequacy of food when it is freely provided. Im just not-"

"Hungry? Feeling a bit sick to your stomach? I know the feeling." The girl cut him off before she smiled sympathetically and held her hand out. "Roxy Lalonde but just call me Roxy, or Rox... Well i guess I'm okay with nicknames too but... Oh well." He was at a loss for words at the sudden introduction and just stared at her smiling face for a moment before hesitantly reaching his arm out and grasping her hand in a firm shake.

"Dirk Strider. Dirk is fine though." He released her hand as she practically beamed at him and took another swipe of his potatoes.

"Nice to meet you Dirky. Oh oh can I call you Di-Stri? That sounds like a secret code name or something hehe..." She waggled her eyebrows playfully at him. He simply arched one eyebrow of his own before shrugging.

"If it tickles your fancy sure, i may in fact be a spy you know? Undercover in my operation to liberate young teens from the confines of a mental institution. What do you say Ro-Lal? Want to be my accomplice?" There he went, with the excessive talking and story telling. He internally winced at the spun story about what he could be doing here. Maybe he was just so ashamed of the truth that he felt the need to do that.

"Oh my god yessss, haha that would be like so much fun!" Roxy let out a giggle-snort before she reached over and patted him on the head fondly. "I like you! Finally a guy with a fucking sense of humor!" She grinned at him and he felt the corner of his mouth twitch upwards slightly.

"Right, humor and irony." He let out a dry chuckle as his gaze flicked slightly to the other kids that were in the facility. Some of them sat together but others simply tucked themselves into corners to try and get away, like he had done. Maybe he fit in here more than he had originally thought. That was a scary thought. He felt like if he started to feel accustomed to the place then he would never be able to get out.

"Do you want to know about them? hehe I've got the dish on everyone and why they're here." Roxy grinned in a very cat-like manner as she peered at him from across the table. He was fairly sure that she wanted to tell him more than he actually wanted to know, but he decided to humor her.

"Sure."

"Yay! Haha Well to start out-"

There was a loud bang as a tray went flying through the cafeteria and smacked into a wall, food going practically everywhere. The male standing on the other end of the chaos was tall and his chest heaved with barely contained anger. Dirk was fairly tall for his age and yet this guy must have been at least a few inches taller than him. He was built and most surprising of all was the fact that he was completely bald. Dirk might have found that just a tad entertaining if it wasn't for how terrifying the other man looked with his clentched fists and tattooed arms.

"Uh oh. Somebody ticked off the Hulk again..." Roxy seemed a bit paler as she looks away from the man so as to not draw his gaze. "Dirky don't make eye contact, it only makes him more angry." She whispered the warning at him but he knew that she couldn't tell where he was looking.

That was the beauty of his shades, he could completely face Roxy and yet his gaze was trained on the male who looked like he was about to have an episode.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SITTING NEXT TO ME YOU DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!" The shout echoed throughout the entirety of the Cafeteria. If you think you've heard someone angry before, then you obviously have never heard that mans voice, it was disgustingly bone chilling and Dirk felt bad for the male that was on the other side of the bald teens anger.

However as he looked at who was getting yelled at Dirk only became more confused. The male that had obviously sat down next to baldy uninvited seemed completely unaffected by the yelling. He had curly unmanageable black hair and a purple beanie on his head, the attire wasn't what bothered Dirk though. It was the lazy grin that did him in. This kid was in a death zone and he was smiling like he enjoyed it.

"Oh no, Gamzee did it now." Roxy was covering her ears and Dirk wondered if he should be doing that as well. It was too late though as Baldy practically roared, yes roared like a fucking lion, and tackled the other man clean onto the floor. It was shocking how quickly he had his hands around the beanie wearing kids throat and was squeezing with all his might. He was going to choke out this kid right in front of all of them.

Dirk was...slightly appalled by it and his body reacted without him really thinking at first. He was out of his chair in a flash really, he had always been fast, and it wasn't until his foot connected with bald mans side that he realized he was making a big mistake. He did some strifing on the side, and he knew how to fight well; But now that he was actually a foot away from the other man he realized just how huge he was. His kick sent the angry bald kid rolling off of beanie kid but it did not daze him for long.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Dirk swallowed and adjusted his shades as he took a hesitant step backward. At least it looked like the Gamzee kid could breathe again as he choked and hacked on the ground. His brain screamed at him to run, and yet hs instincts told him to stay and fight. What the fuck was wrong with his instincts?

"Dirk Strider."

"NO, YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD MEAT IS WHAT YOU ARE YOU LITTLE PRICK!"

Luckily for the sake of his life and his neck, the nurses managed to tackle the large individual and sedate him with a syringe before he could lunge at Dirk. It was terrifying, and shocking to watch the nurses take down the man who could easily be compared to a gorilla, as he clawed and swung at them in his rage. One unlucky nurse received a black eye that would not be fun tomorrow before he finally calmed down. Everything seemed to pass him by as he watched them drag the male out of the room, and as soon as those doors swung shut, the silence got to him.

Everyone was staring at him. EVERYONE. Jaws were on the floor as they just blatantly stared at him, nurses too. It was, extremely uncomfortable and as soon as a smaller kid with dark circles under his eyes came over to check on Gamzee he snapped out of his trance and casually but quickly made his way back to his table. His neck felt hot with embarrassment, until conversations and whispers slowly started to pick up again.

"Holy fucking shit dude." Roxy stared at him with wide eyes before she just blinked and scooted closer to him. "You, just took down the hulk with a kick. I hate to tell you this Dirky but your number is on the death row now..." He groaned and rubbed his temples. Why couldn't he think things through before he acted? Roxy had just confirmed that he had condemned himself to hell here. Great, fucking perfect. Luckily for him Roxy seemed to get the hint that he didn't want to talk about his huge mistake so she moved on.

"Well, he'll probably be in solitary for awhile so you don't have to worry too much ya know. Not yet at least." She patted his shoulder softly. "Anyway we'll start with them I guess. Both totally messed up. Calliborn was the Hulk, but he goes by Cael here. Serious violence and anger issues, he likes to pick fights and he's a total sadist so steer clear of him. The guy he was ganging up on? Yeah he could be worse, total necrophiliac. It's told around here that he killed his friends AND his lover even and then played with their dead bodies...like Oh my fucking god it's insane. He seems attached to Cael though which always ends up with him getting hurt. It's some serious shit dude." Dirk swallowed thickly at the news. A guy who enjoyed delivering pain and one that enjoyed loving on dead bodies. This was...bad.

"Great...Maybe I should have found that out before I got involved." He mumbled out his response before rolling his shoulders back and finally looking up at Roxy. She just nodded.

"Well yeah, but other than those two theres a few kids that were caught cutting or were suicidal...attachment issues. Oh this one kid-" She was cut off as a nurse called loudly that it was time to go and Roxy immediately deflated and pouted out her bottom lip. "Aww balls. Well I'll see ya late Di-Stri. Not until tomorrow at morning group...boo." She made a face at the idea as she slowly stood up from her seat. Dirk nodded to her and they said their goodbyes before leaving the cafeteria and heading to their rooms.

As he made his way down the hallway he heard the whispers as people separated and went to their individual rooms. Everything seemed like a dream as he walked down the long stretch of hallway that seemed longer than before. Kids shot looks at him before dashing into their rooms. He passed by an interesting couple that were kissing in the hallway and he made sure to steer a bit clearer than he needed. The tall one had long dark wild hair with bangs that came down in his face that reminded him of Gamzee. Plus he just, felt awkward interrupting their moment. Were they even allowed to do that here?

His question was answered promptly as a nurse came down the hallway and shouted at them, causing both of them to scamper into their separate rooms, but not before the tall one managed to flip the man off with an angry glare. Yeah he was going to stay away from him.

"You too! It's almost time for lights out so get to your room!" Dirk nodded and counted the doors leading up to his own room before he escaped thankfully into the silence of it. He leaned his forehead up against the wood door and images of himself getting choked by Cael came to mind. He was so dead. Either this place was going to suffocate him, or he was going to be suffocated by strong tanned hands that belonged to baldy. Taking a deep breath he slipped off his shades and drew a hand over his face before making his way across the barren room to his bed. It hadn't even been a full day and he had already fucked up...this nightmare was getting worse and he clearly wasn't getting any better.


	3. Unprepared

It was the screaming that roused him from his light slumber. Blood-curdling, intense screaming that sent ice-cold shivers down his spine. Normal people didn't make sounds like that; it was as if someone were being set on fire or turned inside-out. It was terrifying.

Dirk felt his body break out in a cold sweat as he stared at the blank ceiling above him. His heart pounded in his ears like drums beating near his head. Then it stopped, and the deathly silence filled his chest and the room around him. He held his breath and tugged his teeth into his bottom lip as he listened.

His mind went crazy in that silence. Had Cael escaped? Was he slowly murdering all of the institution inmates, and next it was his turn? His anxiety was off the charts.

But then it started again, and he actually relaxed. He actually fucking relaxed, at someone else's expense.

The room shifted as he slowly sat up and took a deep, shuddering breath. His surrounding remained the same and he slowly stood up and tested his half-asleep balance before shuffling towards the door in his purple pajama pants and tank top.

Slowly, he turned the handle of his door before opening it and peering out through the crack. His heart jumped up into his throat as someone rushed by his door suddenly. He jumped back but had the sense of mind to stick his fingers in the door crack so it wouldn't slam.

It still hurt to have the door try to close on the small digits and he huffed out a strangled breath before letting out a stream of curses in his head.

After that moment of silent pain relief he slowly and softly pulled the door back open and peeked his head out into the hallway.

The person that had run past was a nurse that was running to a room two doors down and across the hallway. Light shone from the open door onto the floor as several nurses bustled around. He ventured farther out into the hallway to attempt to see into the room, only straying as far as his arm could touch the door frame.

As one of the nurses shifted, he caught sight of the boy from earlier with the dark bags under his eyes thrashing on the bed. The screaming noise came from him and Dirk looked away as one of the nurses poked a needle into the boys thigh.

"Ey you! Get back into your room!" One of the nurses shouted at him and Dirk complied by slipping silently back into his plain room. He rested against the door and waited until the screaming died down and he heard the click of the door in the hallway and the receding of several pairs of footsteps.

He wondered what kind of hellish nightmare he had entered as he silently went back over to his bed, crawled under the scratchy sheets, and hugged Lil Cal to his chest. How often would this happen? He wondered if the screaming would wake him up every night... Maybe he would just get used to it.

"What have we gotten ourselves into, Cal..." He murmured quietly to the puppet in his arms as he stared into those deep blue eyes. Honestly if he stared long enough then he did feel a little creeped out, but then again it could just be Lil Cal mocking him. Sarcastic little puppet.

Dirk huffed and closed his eyes as he slowly drifted into the silence and comfort of sleep once more. He was a light sleeper though, so all the bumps in the hallways and any sounds caused his eyes to shoot open. It was an extremely restless night to say the least.

By the time the sun rose and streamed in through his small window, he had probably gotten a total of two more hours of sleep. Who would really know, though? Once again there were no clocks, and he didn't have his phone to check the time.

The male slowly rolled out of the bed and popped his sore neck; the pillows were not the most comfortable thing ever here, but he wasn't really the type to complain. Besides, he had slept on worse before..much worse.

The room remained as grey and desolate as it had the previous day. He looked out the window to see the concrete parking lot and a few of the trees that dotted around a grassy area. Dirk wondered if they would ever let them go outside...it sounded nice at least.

He stopped daydreaming and losing himself in his own thoughts long enough to get changed into normal clothes. He decided on black skinny jeans and a regular white t-shirt with a hat on it. His mom had always bought him things with hats on them, so then it became a habit. Maybe one day he would actually buy a fucking hat and wear that instead. Or maybe not, maybe he'd just do it for the irony.

It seemed that the institution at least let people sleep in because it wasn't until much later that someone came and told him that it was okay to go use the public bathrooms now to brush his teeth and get fixed up for the morning. He accepted the offer just to do a little bit of exploring of the place he was staying at.

The hallways were mostly empty except for a few kids stepping out or back into their rooms. He saw the strange couple from last night sitting in the hallway outside of the tall guys room. It seemed like the one in the red sweater was just talking on and on, and surprisingly enough, fluffy-haired tall guy was actually listening. It was kind of interesting, but he still felt unnerved by the male and his similarity to Gamzee.

Luckily as he went into the mens bathroom, neither Gamzee nor Cael were present or anywhere in the vicinity. He quickly relieved himself and brushed his teeth. His hair was a mess but he managed to make it stick up like he normally had it. It wasn't as awesome or perfect as normal, but it would do for this place.

He was getting ready to leave the bathroom when the smaller boy with freckles and deep dark bags under his eyes walked into the bathroom. If Dirk thought his own reflection looked like shit then he wasn't sure what level of hellish appearances lay below that level that he could bestow upon the kid.

It sounded mean, and it wasn't that he looked unattractive or anything, he just...looked like he'd had a really shitty night. By the sounds of the screaming, Dirk could understand at least partially why. His orange eyes flicked in the mirror towards the boy's darker-colored ones before he quickly slipped his shades onto his face.

"What are you looking at? Is there something interesting on my face? Look in your own mirror if you want to stare at something, you asshole." His voice was gruff and hoarse, either from overuse or under-use Dirk was unsure. It seemed like overuse was the main probable answer.

"Sorry..." He muttered the apology quietly before leaving the moody kid to his own devices. The dark bags under the kids eyes and the fading claw marks on his neck and cheeks were enough to satisfy and completely dry up Dirk's curiosity.

He didn't want to know about the horrors that haunted the other kids here. He was there to prove that he could live with whatever he had and then get the hell out. He wasn't there to throw a giant pity party with the rest of the teens in this facility.

\-------------

Just as he made it back to his own door, the nurse named Jane walked up to him and smiled happily. He paused to look at her curiously.

"Ah Dirk! Just the cowboy I wanted to see!" She grinned teasingly at him and didn't even falter when he remained completely blank-faced at her behind his shades.

"Ye haw, whats up?" Wow, he really sounded sarcastic.

"Well, it's time for group therapy! Everyone meets in the main room and sits in a circle. Come, I'll take you to it so you know where it is. It's a great place to meet the rest of the kids!" She smiled and took his arm before dragging him off down the hallway. Halfway there he reminded her that he still had his hairbrush and toothbrush in hand. She promptly stopped and let him go back to his room to drop them off and grab Lil Cal. Like hell he was going to go sit in a kindergarten circle without Lil Cal.

The puppet didn't even seem to Phase Jane as she started talking about cupcakes and how she liked to make them for the teens who were good occasionally. Dirk was only half listening; as much as he loved cupcakes the idea of eating one right now was sickening.

They were supposed to talk to a whole group about their problems? That was the kind of bullshit he absolutely wanted to avoid. In the end he was totally helpless though as Jane took him to the main room and pushed open the doors. He was totally not prepared for this kind of shit.


	4. Welcome to Group

A lot of people crave attention, live in the lime light or want to make their lives into a preformance. Dirk was definitely not one of those people. He liked to keep to his own devices and avoid the eyes of large groups of people as much as he could. Which was the number one reason why he wasn't prepared.

Somehow, even with Jane's help, he was late to the group therapy. Not like it was really his fault though since no one had bothered to give him a schedule or even tell him where the nearest clock was. Therefore when he opened those doors with Jane's hand on his shoulder, all eyes were on him. Again.

He felt the back of his neck burn as he secretly met every pair of eyes with his own behind the safety of his shades. Thank god for his shades, he would have bolted if not for them. As it was he felt sort of paralyzed for a moment as he stood there and was stared at. One thing that filled him with slight relief, was that neither Gamzee nor Cael were in sight. That was just plain lucky.

"Diiiiirrrk come sit over here!" He looked over to see the familiar face of Roxy as she waved her hand with a happy smile. There was an empty plastic chair next to hers that she was patting softly with her other hand. Honestly that was better than sitting next to anyone else that he didn't know. Better than sitting next to the short dark-eyed kid that was glaring daggers at him. Or maybe that was just how his face looked.

Dirk promptly moved over to where Roxy was after Jane gave him an affirmative nod and a warm smile before moving over to her own place on the perimeter of the room. He slid down into the seat and put Lil Cal on the ground next to his legs before he nodded to Roxy.

"Sup Ro-Lal?" He said it quietly and yet in the silence of the room it felt as if he was yelling. If he thought his tone was yelling, then Roxy's was practically at screaming level.

"Oh not much! Just welcome to group, Dirky!" She smiled but it was rather sarcastic as she slouched slightly in her chair and looked towards someone. Dirk's eyes slowly traveled the distance across the circle to where an older woman sat with her legs crossed and her hands folded gently together. She certainly had poise and looked knowledgeable, so he had to give her points for that. However seeing as she was the only adult he knew that this meant she was the doctor in this place.

"Hello and welcome to group. Now everyone we have someone new joining us, although I've been told that you already made a reputation for yourself." She smiled politely at him but Dirk felt the bottom of his stomach drop. He had a feeling he was not going to like this, and he was once again the center of attention. The mention of Cael too was...unnerving.

"So, why don't we all go around and introduce ourselves for our new guest. I will start then you may follow Mr. Strider and we will just go around counter clockwise." She motioned from herself to him to Roxy as she swept around the perimeter of the circle. "You may call me Dr. Rose, and I am the psychiatrist in this facility." Her gaze found his and she nodded, her hands resting on the clipboard in her lap.

Dirk cleared his throat and sat up a little bit before he glanced at Roxy and addressed the group in the best unshakey voice that he could.

"My name is Dirk Strider, I prefer just being called Dirk-"

"Oh Hulk terminator" One of the kids spoke up and there were a few murmurs and even some snickering from the kids around as his fists tightened against his thighs. His mouth felt dry and his lips chapped.

"Yeah just Dirk is fine." He wasn't sure if he was suppossed to proceed with why he was there or whatever other nonsense, so he looked up at Doctor Rose before just crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair. Luckily for him Roxy smiled and spoke up.

"I'm Roxy Lalonde! Been here for two years! But I met you yesterday hehe" She smiled a bit sadly but shrugged and looked to the kid to her right.

"Ah alright then. I am Kankri Vantas. Please call me Kani." The red sweatered male leaned forward slightly to nod to Dirk before he motioned to the male who was holding onto his hand. Tall and fluffy-haired dude. "This is Kurloz Makara, but he likes to go by Kurk. He doesn't talk so..." Kani paused as Kurk smiled at him and leaned down to whisper in his ear. He blinked before turning to face Dirk again.

"He's says it's nice to meet you finally, and thank you for err...helping his brother yesterday." Kanki looked back at Kurk and got a warm smile which he returned.

Oh shit. 

So they were related after all. Great, at least he hadn't totally fucked up and it seemed like the tall guy liked him? It was totally unnerving how he didn't talk but it seemed like they were both okay. At least they weren't glaring at him...or threatening to choke him like he knew someone would when they were finally allowed to join back up with the group. The introductions slowly continued around the circle.

"Sollux Captor. But i go by Sollux or Seth." He talked with a slight lisp.

"Aradia Megido." This girl talked in a whispery sort of voice, something you would imagine a ghost would speak with. It was strange but Dirk let his eyes move to the next person, and then the next. Eventually it came to the male who was glaring at him and Dirk locked eyes with him secretly behind his shades, only to be blown off as the male huffed and looked away.

"Karkat ...Don't call me anything stupid. Karkat is fine. That shit-stain already calls me something dumb like KK." He seemed to growl at his words as he shot a glare at the male in question.

"Shut up KK, ill call you what I want." Dirk's eyes traveled back to Sollux as the two of them bantered. However as soon as Doctor Rose cleared her throat they shut up and introductions continued around the circle.

"Uhh I'm Tav Nitram... Nice to meet you." Dirk noted that Tav was in a wheel chair before moving on to the next victim of introductions.

"Cronus, just Cronus is fine for now." It was slightly implied how he said that but there was a definite somber note. Several of the chairs were empty but they came back around to the girl sitting to his left. She had what looked like a cute white-haired wig on, but Dirk wasnt sure if it was her real hair or not.

"I'm Calli, pleased to meet you Dirk." She smiled so sweetly and nicely at him that he felt the honest need to smile back. His lips only twitched a bit but that was a smile in his world.

"Alright well thats everyone in the room then. We are missing three people today Dirk. Cael is in solitary for attacking another person, and Gamzee is taking the day off. We have another member to our little group named Jake English. Now he's out with the stomach influenza so he is resting today but he'll be back soon." She smoothed a clean hand across the fresh sheet of paper on her clipped board before smiling and looking up at everyone around the circle with her violet knowing eyes. "So... Who would like to start? Sollux how about you?" She faced his direction and jotted down something on her paper.

"How are things going? Do you want to talk about why you did what you did and how you think its going here?"

Sollux made a displaesed face and crossed his arms before he looked over at the window and pursed his lips. It seemed that he was just as adamant about not talking about his issues as Dirk was. Maybe they were all like that. From what he gathered Dirk could tell that group time was not a very good time for anybody.

"It's fine, whatever i have to live with it so its shit. Thats life." Wow, and Dirk thought that he was pessimistic. Seth really took the cake on that one though.

"Is that all? Do you want to talk about why you think you have to simply just 'live with this'?"

"Not really..." Dirk slid his gaze over to the Doctor and watched as she wrote some things down before looking up.

"Alrighty then, Dirk. Why do you think you're here? Tell us about yourself and your circumstances." Well shit. First new rule of group; Don't make eye contact with the Doctor. He swallowed nervously but kept his calm face as he remained mostly relaxed in his chair. He knew what was coming, his bullshit smart ass automatic responses. They were always on the tip of his tongue and most of the time he completely failed to stop them.

"What do you want to know Ma'am?" He tilted his head at her as he crossed one foot over his knee. It almost felt like a cowboy stand off since they were directly across from each other.

"Why do you think you're here? What happened?" This was bullshit. She already knew, so why was she asking? Was it really any of these teens business to know what was wrong with him? He didn't think so, so instead of immediately answering he pursed his lips before slowly replying.

"Oh? They didn't write it down for you already? Thats a shame, it seems like the medical paper filing system is failing us these days." Bam, he was in so much trouble for that. Why couldn't he just respond normally for once? Even a simple 'I don't want to talk about it' would have been perfect. Nope, he had to question the ENTIRE fucking medical paper filing system. If there was even a system like that.

"Haha you are very witty Mr. Strider. Alright I see that everyone is a little tense so I'm going to pass around cards and we'll go around and everyone can read aloud what is written on theirs instead of answering questions." She took out a stack of note cards before passing them around, instucting that they take one and pass it around the circle. Dirk observed as Roxy took one before he followed suit and took his own card before passing it on. He flipped the card over to look at the word written on it in black marker. He stared at it for awhile as murmurs filled the room as kids talked about their different words. Most remained silent tough.

"Alright, Calli lets start with you then and move onto Cronus and around the circle in that fashion." Rose had picked a card of her own and sat patiently as she looked over at Calli, the white haired girl.

"It says Hope."

"I got Wisdom"

"Uhhh Bravery?" 

"...Fuck..."

Rose raised an eyebrow and looked at the boy that held his card in his hand and seemed to be flustered by it slightly. "I'm fairly certain that's not what the card says Karkat."

"..ugh... It says Love." He scowled and crossed his arms before they continued around the circle.

"Respect"

"Reason"

"... I got Selflessness"

"Seriously? I got Charity."

"..."

"Ah please excuse my going out of turn for Kurk. He got Confidence and I got Hospitality. The letter 'Y' at the end of my card though curves quite awkwardly and it is...bugging me. May I get a new card?" Kani seemed to be doing his best not to look at his card. Kurk immediately noticed and reached over with his large hand and ruffled the males hair before smiling and taking the card away from him. Dirk raised an eyebrow at the exchange but it seemed to help?

"Don't look at the card then Kani, thank you Kurk. Even if you're not holding your card the word you received still applies please continue." She nodded to Roxy to say her word and Dirk noted how Roxy Immediately lit up with a smile.

"My card says Joy, which means fun time! hehe" She grinned and bounced her eyebrows a few times for comical effect and a few kids chuckled, including Calli to his left. Doctor Rose simply rolled her eyes but smiled politely.

"Well you would get that card then Roxy." She smiled and turned her gaze to Dirk.

"Mine says...Trust." Something he was extremely unfamiliar with and not good at having or giving to people. It somehow made him shift in his seat as people stared at him. Luckily Doctor Rose apparently wanted to move things along.

"My card says Responsibility. So I want all of you to think about what comes to mind when you see your word, feel free to speak up this is an open discussion. Think of these words as a description of yourself as well."

"I definitely got the wrong word, come on Love? Who the fuck gets a word like that." Karkat tossed his card into the center of the circle and Dirk's eyes followed the movement of the rectangular card as it fell to the ground after twirling in the air a bit. 

"Why do you say that Karkat? Have you never loved anyone before? Tell us why you dislike the word." Rose seemed honestly interested but, still she had her clipboard. It was all like a giant test to Dirk. You either passed and got to go home or you failed and were trapped another year in this fucked up school system. Pass or fail.

"Well duh? Who the hell is going to fall in love with psycho rejects like us? Besides love is just a myth that washed up greedy pigs in Disney companies made up to get people to buy their useless shit movies. There aren't happy endings or perfect families, or 'Prince Charming's' or Whatever. Seriously it's all just moneymaking lard treated bullshit."

Dirk had to admit the kids insults were at least creative. He was slightly stunned by the outburst and it seemed that he wasn't the only one. Kurk seemed a little ticked off as he grabbed Kani's hand and glared at Karkat. Dirk blinked as the kids hands started moving quickly and angrily at Karkat. Was that, sign language?

"Nice going KK, you pissed off the mime. Ehehe" 

"He is not a mime Seth, that is actually extremely offensive and it bugs me when you say things like that towards Kurk. Also Karkat I beg to differ, that pessimistic view on our situation is hardly appropriate. Love is possible in all lives and all cases, it may not be practical or fairy tail-Esq but I think Kurk and I stand as an example that it is possible even in a place like this. If I may also just say-" Holy shit this kid was long-winded, Dirk felt his eyes widen a little bit at the length of speech.

"OH MY GOD JUST FUCKING SHUT UP KANI! NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOU BLAB ON ABOUT STUFF!" It seemed that as Karkat got angry his volume increased. Which made Kurk promptly cover his ears and shrink away from the angry kid to huddle closer towards Kani.

"Karkat I would like to ask you to lower your voice. If you have something to say you know you need to say it in a calm manner." Rose actually sounded stern as she looked at him and Karkat growled at her before shrinking back in his chair. 

Dirk blinked as Roxy leaned closer to him and whispered in his ear. He tilted his head and leaned a bit closer to her as well to make it easier. However her words did nothing but make his gut clench even more.

"You think this is bad? Wait until Cael and Gamzee are back." She gave him a grim look and Dirk finally understood why everyone disliked group and why he was probably going to dislike it as well. Nobody got along. These types of personalities in a room all trying to talk over each other or at once? It would be terrible...plus if Cael was as bad as everyone agreed he was and he enjoyed causing pain, then this would become utter hell. This fighting and volume level was enough to make at least one kid cringe, how much would it take for them all to cringe? How much until certain personalities started snapping or the doctor snapped?

Dirk felt closed in and he calmly reached for Lil Cal before holding onto him in his lap. He still seemed calm on the outside, but his teeth were clamped down hard against each other inside his mouth cavern. His molars ground together like the giant stones of a wheat Mill. How were they supposed to deal with this or 'get better' when there were so many clashing personalities in one room that would just cause more chaos? It was madness and he had to say something. Why did he have to say something? He had no idea. He felt nervous and this tension was making him cringe, so he calmly cleared his throat to get their attention.

"I don't think Love is impossible..." He paused as everyone turned to look at him. "I mean in theory nothing is impossible ever. If there are over six billion people on this planet then there has at least got to be one person out there that is more fucked up than you or one that just doesn't care if you are messed up right? Why limit yourself to just this place or think that just cause you're here now you wont be in Canada five years from now." He sat up a bit more in his chair and started to use his hands to talk as he got more into his story. Internally he cringed as he went on.

"Alright so Kani and Kurk are together, which is chill. It just means that some bullshit force like fate probably put them in this institution so they'd meet each other. Well awesome for them, I guess love is more willing and forgiving with them...Hypothetically who is to say that some person in India or South America isn't starting to plan a trip to the United States that will take both them and their teens or maybe adult kids over here. In five years; BAM! You've gone to Seattle where they flew to and suddenly its fate and nothing matters. Seriously, anything is possible but if you're thinking all the time that you're never going to get out of this bullshit situation then you won't right? Whatever I guess its up to you but yeah..." He sat back in his relaxed position and looked at the stunned faces of everyone around him. They all seemed completely shocked that the new kid had chimed in so much. On the outside he looked completely calm with his shades as he sat there and met their gazes behind his protective facade.

Internally he kind of wanted to die right there. Day two and he had already gone off on one of his shitty hypothetical stories that he tried to save people from having to hear. He wanted to curl up in a small ball and just never come out, he didn't want to be stared at, Hell even the doc was staring at him in a bit of shock, this was bad. Slyly he looked towards the clock and then towards the door. How quickly could he jump over that table and get through those doors and back to his room before somebody tackled him? He figured he could make it...at least then he could beat himself up in solitude.

"Wow....Holy shit and I thought Kani was long winded." Karkat started sarcastically clapping as he looked at him. "I am just...speechless. Yes I am fucking speechless. The Topic of love is now closed thanks to Mr. I'm Douchey with my shades. Seriously Thank you." Dirk felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. The urge to slam his own head into a wall was strong.

"It was quite well thought out." Oh fucking hell she was writing shit down on her clipboard. 'Someone please crash a car into the building to save me from myself' was his thought process as Rose smiled and chimed in.

"Woo Distri!" Roxy cheered from beside him and smiled wide. "I liked it! That was like all kinds of brilliant omg it was Perf!" She giggled and looked at Calli. "Calli Calli! What did you think?"

"I thought it was well thought out and quite...Hope inspiring actually." She smiled sweetly and held up her card. Dirk casually brought a hand up to his own face to pinch the bridge of his nose as Calli thankfully took it away as she started to talk about her card and how his long winded speech actually changed her opinion. It didn't change his opinion though, he still wanted to go sulk in his room. Wow he was actually starting to really like his room.

Luckily the torture slowly came to a close, and even if he was completely upset with himself for pulling that kind of shit the other people moved on until they were released from group. He nodded to Roxy and Calli before dissappearing into his room. He needed time to himself really. Time to just... Wish he hadn't completely fucked up ad landed himself in this place. Well luckily it seemed that he had all the time in the world to do nothing but think about how badly he fucked up.


	5. A Total Bendy Straw

By the time lunch rolled around, Dirk had come to the same conclusion that every single kid in the facility had probably already come to. 

Group therapy sucked balls.

Thankfully he had managed to clear his mind and get over, kind of, what he had done. His self hatred was ever present but he'd calmed down a bit as he made his way back to the cafeteria for the second time in total. 

It looked the same, not much to report on that subject. He got in line for food and noted the fact that he had somehow ended up skipping breakfast. If he recalled correctly then nobody had come to get him for it... So where had he gone wrong? As he brushed those thoughts to the side, deciding to ask Roxy later, he looked right at the same woman who had given him dinner the previous night and made eye contact behind his shades.

"Dirk Strid-"

"I know who you are now honey... Trust me you've made yourself known. HAH HAH." Her laugh was probably even more annoying than her regular voice and Dirk physically cringed at it. He was also cringing at the fact that he already had a reputation.

He had obviously been wrong about his impression of a high school cafeteria. Oh no... This was MUCH worse.

He just remained silent before taking the tray that was slid over to him. Today the food did not look toxic. Unless you consider Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup to be toxic. Other than the soup there was a piece of slightly burnt toast. He was honestly okay with this, or maybe that was just because he hadn't eaten anything in over twenty-four hours.

Reducing his thoughts to a dull murmur in his head he moved over to a separate section to grab a carton of milk before he trudged over to the side of the table he had sat at previously.

Dirk honestly wasn't surprised to see Roxy sitting there, but he was a bit shocked that Calli was also sitting with her. He smoothly sat down and started in on the soup. Salty but good none the less.

"Luke-warm but not bad eh Distri?" Roxy chimed in as she leaned her cheek against one hand and grinned at him.

"It's certainly two or three steps above toxic waste... So I'd call that acceptable. What do you think Calli?" He spooned more of the liquid into his mouth as he looked over at the white-haired girl.

"Not at all, it definitely beats anything from a gas station." She giggled softly and Dirk once again found himself smiling just a bit as well.

"There is your official answer RoLal. A level above gas station food. So definitely edible and I'm hungry enough to not care even if it were two levels below gas station appropriate." He finished off the soup rather quickly, tilting his head back to drink the rest of the broth, before he started nibbling at the bread.

"Oh that's right... I didn't see you at breakfast. Hehe I thought you were just snoozing away...whoops." She grinned and picked up her own piece of toast before sliding it onto his tray as well. He must have looked really hungry.

"I was never really told when breakfast was to be honest... But hey who needs schedules, not like we have clocks either." He came across a little bitter and Dirk pursed his lips at his own tone. He hated it when he didn't know the time, since he planned a lot of things around times and days of the week.

"Ohh... Well have you met with the Doc yet?"

He looked at Roxy and shook his head.

"Well that's why silly! Haha you don't get your schedule thingy until then... So you must be meeting with her today. " Roxy nodded as if she was the wisest person at the table and Calli smiled before chiming in as well in her sweet voice.

"Breakfast is a more casual meal Dirk. They set out some bagels and cereal here and you just choose what you want before eating it here or in your room. Sometimes kids even nibble on it during group." she had a slight British accent that coupled nicely with her soft soothing voice. Dirk actually quite liked the pair of girls and he was finding himself happy that they sat with him. As happy as his over-working brain would allow of course.

"I see... How do you guys keep track of time without phones or watches?" Information, that's what he needed to survive in this place.

"Oh Dirky there are clocks in the hallways! Also you can always just wander around or ask a nurse what time i is.... Oh dude. Jane is always super helpful and she sometimes has these awesome free cupcakes that are amazing... Soo amazing." Roxy drew her words out a bit and nodded enthusiastically at Dirk.

Having had several experiences with Jane already he could solidly agree with RoLal that she seemed pretty damn awesome, still it was entertaining to watch Roxy talk about the cupcakes.

"If I'm lucky maybe i'll get to try one of these 'so awesome' cupcakes then." With one piece of toast gone and already digesting in his stomach he picked up Roxy's piece and took a bite out of it. He chewed before swallowing so that he could talk.

"I think the cafeteria lady is playing favorites... This toast is definitely less burnt than mine." He mused softly as he held the perfectly toasted piece up for the girls to see. Roxy just snorted in amusement and pointed at the piece of bread.

"Oh my gosh... If you think that's good, then you should see what Jake gets. I swear he has schmoozed every single member of the staff... His toast is perf and buttered. Buttered Distri... BUTTERED." She emphazied the word butter and grinned widely at him. One of his eyebrows arched in response to the elaboration.

"Whats so special about Jake?"

"Hottie Mc Hot pants with an ass that makes Beyonce jealous!" Roxy giggled and nudged Calli with a grin. The other girl simply giggled along and shook her head at her friend.

"Roxy you're too silly... A lot of people seem to like him though, since he is charismatic and charming... And quirky? I guess that's a fitting word." She shrugged and patted Roxy on the hair softly which just made the blonde girl smile wider.

Some of those words caught Dirk's attention and his mind immediately wandered. Ass that made Beyonce jealous? Oh he could definitely get used to that. He could picture it now, walking down the hallway behind an ass framed in short shorts. 

Seriously hot damn, he was lucky Roxy spoke up cause that train of thought was dangerous and headed for broken tracks, and tented pants, if he let it go far enough.

"You're not bad yourself Distri... Hehe I saw your butt! An your muscles in that man tank yesterday. You have a rockin bod.." He blinked and smirked.

"Yes, i am literally sex on wheels with a body like this." He chuckled at the irony of that staetment and simply shook his head. He didn't really see himself as anyone special. He was a pale white kid with way too many freckles and eyes that made people stare at him for far longer than he felt comfortable. He didn't hate his eyes but he'd used to hate how people would just stare, and STARE at them. Really that shit just got annoying after about two fucking minutes.

"Yesss sex on wheels, if there was a sex mobile, you would be driving Dirk. It would be you and all of the ladies would be yours." She grinned at him but he just shifted in his seat a bit uncomfortably... How to go about saying this.

"I'd rather have all of the guys." He just commented it calmly and simply, put it out their for observation really. Normally he'd play along and not even mention anything about his sexuality or whatever the hell things were. But seriously. He was in a mental institute, what the fuck was the point of hiding anything when he was as low on the food chain as possible? Nobody here probably gave a shit, and if they did then... Well then this place just got worse.

Roxy and Calli just blinked at him as both their mouths formed perfect little O shapes.

"Oh goshes, so you're like a total bendy straw? Sorry weird things to say but i mean you're totes completely gay?" She seemed a bit baffled by that and Dirk just nodded in silence. What else was he supposed to do? The back of his neck felt like someone had set it on fire, he was entirely too flustered.

"Whoooaaa i did not expect that! Haha wow... You pull off straight so well Dirky!" She giggled and even gave a little snort before reaching out to pat his hand. "Don't worry, i was just shocked but that's fine haha. Wow and I was totally hitting on you there... Sorry i comment on everyone's sex appeal though, and you're still sex on legs. Like seriously hot. Anyhow that's cool... Hehe." She seemed a bit embarrassed by her own words for once and Roxy simply grinned awkwardly and looked at Calliope for help.

The white-haired girl just blinked in return before giggling and smiling at her. Her smile was as brilliant and adorable as ever though so Dirk just chuckled in response to their antics.

"Roxy is right you are really attractive. Actually if you wouldn't mind would you let me draw you at some point?" Dirk tilted his head in confusion but he slowly nodded.

"Sure, what for?"

"Ahh I draw to help relax myself and keep... Well my own problems at bay." He understood that wholeheartedly and gave Calli a small smile. Distracting yourself from your problems, it was something he did a lot. Except he usually distracted himself from his own problems by dealing with other peoples shit... Which sometimes brought him back to his own problems.... It was all extremely problematic.

"Wait so... You like totes have the hots for guys and their dicks right? I'm sorry just trying to wrap my mind around this shit."

Dirk simply chuckled and nodded in response. "Yes Roxy, I am your very average rainbow wearing, dick loving, guy watching, homosexual. The whole fucking nine yards." He crossed his arms and smirked slightly at her eye rolling reaction.

"Alright, you know what I meant Dirky. Sheesh just tryin to know more about you... Oh oh! Is that like you coming out of the closet? Or have you had man friends that you would go on dates with." She winked at him dramatically. He simply rolled his eyes.

"No, i hate to disappoint but that was not some giant coming out of the fucking closet scenario. I've dated a few guys, only the hottest duh. No before you ask I'm not a virgin...." He held up a finger to stop her second question that he knew was coming. Girls usually asked the same set of questions so he was prepared. "No I'm not going to tell you if i top or whatever because that's personal. Ahaha you'll live..." He snorted in mild amusement as Roxy seemed to deflate with the lack of any remaining questions.

A steady silence enveloped their little group as he played absently with the very plastic spoon on his plate. it made sense that all of the utensils were plastic, and even then he hadn't seen a plastic knife. Eventually his hand traveled across the table to grab and crack open his milk carton. It was shitty knock-off brand milk and it totally tasted like the carton itself, but hey, milk was milk. Even if it tasted like cheap plasticy cardboard recycled stuff. Or whatever the hell milk cartons were made of.

Roxy cleared her throat and looked at him with what could only be described as a curious stare and he slowly looked at her as he swallowed some milk.

"Need something RoLal?" He drained that milk carton and set it back down on the table before wiping away his newly acquired milk mustache with the back of his hand.

"Nahh not really, just wondering why you're wearin shades is all. Are you sensitive to the light or something?"

Dirk simply looked at her for a moment before shrugging.

"Not really... I'm just different. My eyes are an odd color and these shades are ironic as fuck...so thats why I wear them." He shrugged, not getting in to the whole idea about keeping a curtain between him and his emotions and the real world and other people. That was their real purpose, they helped him hide from prying eyes and intricate questions.

"Oh can I see your eyes then? I wanna see, please?" Roxy leaned forward slightly on the bench and stared at him eagerly.

"Sure, just don't tell anyone. You'll ruin the bad boy image I'm apparently working so fucking hard to create at this place." The entire sentence was dripping with sarcasm like a freshly fried doughnut would drip with grease, but he indulged her and calmly slipped the shade off of his face and held them delicately between his fingers.

His two orange tinted, light colored eyes met Roxy's and he blinked as she took in a small breath. There it was, he was being stared at by both of them now.

"Oh wow, they're like little pots of gold. Holy shit that's so fucking cool Distri... I want your eyes. Oh wait that sounds all kinds of creepy." She giggled at her own words.

"She has a point though, your eyes are indeed stunning. Quite the hidden treasure." Dirk let the corner of his mouth twitch upwards slightly before he shrugged.

"Yeah that's what people say, before they stare at them for hours... Which gets creepy and annoying. Hence the wicked cool shades." He shrugged and looked back at both of them as they glanced away from his eyes before both of their gazes were slowly drawn back towards his goldeny orange orbs.

However both girls jumped back, from how they had been subconsciously leaning in, as the doors to the cafeteria opened up and someone shouted out a hello as they entered. Roxy and calliope looked to their left before Roxy smiled wide and stood up.

"Jakey! You're all better!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm mean..... I left you with a Cliffhanger! Derp hahaha  
> Dont hate me too much though since the next chapter is almost done as well! ^u^ hehe  
> I promise Jake is definitely in the next one C:


	6. Tall Dark Beauty

Jake? Oh right, the guy with the foretold really nice ass. Dirk followed the girl's gaze towards the door and prepared himself for what was supposedly an attractive person.

He was so fucking underprepared. Again.

First of all he wasn't wearing his shades, which meant that his emotions were totally displayed in his eyes and on his face and he was like an open fucking book just begging to be propped open on someone’s lap and read.

Second of all he hadn't imagined that Jake would be tall, dark-haired, and handsome; incredibly handsome.

That might have been a bit of an exaggeration... But Jake was fairly tall, and he was shamelessly wearing a black tank top with a green skull, paired with relatively short shorts. His hair was artfully messy, or maybe it was always just like that, and he had the deepest green eyes framed by thick black rimmed glasses. He was a bit on the nerdy side, but that was Dirk's type. A little bit of a hunk with a side of dorky and cute, it was his weakness.

It is very difficult to be smitten with someone on the first impression, and Dirk knew that it was only his looks that he was attracted to, but damn if Jake wasn't the nicest site he had been treated to since entering this hell hole.

His face was flushed for the sudden excitement and Dirk practically jammed his sunglasses back onto his face as he straightened up and tried to act casual. 'Be cool Dirk, you don’t even fucking know this guy. Just because you really like his face doesn't mean anything.'

"Jakey come sit over here!" Roxy waved to the male and grinned happily at him. Dirk wanted nothing more than to not have him walk over here. He couldn't resist though, as Jake turned around he feasted his eyes upon the so called 'fine ass.'

And he was not disappointed. He was however, very disappointed in his body, and its immediate reaction. He was... Fucked.

Roxy smiled and stood up before giving Jake a hug after he reached their table. 

"Heya Ladies. How has everything been kicking?" His voice was manly and the accent slightly odd, it was one that Dirk couldn't quite place.

"Good good, how are you? You're the one that’s been gone for bein sick." Roxy looked him over before finding nothing particularly wrong before she sat down. The pout on her face was obviously sympathetic towards him and the illness he had been suffering through; Even if it was just the flu.

"I’m feeling as chipper as always and roaring for any new kind of adventure." He grinned and Dirk almost wanted to laugh at his words. Almost. He might have if he wasn't still desperately grasping at the straws of some kind of collected appearance, and failing miserably at least on the inside.

"Haha I've got an adventure for ya then. Jakey this is Distri... Well his name is Dirk, but I call him Distri cause it's cool. He just got here yesterday." She grinned and seemed happy about having the two of them meet. Dirk silently just looked at Jake and nodded his head as he internally reminded himself to play it cool and not be the total dork he actually was. Please world do not let him go off on an unimportant rant.

"Sup? Dirk Strider, nice to meet you... Jake?" He spoke the name like a question in order to get confirmation. Instead he got his hand stolen for a tight handshake.

"Nice to meet you chap! I’m Jake English!" His smile was brilliant and Dirk was glad he was wearing shades so as to not be blinded. Figuratively of course. "Wow we haven't had someone else get kicked in the knickers and sent to this place in quite the length of time."

Dirk snickered slightly and promptly covered his mouth and turned away. He was totally blowing his cover, but how was he supposed to keep cool when Jake had just said knickers? How were you NOT supposed to laugh at that?

"Dude, who the hell says knickers?" He played it off as smooth as he could while he let go of the males hand and attempted to control his face in a relaxed and indifferent look. If he didn't he feared that his entire expression would turn into the most horribly goofy grin in the world. It would probably look terrifying to most people.

"Why not say a word like that? That’s just how I was raised." Jake didn't even seem fazed by his laughing and just continued to smile before moving to sit down next to him. If Dirk had been tense before, then his entire spine was more rigid than a six hundred page history book now. Did he have to sit next to him? Apparently that answer was yes.

"Jakey, dude. Distri took out the hulk on his first day here."

If there was a god, hell, if there was anything with magical powers looking over him in this messed up Universe, in that moment Dirk wished that it would strike him down where he sat and end his embarrassing suffering. His small plain room was looking increasingly warm and comfortable compared to this situation.

"You don’t say? How in the bloody ripsnorting extravaganza did you manage that Strider?" Jake stared at him, in what could only be described as awe and he sighed softly.

"I just.... Kicked him over. Not a big deal really. He was on this one kid faster than flies on an over-populated 4 th of July barbeque in Texas. Like a whole swarm of flies terrorizing the people just for the sake of a lingering taste of one of those dogs roasted to perfection on the grill." He forced himself to shut the fuck up as he pursed his lips.

"So...?"

"What? So I went over and got him off. Really nothing big..." He reached up hesitantly and rubbed the back of his neck as they all stared at him.

"Dirky you're so modest hehe it was super cool though and Cael is in solitary for like a day or sumthin." She shrugged and looked at Jake with a lazy grin as she leaned on the cheap cafeteria table.

Dirk was trying to make himself less noticeable but his outside appearance change very little as his shoulders just slumped slightly and he let out a huff. It was useless. He had doomed himself to this reputation by simply setting foot in this place. He had single handedly attracted the attention of everyone in the building as well as the most dangerous teenager in less than two days.

"Well Golly that is a hell of an unbelievable story!" he laughed softly and Dirk felt himself flinch slightly as his back was patted by Jake. That was just...odd and too close for the time being.

They continued to talk about nonsense, the silences mostly filled by Roxy and Jake with the occasional comment from Calli. He mostly just hummed when asked a question or if he was looked at. Mentally he had absconded from their little group and contemplated why he had even been sent there.

He had totally lost his shit...thrown things and yelled even, but that wasn't the worst. He shuddered slightly where he sat and closed his eyes as he slipped off his shades and rubbed the sides of his head. 

It was too much to face in one day and he was still mortified by his own actions, the more he thought about it the worse he felt.

"Dirk? Are you quite alright old Chap?" He nodded silently and pursed his lips as he felt Jake's hand on his back once again, except this time it was rubbing his t-shirt clad back. That felt oddly forward and he slowly opened his eyes as a wary feeling settled over him. He wasn't sure why but he didn't feel entirely at ease. Maybe it was just more anxiety.

"Yeah just....have a headache." Just like that it had passed and he closed his eyes again as he rubbed the side of his head. Roxy and Calli looked on and nodded with sympathy as Jake slowly took his hand away.

"That’s a right bummer Strider, I feel for you."

"Yeah Distri...it's something that's bound to happen though I guess...here..." She trailed off awkwardly her sentence structure slightly twisted.

Moments after they had spoken he pushed himself away from the table and stood up. He couldn't take being out in public anymore. in his head he screamed at himself to be normal and just keep pretending to visit with them, but the urge he felt to hole himself up in his room was too strong and it quickly won the mental battle.

"Sorry...I'm just going to head back to my room. I'll see you guys around. Pleasure to meet ya Jake." He gave the male a lazy salute before making sure he had everything and departing at a leisurely pace. He could feel them watching him silently as he left, but he casually just ignored the heat on the back of his neck as he slipped out of the cafeteria doors and into the cool hallway.

He passed by Jane who was at the desk and gave her a small nod as he passed by. She smiled radiantly at him but she was obviously busy with a phone call so luckily she didn't try to talk to him.

It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to her specifically...well he didn't really want to talk to anyone at the moment. This would probably look bad to the doctor here but, he was isolating himself again. He just...needed to be alone some more. He felt better talking to people from a distance, like over a chat log, too much person face to face time and his strange rants and awkward conversation skills had him cringing at himself. Probably a result of being alone most of his childhood, he was just strange around too many people.

As he made it a couple of feet from his door, there was a loud bang at the end of the hallway that caused him to flinch ever so slightly. That was nothing compared to how his eyes widened behind his shades as large, bald and angry stormed down the hallway towards him. Shit.

"YOU!"

'Fuck! No not me...you are definitely looking for someone else! I am not the fucking droid you are looking for.' He thought to himself hastily as he sped up his walks to try and get to his own door faster. Not like it would lock or anything to save him but...he could probably barricade the door. It was moments like these that he REALLY missed his sword. Even if he didn't use it, it intimidated people and they back off if he so much as unsheathed it.

Either he had been farther away from the door than he thought, or Cael just took really fucking huge steps, because his arm was wrenched back right as his fingers brushed the door handle. Everything blurred slightly as he was spun around and pinned to the wall right outside his door. So close, yet so far.

Dirk looked up, his shades slightly askew on his face as he stared up at Cael, also known as 'The Hulk' or whatever. He calmly reached a hand up and pushed at the male’s chest to have him lean away slightly. he was REALLY close, and Dirk suffered horrible fictional images of Cael leaning down and just biting a big chunk out of his face. His imagination was WAY too active.

"Well this is cozy..." his head his the wall with a rough thwack as Cael slammed him back against the wall.

"Ow..."

"SHUT UP! You little shit...knocking me over on your first fucking day! Who do you think you are?!?!" Cael was practically growling in his face and Dirk attempted to lean his head away from it as much as he could, but the back of his head was still throbbing.

"Yeah about that...I'm Dirk Strider. Nice to formally greet you. FUCK! Okay dude stop with the shaking me...fucking hurts." Dirk's head was once again used as a battering ram against the wall and he glared slightly in return. Maybe he needed this...maybe he needed to just beat the shit out of someone...It wasn't being social. In fact it wasn't thinking either, just instinct.

Cael snarled at his sass. "FUCK YOU! I don't care who you are...I'm going to crush your puny little human throat and then laugh at you when I'm fucking done hehe....I wonder what’s wrong with you. What made you all fucked up and landed you in this shitty ass place? I hope you panic..." He growled and glared menacingly before sliding his hand up around Dirk's throat.

Dirk was having none of that though as he braced his hands skillfully against the man’s arm at the wrist and elbow and deflected his hand away from his throat. Years of training and getting better and winning tournaments flooded back into his mind as his brain worked quickly through the situation and his body just reacted.

His hands twisted quickly around Cael's outstretched arm, one hooking and the other grabbing the front of his shirt as he swiveled his body to face away from Him. After the basic positioning was down he easily just swept one leg in between the larger males and got his hips below his. That was the trick, really. Because Cael was male most of his body weight was concentrated in his upper chest and arms. Plus he was fairly huge so as soon as his hips were below the other guys, it was a piece of cake to yank on his arm position and send the hulkish man flying forward over his shoulder. Essentially he launched him onto his back directly onto the floor. It was, somewhat satisfying.

He stood over the male as he inhaled the clean scent of the hallway and looked down at the man who was extremely dazed. Dirk felt a little proud of himself, but not proud enough to stick around and find out how far behind the nurses were on Cael's trail. He simply smirked as he looked down at him and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Don't touch my neck bro...In fact don't touch me at all." He turned on his heel and walked back towards his door before he opened it a crack. A sound stopped him, and his eye brows shot up slightly. He heard....laughter.

True it was a bit strained and breathless but it grew in volume as he slowly looked over at Cael on the ground.

"Yes...Finally. You actually have some bite to you. You disgust me but it's amazing!" His laughter increased and his shoulders shook with it. Dirk watched as the man laughed and draped an arm over his forehead. He looked so happy and satisfied that it just made his skin crawl slightly...somehow he had helped him fuel some strange desire or something. Dirk met the males red eyes and frowned.

"What’s wrong with you? You just kinda got your ass kicked..."

"HAH! One time! Fuck you that was great heh. I guess you are really fucked up if you snapped like that..." Cael grinned viscously as he sat up and looked directly at him. It was, unnerving to say the least. "I LIKE YOU....Dirk. Heh...Lets play a game, shall we?"

He was...slightly horrified by those words and that entirely too hungry look that rested on the larger male's face. 

"No thanks I'm not too big on games.." And with that he slipped from the hallway and into his room. Dirk shut the door tightly and looked around for anything to block it with. Of course Cael's laughter could be heard through the door, even as nurse’s footsteps echoed down the hallway and there was some struggled sounds as they took the male away. A dead silence settled over the hallway...and over his ears. He was...actually freaking out. A lot.

He had though that showing him up would make Cael leave him alone for good....but he had been so wrong. Somehow he had really messed up and flipped some psychotic switch that was probably going to get him killed. Yes he was skilled in fighting and technique, but it only took one wrong move and one hit before his face or any body part would be completely fucked up. Cael was clearly strong.

Dirk slowly brought his hand up to his own throat as he sunk down towards the floor so that he slumped with his back pressed up against the cool of the door. He was scared.... He was scared of Cael, He was scared of Jake and his sudden infatuation with him, he was scared of being alone, but mostly...he was scared of himself, and the startling prospect that maybe...it was impossible to get better. That he would end up being here or in another adult facility for the rest of his life...It terrified him as those words about him being stuck here echoed in his mind.

How was he supposed to get better like this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I hath started school wah...;A; But anyone! here ya go!


	7. One on One

He hid in his room for as long as he could, which was really only a few minutes since there was soon someone knocking on it. Apparently they weren't allowed to leave you alone except at night time.

Dirk pulled himself from his bed, where he had curled up into a ball and hugged Cal for the past hour or so, and trudged over to the door. It was useless for them to knock when the doors could never lock and he was more than half positive that they had a right to just barge in whenever the hell they wanted.

His hand wrapped around the door nob before he slowly pulled open the door and blink as he was suddenly face to face with a woman. More specifically the doctor. Dirk blinked and stepped back a little bit as he looked up at her face and retained his calm composure.

"May I help you Miss?" He was always polite to elder women, his mom had practically beat his manners into him as a kid after all. Plus this woman, she was the one who signed his golden ticket out of this hell hole, so what was the point of being rude and potentially ending a relationship that he needed to be positive.

"Hello Dirk. I'm glad to see that you don't completely hate your room." He looked back towards his room and nodded curtly as he leaned against the doorway and pursed his lips.

"So what do I owe to this visit to my humble abode?" He asked with an arched eyebrow. "I'm sorry, but my tea set broke so I can't offer you any tea or coffee to drink. In fact I don't even have a kitchen or a chair." He smirked slightly which pulled a smile from Doctor Rose.

"That is acceptable since we are heading to my office for your first one on one consultation. I actually do have tea and coffee if you would like some." She stepped back and motioned down the hallway and Dirk felt his stomach roll. one on one consultation...what did she expect to get out of him. He nodded and walked back to leave cal on his bed before he exited the room and looked up at the doctor. How hard could a one on one consultation be?

"Lead the way Doctor Lalonde and I will follow humbly in your footsteps."

"Oh Mr. Strider you flatter me. Come right around this corner up here." She smiles pleasantly and he did follow behind her in a puppy-like fashion as they came upon her office door.

"You have quite a sharp wit and an equally sharp tongue Dirk. Is there any reason for that?" She casually started up a conversation as she un-locked and opened the door for him before motioning him inside. How was he supposed to answer that ironically? He couldn't really think up an answer.

"I was born with them. Although maybe my mom sharpened my wit with her riddles all the time...either that or video games. Your pick, which one do you think is more likely?" He walked into the office calmly and took in the lavender walls and the nice arm chair and different assortment of couches and chairs. He replied to her question with one of his own just to test her. Dirk was willing to push his luck with how much sass he could get away with.

"Hmm that is not mine to decide. Please take a seat wherever you feel the most comfortable and we'll get started." His eyes followed her as she moved to the arm chair and by natural instinct he went over to the large couch and sat on it in what looked like a comfortable layed back position. In reality he was tense all over and ready to spring to his feet if he needed to. Maybe that was o e of the reason he had snapped at home, he was always tense and readyto flee or strike and he always over-thought things.

"Alright, so tell me Dirk; Why do you think you're here?" She had crossed one leg over the other and had her hands folded neatly in her lap as she looks at him. He wasn't sure if she was smiling or smirking at him, and it was a little unnerving to say the least.

Not to mention they had really hit the ground running with the first question. Dirk shifted where he sat on the couch and he reached up to fidget with his shades.

"Don't you already know that? I had a moment at home where I got stressed out too much and... Broke some things." He pursed his lips and his eyes flicked over to where the doctor sat and then out the window.

"Is that all that happened?"

"Yeah... Just read my file if you want to know." He frowned as he sat there and aboided eye contact. This was going to be as bad as he had originally thought.

"Alright then lets move on. How do you Like Sburb Institution so far? Tell me about who you've met." She was writing something down, he couldn't read it from over here, but it looked like personal notes. Obviously something about him.

"How do I like it? You're assuming that i like it in that statment Doctor Lalonde." He smirked but got no immidiate reaction except for a small smile, so he sighed and pressed on. "The bald headed hulk man out for my head aside, yeah I guess you could say its fine. I mean Ro-Lal and Callie are cool and nice and I met Jake today. He seems, interesting." His conclusion was less than perfect, but how was he supposed to describe his earlier reaction to Jake at all? It had been kind of, well really it had been completely embarrassing. It was a rule to leave out embarrassing dorky habits from conversations as well as embarrassing situations.

Like the fact that he watched "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic". That was a something he never spoke about unless asked directly about it, then of course he would play it off as ironic purposes. In reality though that show was the best, seriously Rainbow Dash was the shit, the sassiest pony anyone had ever met.

Dirk had completely trailed off into his own thoughts and he sat up a bit and looked over at Rose who was looking at him expectantly. He hadn't even heard the question she had asked him while his mind had traveled over to the land of ponies and friendship.

"Wait I...will you repeat that?"

He started awkwardly only to watch her smirk and write something down. She seemed smug about something.

"I didn't say anything Dirk, did you space out while thinking about something or, someone?"

Oh she was such a smug bitch in that moment, he could see it in her eyes as she looked up at him calmly and tapped her pen against the clipboard. It took all of his willpower and more to attempt to stop his blush and it was still impossible to completely keep the red tint from his pale cheeks.

"Not really, I was just wondering what time breakfast was supposed to be since I never got a schedule and I missed it this morning." He looked away and pushed his shades up to the proper place on the bridge of his nose. It was a quick and sloppy save but it worked, and it focused the metaphorical lense onto Rose and not his thoughts and obsessions and, himself in general.

She pursed her lips and nodded before fluidly rising from her seat. Her smug grin was still there, he could just make it out as she walked over to a desk near the back wall. 

"I apologize for the mix up about that. You were supposed to be given one upon your entrance since I wasn't able to consult with you today but Jane who helped checked you in is slightly newer here. As excellent as she is with all of the kids she forgot. Here it is. Now I'll remind you that this isn't like a high school class schedule, if you don't want to show up for some of the suggested activities during free period then you're more than welcome to just wander around of remain in your room." She walked back calmly and handed him a piece of paper that had all of the times that things happened per day. Information that he needed and craved. "We can not force you to stay in your room but it can certainly be a place that you may retreat to if you feel overwhelmed or you need some space. Other than that you are required to stay in your room during sleeping hours and someone may have already informed you that breakfast is a casual and un-required meal before group. Do you possess any questions for me?" She folded her hands and moved back to her arm chair as she looked at him expectantly.

Dirk took in all of that information and looked over the schedule. He was almost insulted by the small section of two hours that read 'Play Time' on his sheet. They weren't kindergartener's but whatever. He didn't let the demeaning choice of words affect him too much.

"This seems fine. Nice to know what I'm doing even if I don't have a clock in my room." He continued to look it over, thankful for the piece of paper that held information that could help him. He didn't feel quite so ignorant now. Not as much anyway.

"Ahh so it does get on your nerves. Why does that annoy you Dirk?" He didn't realize what she was doing so of course he was going to openly complain about the lack of easily accessible clocks.

"Yeah it bugs the fuck out of me. I like to know when things are happening or going to happen, which is hard to do when I don't have a fucking clock. I mean maybe if I got creative I could use this piece of paper, a pen and some used gum to make a sun dial, but really how effective is that or necessary these days?" He had started contemplating dong that, but he would have had to steal a pen off of someone or take it from a desk since he had found none around his room, or anywhere really.

"So you like to be in control of things?"

"What?" Shit, he had totally fallen into one of her physiological traps. "No? I just like knowing what time it is."

"Sure. Don't you think that your need to know the time could be a manifestation of your anxiety and stress?"

He forced out a laugh and avoided her eyes contact. "Wanting to know the time so that you can plan activities is different. How would you schedule your little meetings if you didn't have a clock or time to help you maintain even blocks of time for your appointments?" he turned it back around, get the focus off of himself and onto her. He noted that she wrote something down and smiled.

"What do you need to schedule in a place like this?" Her pen scrawled across the page on her clipboard before it paused and he felt her eyes rest upon him. It was a curious feeling when you knew someone was looking at you intently, and smugly at that, and yet you couldn't meet their eyes. Dirk sunk further into the couch and pushed his shades up to hide his face more.

"...Important shit I guess."

"I see. Interesting."

"..." He fiddled with the end of his shirt before he couldn't take the silence. He wasn't sure which was worse. The prying questions, or the heavy silence that filled the room whenever their talking stopped. "What are you writing?"

"What do you think I'm writing?"

"Probably something about how my answer are somehow wrong from what you expected and I'm single handedly signing my own one way pass back to my room...Or whatever." He pursed his lips and looked for a reaction, but she was too good. A master of hiding her real expression except for the interested little smirk.

"That is partially correct." She wrote a bit more before pausing and looking up at him again. "Dirk, do you believe that you should be here?"

He paused and continued to play with a loose thread on the edge of his shirt as he thought about his answer. Could he be honest here? It didn't seem like it would help him...maybe he wasn't meant to function in regular society. Thoughts buzzed in his head as he took some time to think about his answer.

"I don't know...Why would I need to be here if I feel fine? This is me so...just because something happened doesn't necessarily mean I need to be anywhere. How do you decide if you're meant to be anywhere?" He looked over and finally met the doctors eyes as he spoke. His answer was rather apathetic and he winced at it slightly. Really he could have done much better than that...but at least it was slightly honest.

"Are you sure you feel fine? You sound like you have a lot of questions." She paused and looked at him, but he opted for silence. He had already dug himself a large deep grave, so what was the point of answering anymore of these circular questions when it was just going to make him eventually talk a hundred miles an hour and just blab about his entire life.

Eventually she luckily moved on from that topic, not like what she moved onto was any better though.

"So what is your home life like? Do you have any siblings?"

"Yeah, I have a little brother named Dave. He's already pretty cool and ironic but he's only thirteen right now." He shrugged and looked away. Thinking about Dave right now was, difficult. Since all he could remember was his expression.

"Are you two close?"

"What does that matter? I mean we get along like brothers, have a good wrestling match or fight occasionally. He's learning how to protect himself like a champ already but he's still not match for me. It's great and really fucking entertaining because he gets so frustrated when he loses now." He chuckles a bit and smirked at the memory of their most recent strife, Dave had actually gotten a nice hit on him, but he was still not match against him and Lil Cal. Seriously they were completely unbeatable.

"You actually fight with each other? Why are you learning how to fight?" She was writing things down again and that cause his brain to sort of do a tail-spin out of control. Had he said something off? Maybe she just really enjoyed taking notes, it was kind of her job after all. It just unnerved him that maybe she would send those off to someone, or look at them later and shake her head in disappointment. It was proof of his being here as well. Written proof that he was consulting with a mental health doctor about his mental issues.

"Why not learn how to protect yourself? We just fight because where we live there isn't quite the best crowd. Besides who knows when self defense will come in handy?" He shrugged nonchalantly. His had come in handy just a few hours earlier, obviously it was good to learn self defense. It was also a really good outlet for frustration.

"Do you enjoy fighting and causing harm to others?" She said it so calmly and he just stared at her from behind the protection of his reflective shades.

"No? Why would you enjoy hurting someone...I mean it is good to just physically exert yourself sometimes but it is not cool to go around picking fights."

"So you didn't pick that fight with Caliborn earlier?" Dirk had no idea, how she knew about it but he shifted awkwardly and looked away. He had let out some of his frustration on the other male, but he certainly hadn't instigated that fight.

"No, why would I pick a fight with someone half a foot taller than myself and with biceps the size of my thigh muscles. Truly there are some people you just shouldn't fight with. How do you even know about that?" He tilted his head at her and she just indicated to one of the cameras that was tucked into the corner of the walls. Right...there were cameras everywhere. How had he not even thought of that.

"Then shouldn't you know who started the fight? Unless your deductions skills are terrible, I bet Sherlock Holmes is rolling in his grave right about now as the entity of deduction is being shamed by your questions. Poor man, I bet he hasn't gotten a wink of fucking peaceful death with all of these false deductions, and not to even mention the way the police system works."

Rose calmly cleared her throat and smiled at him and Dirk paled a bit. How had he started in on THAT rant? He ran his fingers through his hair awkwardly as he mentally berated himself. If he did that in front of the doctor then he was practically filling out his own admission ticket to the loony bin.

"Shit....Sorry I'll shut up."

"Oh no, please continue it was entertaining. Do you dislike your own stories?" He felt stunned at how well she could hit the nails on his head. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe Sherlock was applauding in his coffin at her skills of deduction and giving him a solid thumbs down.

"Not really I mean...They're just annoying and impulsive. I'm fairly certain I annoy most of the people around me with them but you can't make everyone happy. So whatever. Not like it fucking matters, I think these days people just thankfully tune me out so it's fine." Lies, he hated them. They were pointless wastes of time that just made people tune him out. He pursed his lips and looked over towards the clock and then down at the schedule. He sat up straighter and looked at Doctor Rose.

"So are we about done here?" She was still writing, but it was game over, time was up.

"It appears we just about are. Before you go though I would like to remind you that in about weeks time we will have another meeting." He was already on his feet but pretended to be casual about it as he smoothed out his shirt and nodded.

"Okay, I'll see ya in group then Doc. Don't work too hard until then." He saluted her before making his way over towards the door as calmly as he could, despite the fact that he wanted to bolt and run down the hallways and far far away.

"Dirk, one more thing." She remained in her chair and looked over at him

He paused with his hand on the door before he looked over at her. "Yes?" Her smile was oddly soft and nice compared to the smirks he had seen through out their session. Then again that could have been his imagination. He knew enough about manners to turn around and face her as she spoke.

"I don't think you need to worry about your little stories or rants, however you choose to refer to them. I quite enjoy them and I'm sure that other people do as well. You don't need to be so hard on yourself." She shuffled her loose papers and clipped them neatly before standing and nodding to him. "You may go now."

His palms felt slick as he stared at her before he opened the door and used every ounce of willpower he had to stop himself from sprinting down the hallway. It didn't entirely work as he ended up practically speed walking along the hallway as his brain raced.

He'd tried so hard, so FUCKING hard and she'd seen right through him. He had never before in his entire life felt so translucent and exposed. He'd thought that he'd been nearly perfect, maybe there were a few mess ups in his act, but it would have fooled his parents even. He had kept his normal expression. Oh who was he kidding, he was a fucking terrible actor because she had seen right through him. Right to the scared little wimp he really was. It was terrifying and he couldn't help but glance over his shoulder to make sure that no one was following him, especially not her.

He didn't hate her, he was just completely unnerved by her. It was his job to be able to fool people into thinking he was fine. He had been doing is successfully for seventeen years now! Until he hadn't, and he'd ended up here. Where apparently EVERYONE could see right through him like a piece of fucking plastic. Like the very shades on his face. He was trapped in a fishbowl and everyone was watching him, he felt too naked. It creeped him the fuck out.

Unluckily for him, when he glanced over his should he also turned a corner and ran smack dab into someone and toppled them both over onto the hard floor. He ended up hitting his forehead and his elbow on the floor as they landed, and he let out a grunt that mirrored that of the person below him.

Dirk slowly pushed himself up and off of the person underneath him as he blinked away his swimming vision and quickly focused on a face. His forehead hadn't hit the floor, it had very obviously hit Jake's forehead, since he was sporting quite the red mark that undoubtedly looked just like the one on his forehead.

"Fuck, sorry dude." Dirk rubbed at his forehead to try and relieve some of the pain. He felt terribly embarrassed though as Jake looked up at him with his green eyes and chuckled.

"Galloping off to a fire are you Dirk? What has you moving so lickety-split through these hallowed halls anyhow?" Jake sat up as well as they untangled themselves, much to Dirk's utter shame and embarrassment. He rubbed the back of his neck as he stood up and offered the other hand to Jake to help him to his feet as well.

"Just...had a meeting with the Doctor and didn't want to overstay. Or return." He shrugged and looked around before he groaned. There on the floor sat his shades, cracked right down the middle and in two halves. "Are you fucking kidding me?" He kneels down and scooped them up before looking at the two halves and heaving a sigh. 

"Oh Bollocks mate that really blows. Is there any way to fix them? I feel right terrible about this dreadful outcome." Jake hovered close to him as he examined the two halves of his shades. It was, so sad and depression and he could see no ope for them. Especially since he didn't even have a glue gun and probably couldn't get one even if he begged the staff.

"No, I don't think I'll be able to fix them. Not here at least." He sighed and slid the two halves into the pocket of his pants and looked at Jake. "Sorry for just knocking you over like a fucking bulldozer."

Jake just stopped and stared at him with a blank but curious expression. Dirk simply stared back before waving a hand in front of his face and poking his forehead.

"Earth to English. Is there something on my face besides the mark where we thought it would be a good idea to knock our fucking heads together?" He crossed his arms and tilted his head before it registered what might be making him stare like a baffled fol at his face. His shade had just been broken, and his eyes were showing. Brilliant.

Dirk looked away a little flustered, he didn't feel like making eye contact right now. Especially not with the guy he'd gotten an almost instant boner over. Just thinking about it made him fluster inside as he attempted to remain as calm and collected as possible.

"Your eyes are incredible Dirk!" He was leaning in quite a bit and Dirk in turn leaned away before he calmly pushed Jake back a bit with a finger on his chest. 

"Thanks but the optimal viewing distance is at least a foot away bro. You're encroaching on the incredible territory, wouldn't want you to catch this sickness man." He smirked as Jake grinned and leaned back to stand at least a foot away.

"Sorry Dirk! I'd just never seen anything so captivating, those are dangerous weapons that could entrap anyones heart there mate. You should be careful." Oh god. 'Oh shit, oh god, oh shit oh fuck oh god. Is he flirting with me?! Be cool Dirk.' His mind went nuts as he tried to remind himself to be cool in this situation but he didn't have his shades to help block his expression, and he knew that his eyes were expressive. He was incredibly easy to read at times, especially without his shades, and as he came tot he realization that Jake was flirting with him everything just kind of crumbled away.

"Hahaha...hah..." He let out, the most awkward laugh he had probably ever forced out of himself as he quickly looked away from the male. He cleared his throat to cover it up as best he could but the damage had already been done. "Definitely, hence the shades dude. I'll have to see if I can get my bro to bring me another pair or something. I'll actually go ask right now, maybe I haven't fucked up enough to have them hate me yet. Say I'm a train and those tracks are fucking clean as a whistle ahead of me, hopefully the train manager doesn't look behind at the dirty chaotic mess of track I've left though. Wouldn't want to derail the entire train and it's precise schedule. You know how business men on a late train are."

"..."

Oh fucking hell. Jake was just staring at him as he came to a close on his train rant. HIS FUCKING TRAIN RANT. WHO RANTS ABOUT MOTHER FUCKING TRAINS? Dirk looked away as he felt his cheeks and the back of his neck heat up in an embarrassed blush. It only got worse, so much worse, when Jake started laughing. Laughing at him as he clutched his side and trailed off into little chuckles and patted him on his shoulder.

Internally he was completely panicked. He had just completely fucked up any chances of ever seeming calm and collected in front of Jake. He wished he could melt into the floor and never become a sentient being ever again, but his body was completely frozen in place as Jake just chuckled and patted him on the back.

"You're a hilarious chap! My sides have never felt so tickled in my life Dirk!" He lets out another short laugh and Dirk just drew a hand over his face and eventually pulled himself together enough to turn away.

"Glad to have made you smile English. I'll see you around." He waved over his shoulder casually as he walked off down the hallway away from him, as he calmly reminded himself not to panic.

"See you later, Dirk." He glanced over his shoulder long enough to watch Jake winks at him before turning down the hallway. Dirk wanted to run, but he had just learned his lesson about running in the hallways. It was a thing one shouldn't do if they didn't want to make complete fools of themselves. The urge to huddle in a ball in embarrassment grew as he headed towards the front desk. He silently prayed that whatever deity that looked over their small earth would pick him out and strike him down. He had been wishing to be struck down quite a lot lately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! This one was nearly 5,000 words! That's why it took me so long! >n


	8. It's called a Swagger

Somehow, by the graces of life, liberty and his failure to pursue happiness; he made it to the front desk. It should be noted he made it there without freaking out or huddling in a ball on the floor like he wanted to do. His first day at Sburb Institutions had been depressing and if not anything else, eye opening.

His second day; well his second day was a lot of things. Terrifying seemed a good enough word; also stressful, manic, scary, horrifying, traumatic, terrible, terrifying, chaotic, strange, exciting in the bad way, like too much excitement, oh and did he mention terrifying? In case you missed it, terrifying.

Despite those feelings he had survived so far. Though the prospect of 'play time' and dinner still to come made him want to slam his head into a wall very ungracefully, he knew he would get over it and make it through another day; just like he always had.

When he reached the front desk, to his relief, Jane was sitting behind it as she calmly talked on the phone and ended a conversation. The way she reassured the panicky voice on the other side that their child was doing just fine made it obvious that it was someone's parents.

"Don't worry ma'am, the visiting period of the month is coming up in a week and a half and you'll be able to have a conference with your son then...Yes thank you. Have a good day!" Jane sounded so chipper as she hung up before turning and smiling up at him brilliantly.

"Hello Dirk!" She stared a bit closer and her grin increased. "Finally felt like testing out the lighting of the building without protective eye wear I see!"

"Sup?" he frowned at what she said and pursed his lips before he held up the glasses that were snapped in half in his wide hand. "I'm afraid that my protective eye wear was not protected as well as it was protecting my delicate and beautiful seeing orbs." He batted his eyelashes for dramatic effect.

"Oh no! How terrible, how did that happen!" She frowned and looked at him concern. "Are you really torn up about it? You were wearing them all the time, I'm sorry."

He shrugged, what was there to really do about it? Maybe he could be sad and sulk around, but that was a pointless waste of energy in the end. He wouldn't get new glasses by doing that, he'd only be hurting himself.

"Well it blows but, what can you do? I was actually wondering if I could call my brother or…My house and ask them to bring me another pair." His eyes met her bright blue ones as he looked at her stoically, his eyes were pleading though. The look that was returned to him was apologetic, and he knew the answer before she was even able to speak.

"I'm sorry Dirk, but they don't think that is a necessary reason to call home. You can certainly ask on Saturday when everyone has the opportunity to call their parents. There’s only one phone call a week though, which I find completely silly! I mean some kids don't want to call their parents of course but it just seems silly." She pouted and Dirk felt the corners of his mouth lift upwards into a half smile.

"That was well said Jane. I have to agree with you, but it’s fine. I'm not going to suffer if I don't have my shades after all." He watched her smile softly in return and blush as she realized she had ranted at him.

"Sorry, saying that was unprofessional and uncalled for."

"Nah don't be sorry, honestly who am I going to rat you out to?" he motioned to the empty hallways around them and managed to get Jane to giggle a bit.

"Okay you're right I was being silly. Do you want me to take your glasses? I could possibly get them fixed with super glue or something if you want!" She held her hand out and he hesitated. Would she take care of them? Broken or not they were his, one of the only things he was allowed to keep with him that tied him to a time before this all happened.

He caved in and gently placed the broken halves in her hand before letting them go. It was tough, but they were basically useless to him right now. Broken shades were just that, broken. Just like how he was broken inside.

"I guess this is the perfect place to fix something that’s broken. Since that what they do here." he looked up at Jane. "Fix broken people."

She stared at him with her mouth in a small o shape as she processed what he said. Eventually the corners of her mouth curled up into a smile and she nodded enthusiastically. 

"It’s what everyone tries to do, but I don't think anyone here is really broken. That’s too harsh of a declaration. Everyone here is just different, and they need help coping with these differences. I don't think anyone can really change anyone else, you can just help them feel more comfortable about their differences."

Her words were incredibly wise and Dirk felt himself become more grateful for her existence at this institute. Jane was, level headed and she actually cared about them as people, not just rejects of society. Which technically they were rejects, but hey, those were just specifics.

"That was incredibly well-stated. I think that works quite nicely." Dirk nodded and watched as Jane lit-up like a Christmas tree over his compliment.

"Oh yay! I’m glad you think so! That actually means a lot to me Dirk! You're so supportive." He smiled slightly and nodded.

"I'm glad. You take care now; I think I'm supposed to go back to my room or sumthin..." His words trailed off awkwardly as he attempted to step out of the conversation. He did enjoy talking to her, more than any other adult here, but he was still feeling uneasy from everything.

"Oh! Okay! Actually... I think free time started just a moment ago! So you can head down to the play room. It sounds kind of demeaning, but there is a foosball table and other fun things." Dirk thought about it and hummed softly.

"Why the hell not, I'll go check it out..." He shrugged before letting his arms drop to slap his thighs and make a loud smack against the jean fabric of his pants.

"I think the way they named it is so wrong but, oh well. I'll see you later Dirk! Keep me posted!" She smiled and waved and he returned the friendly gesture before shoving his hands into his pockets. He had no idea where the 'playroom' was but he figured he would find it eventually. Or he would give up and go hide in his room some more.

No.

No more hiding or sulking in his fucking room, he was strong god damn it. Sulking was not something he needed to do. Even if he did feel like a kicked puppy today.

He ran into some of the other kids as they shuffled towards a room that had two entrances. One was closer to him and the other opened up on the far side of the wall.

It turned out that the playroom was actually connected to the group session room. It was just a smaller section through a set of double doors that had been hidden by a curtain earlier. Kids were allowed to freely move between both rooms or wander the hallway if they were "In Good Standing" at the time.

His eyes perused the room as he walked through the doorway and met several curious pairs. He was looking for familiar faces but he didn't see Roxy, Callie or Jake. Dirk knew that Jake was most likely in a one on one conference with Dr. Lalonde since he had been headed in that direction. However Roxy and Callie were nowhere to be seen at the moment.

Dirk's feet slid along the cheap carpet before he picked them up and they carried him over to the foosball table.

It wasn't in mint condition, but it wasn't too beaten up or unusable either. It was just played with; it was perfect for a place like this.

He idly spun one of the handles and watched as the fake soccer player spun around as well. The little wooden figurines were red and white to signal the two different sides.

"Do you know how to fucking play?"

The sudden intrusion of a voice startled him, but he didn't show it on his face as he simply looked up. He remembered briefly that he wasn't alone in the room and pursed his lips as he met the gaze of the short and grumpy grey sweater clad kid.

"I know a thing or two, maybe more. I wouldn't say I'm an expert or anything though." He tilted his head as he idly fingered one of the handles to make it spin.

"I didn't ask if you were an expert, I just don't want some nub sponge idiot who doesn't know the rules as an opponent." The kid’s voice was slightly rough and despite his size he came across in an important and loud way.

"Is that a challenge? If so then I accept. Prepare to take a trip to ass-whipping city. You'll have to pay for your own ticket though." He smirked and made a motion to push up his shades before he too late remembered that they were broken and not on his face.

"Hah! I can guarantee that you'll be the one getting your ass beat. Since there's nothing else to do in this fucked up place I tend to be able to destroy anyone who is less than excellent." Karkat pushed the sleeves of his sweater upwards before he grabbed the handles of the red team and spun one. "I'll give you a chance and let you start the ball."

Dirk nodded and looked around before he spotted the ball near his own goal. He took it and placed it in the middle of the field as he held his own handle with his other hand.

"Ready... Set...Go!" He let the ball go and twisted his handle rapidly to try and hit the ball towards shouty's goal. He pulled and pushed the handles farther in and then out to hit the ball back and forth with Karkat. The game was simple, get the ball in the other person’s goal. First one to however many points is the winner. You know your average childhood game system. 

The only problem was being fast enough and having enough dexterity in your wrist to REALLY knock the ball as hard as you could. He focused on the game and manages to get a few hits in. 

"So what happened to your dorky ass shades that screamed 'I try way too hard '. Did you finally get them taken away or some shit?"

Dirk blinked but didn't lose focus as he twirled one of his poles and hit the ball back clear across the field, causing Karkat to curse. 

"Nope, they just broke. Why, is my gorgeous face too much for you to handle?" He smirked as he scored a goal and Karkat had to get the ball and start it in the middle again.

"Hell no. My life doesn't revolve around the state of your fucking face nor how pretty or ugly it is; weirdo." Karkat managed to steal the ball and Dirk grit his teeth slightly as he focused on the game.

"Good to know Karkat? That’s your name right?" He glanced up to meet the males eyes for a moment, noting the dark circles underneath them before focusing back on the game and spinning his right hand to attempt to stop the ball Karkat currently had possession of. It was an incredibly intense game.

"Yeah, don't wear it out douche." He paused for a bit and Dirk was slightly amused by the easily administered insult to his person. "Everyone knows your name, although mostly they run their mouths about your fucking title or whatever the hell it's called. Personally I think it's dumb, yes let’s all call the new guy something wild because we have no lives, that sounds good to me. Not that your heroic and soap opera-esq comments helped that along either."

Dirk winced slightly at the reference to his reputation and nodded his head in Karkat's direction, only to have to witness the male score in their game.

"Thanks for that I guess. Whatever though, people can call me whatever they want." he shrugged as he went and grabbed the ball before putting it back into play in the middle of the field. He spun his fake players this way and that, both of them making quite a bit of noise as they played the game rather competitively. As awkward as Dirk felt around Karkat and the fact that he didn't know him at all, some healthy fun competition felt nice. Plus he was being mildly friendly, despite the insults. At least that part was entertaining.

"Yeah whatever, people are assholes. I do have a question though that’s probably going to make ME sound like an asshole but I am one so." Dirk could see the males point of view, but he didn't believe that everyone were assholes. Some people were just downright nice, like Callie. Callie was just incredibly sweet and he'd never even seen her get angry. Although he had only known her for two days it still came across in her personality.

"Alright shoot. Ask away and either I will ignore your question and artfully steer the conversation in another direction, or maybe if you're lucky I'll answer." Their hands moved quickly on the pegs, shooting the ball back and forth in a fast paced game.

"Wow that was...you know what, never mind about that. Ugh I just wanted to know what that creepy ass puppet thing is that you were carrying around and had at group. Gave me the fucking creeps man." Dirk raised an eyebrow upwards before shaking his head.

"Dude, Lil Cal is the shit."

"Lil Cal? You fucking named it? Oh my god what is this world coming to." Karkat seemed to be in extreme anguish over the whole idea that he had named his puppet and he laughed softly under his breath.

"Yes that's his name. Dude that puppet has more skill and swagger than you and me combined." he smirked as the game came to a pause when Karkat just stared at him in an angry and shocked way.

"You think...that a puppet has swagger. Are you FUCKING kidding me? I wish a ceiling tile would fall onto my head and wipe my head clean of any recollection of this conversation. An orange, butt chaffing puppet that has a name and swag? First of all who still uses the word swag? Isn't that for fucking kindergarteners who think that they suddenly become someone important when they use words they don't even know the shitty meaning of?" Karkat had completely stopped playing the game and Dirk scored a goal for the hell of it before he also paused in his game.

"I said swagger, which is the actual word. ’Swag' is something a twelve year old invented to make him sound cool on the internet. A swagger is a motion that can be applied while walking." Dirk's lips curled upwards slightly as he leaned on the table and watched Karkat who had crossed his arms despite the largeness of his dark grey sweater and was glaring up at him with all of the angry he could muster.

"Oh I see, sorry for not having taking a class in walking terms 101, how to swagger like a douche. In fact I wouldn't mind a fucking demonstration since you seem so confident." Because they had been making quite the ruckus, especially with their paused game and Karkat's naturally louder voice, the nurses in the room were looking at them curiously if not a bit cautiously. Plus Dirk figured they'd heard about all the fights he'd gotten into, which naturally made him out to be a problem child.

That however didn't stop him from pushing off the table and swiping his thumb across his nose as he smirked at Karkat.

"Oh Challenge accepted. One runway level strut complete with a swagger coming right up. Would you like a side of sassy or sexy with that order sir?" he looked at Karkat smugly as the male walked around so that he could lean back against the table to watch him. Many of the kids in the room had turned to watch their little competition over a word definition. Even Kani and Kurk who had been lounging on the couch together sat up and Kani stopped his continuous talking about random things that triggered him and other people. Despite the unwanted attention Dirk remained where he was. He couldn't back down now, he had already committed too much sass to the whole thing to back out calmly now.

"Oh yes please, a side of sass, because we obviously don't get enough of that here." His reply was as sarcastic as could be but Dirk simply gave him a thumbs up before he took a few steps back. Being that he was a huge dork, he started singing Sexy back in his head as he did indeed start a model walk. He hooked one thumb in his belt loop as he strutted across the room in front of Karkat giving it his walk a bit of a swagger for the purpose of the demonstration.

"If you want to walk with a swagger, then you have to let your body tilt from side to side slightly so that it looks like you're swaying as you walk." Most everyone in the room was watching him now and he wondered absently why the hell he was giving lessons on how to walk, during their supposed free time. However he none the less walked almost all the way to the wall before he stopped did a few stiff model poses and turned around to walk back with the same kind of motion before stopping right in front of Karkat.

"And that, is how you swagger."

"Thank you, my life have been infinitely improved by your lesson on what swaggering is. Now I can die in fucking peace and no longer let it bother me insensately." Dirk smirked and patted the short male on the head before he was promptly tackled from behind, which caused his entire body to go rigid.

He quickly figured out that it was a hug, but he was still as stiff as a rail as he craned his neck to see who had tackled him.

"Distri that was so cool! Seriously I had no idea you could walk like such a man." Roxy grinned at him before she let him go from her hug. She seemed, oddly happier and he raised an eyebrow questioningly. He had no idea where she came from but he was relieved to be near here again. However his stiffness remained and he took several steps away from her just to give them some distance. Apparently she'd noticed though.

"Oh I'm sorry, your personal bubble is important. I am sooo sorry Dirky. You just walk so attractively." She giggled and patted him on the shoulder and he just stared at her before his eyes went wide as he came to a realization. 

"Roxy are you-?"

He hand covered his mouth and she shushed him promptly and held the pointer finger of her other hand up against her own lips as she looked at him.

"No no no, Dirk. That is a very very important secret. Don't tell anyone. I'm just happy; it's not a crime ya know." She grinned and grabbed the end of her long scarf before she twirled it a bit clumsily. Karkat was just staring at her with an open mouth before he grit his teeth and smacked the center of his forehead with his palm.

"You have GOT to be kidding me. Not this shit again." Dirk looked over at him and resumed his neutral expression as he slowly peeled Roxy's hand from his mouth and looked at Karkat.

"Again? So this happens a lot..." He frowned and looked at Roxy as she blinked before waving her hand nonchalantly.

"It's fine DiStri, I can take care of myself. I know what’s best and this was just something that happened so don't even...jus don't worry bout it kay?" She grinned before Karkat spoke up.

"I'll leave you with the drunk girl then. Also just know that she not allowed to be like that. She's too sneaky for her own good though and she's going to get us all put on bedroom arrest because of this bullshit. Whatever, if anyone asks, I was spiritually detached from my worthless corporeal form when this bullshittery happened so I wasn't even involved." Karkat threw his hands up before he wandered off to a different part of the room and sat down in a chair. Dirk frowned as he was at a loss of what to do with Roxy. The least he could do was put a hand on her shoulder to keep her from swaying too much as she stood there. He leaned in close to whisper to her as nurses hovered around the edges of the room and watched them curiously; they hadn't heard any of her drunken ramblings. Not yet at least.

"Roxy, how much did you drink?" She seemed to be focused on his hair rather than his words as she reached up to touch it.

"Your hair sticks up funny Dirky." she giggled drunkenly and patted him on the head a few times. This only caused his frown to deepen as he bent down to be at eye level with her and repeated his question.

"Roxy how much did you drink?" She paused and stared at him before grinning wide and tugging on her scarf.

"Jus a few shots of Vodka ya know...Founds it. Well I had to sneak in and stuff but I got a few and hid them and I have another one. I just feel so much better now Dirky you know? I mean it had been so long!" The situation really set in as the words permeated his ear cavities and eventually his brain. She wasn't supposed to have alcohol, because she had a problem. Obviously a serious one if she was going to risk stealing for it.

He frowned but before he could say anything else Roxy had noticed a nurse that was approaching her so she promptly smiled and turned around to head back towards the door.

"I'll see you around DiStri! Take care!" She left with a happy smile before wandering off down the hallway. He stared after her completely unsure what to do as the nurse slowed down and looked out into the hallway after Roxy. It was difficult for his brain to process that Roxy was an alcoholic....or was she? Karkat had said that she specifically wasn't allowed to drink that, and yet she had somehow found some and drank it. 

The obvious good and helpful person who was concerned about his new friends wellbeing would tell the staff, but that would also be a traitor who unleashed the terrible system upon his friends. He was torn as he watched the nurse go to a phone on the wall and dial a few numbers before hanging up and heading down the hallway. His gut clenched and he calmly just turned around and looked back at the foosball game.

It didn't look fun anymore...He didn't feel like participating in 'playtime' anymore. Roxy was sweet and she was the first friend he had met here and now she was drunk and loopy and, he didn't like it. It wasn't like he hated her now, he still felt this nagging voice telling him to go take care of her and keep her safe and away from the nurses but, he also felt like that would only hinder her. Was it really helping her if he just let her go through with it though?

He'd spent too long thinking, and by Roxy was too far down the hallway. He couldn't say how long he stood there and just stared out those doors as the realization of their situation hit him.

Dirk didn't eat dinner after they were ushered back to their rooms. Despite his hunger that afternoon he felt sick to his stomach as he lay in his bed that night with Cal and stared at the ceiling. Despite how normal everyone seemed...they all had problems, ones that needed to be fixed. So which problem did he have? Why was he REALLY there? The answer escaped him as he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, my Senior year is going to kill me. SO before it does here...have an update. <3 I'm sorry this took forever...life is sucky and i want to write everyday but life keeps getting in the way.
> 
> Please enjoy! and there will most likely be a timeskip in the next one so that we can really get the plot going ^^


	9. Just one of those days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I certainly apologize for my absence. School got crazy and I guess I didn't realize my Senior year would be so hectic and busy. However I'm on break now and I plan to update both this story and my other BubbaLee story at least a few times before school is back in session.
> 
> Please enjoy and again I apologize for the wait. ^^

Several weeks passed and he soon felt himself slipping into a regular rhythm for every day. If he had even realized that that was what he was doing, he probably would have snapped out of it.

The human ability to assimilate and adapt to situations quickly was entirely fascinating to him, and yet here he was becoming a statistic in this sort of place.

He was still shell shocked the third day, especially when Roxy went missing for the day and the doctor seemed on edge. Hell that day everyone was on edge. Needless to say group session was incredibly quiet and tense as they all sat in their wonky circle and avoided all discussions of Roxy or anything alcoholic related.

Eventually near the end of the week Cael was let back into the group talks and was allowed to go to lunches albeit with a guard in the room still. There was no question about whether or not this set Dirk on edge, he was being so obvious that it made him ashamed of himself. Every time Cael would so much as get within a foot of him, he would automatically tense up ready for a fight.

The sneers and oddly interested looks he would get in return only caused his jaw to set more. He was being baited into a fight and it frustrated him because it was working. More than anything he wanted to defend himself and shove that cocky kid into a wall, but he knew he had more restraint than that. Well at least he hoped he had more restraint than that. Those snarky comments he would hear from time to time really set him on edge though and he had to repeat a mantra of calming, supportive words to keep himself in check.

One such instance took place in the cafeteria that day as he'd sat down at his usual table with a huff. It was meatloaf again, he hated meatloaf and he was too absorbed in the pity of the supposed edible food on his tray to notice his surrounds until it was too late. At least Roxy called it out.

"Jolly green Giant, 3 o'clock Dirky." She promptly shut her mouth and focused on mashing up her already puréed potatoes.

He couldn't tense fast enough as Cael walked directly up to their table and stood near the end of it.

"Strider, Strider, Strider. Do you want to play a game?" Dirk did his best to ignore the large grin that was aimed at him and instead kept his calming mantra on eternal repeat in his mind.

It also didn't help that he was having one of THOSE days. His anxiety was spiking and he felt worse than he had in a long time. Somehow he doubted that the little pills they were giving him actually helped, especially on a day like today. Every time someone looked at him strangely it immediately translated in his head as a slap in the face. phrases like 'They don't really like you' or 'wow no wonder nobody likes you' were buzzing in his head constantly. Having Cael riding his ass, figuratively of course, did not help either.

He was shoved slightly by the male as Cael stood behind him like an oppressive shadow. Intimidation was something that the 'jolly green giant' had mastered with skill and Dirk felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up at attention.

"I'm talking to you blonde dork." The sneer in his voice was even more prominent and Dirk frowned before he leaned an elbow on the table and twisted slightly to look over his shoulder at the looming man.

"What Cael?"

"I asked if you wanted to play a fucking game."

"No, I doubt any of your games are even the slightest bit entertaining for the other party."

"Oh? What makes you so sure?" Cael stepped forward slightly so that he was looming over Dirk even more and the blonde had to practically crane his neck just to try and see his face. it was quite the submissive position and he was sure his neck would hurt later because of it. Luckily for him Jake had entered the cafeteria and was waltzing over towards their table with an eyebrow arched upwards.

"What have we here? You know the staff don't enjoy any fisticuffs in the cafeteria, or at all really."

Cael sneered at the man as he approached and Dirk inwardly groaned, he didn't want to get Jake involved. They were getting along nicely right now and he actually like that, even if the kid was completely oblivious to how he made Dirk squirm at times. He sat up straighter and his orange eyes searched for Jake's as Cael turned his attention towards the other man.

"Stay out of this Glasses dweeb. Go back to old England and catch the fucking plague." he made a motion to step towards Jake but the guard that was meant to watch him stepped forward as well in a warning motion. Cael backed down slightly as he noticed the guard and he rolled his large shoulders threateningly before taking a step back.

"Whatever, I'll play a game with you later then..." He walked past where Dirk was sitting and he visibly stiffened and his fists clenched in both fear and discomfort as he felt Cael's fingers comb through his messy blonde hair before the large teen stalked off to a different part of the cafeteria. His hair had just been fondled...by the man who seemed to want his head on a silver platter. Dirk remained frozen in his rigid and uncomfortable position with his back as straight as a board. His face must have let on to the shock he felt because Roxy was leaning across the table and he felt her grab his hand softly.

"Dirk you okay? What a creep, ugh I hate him...Why did he even do that?" She sounded more angry then he'd ever heard her but there was a hint of worry and he relaxed ever so slightly before his entire posture deflated and he slouched on the cafeteria bench. He wasn't prepared for this today, and the fact that Cael had touched his hair practically just put him over the edge. It was, gross and he felt like he was being hunted. He was weak, like a rabbit just waiting to get killed by the wolf that was hunting him down. All he could focus on was how he had just let himself be played with like that and his outward disgust rapidly turned inwards as he pulled his hand away from Roxy's and drew it over his face.

"I'm fine..." He muttered the reply calmly as all of his limbs drew themselves inward and away from the people around him. He didn't deserve their concern if he couldn't even stand up for himself...he didn't deserve them. What had he been thinking staying and hanging out with them, he caused problems just by being there. Naturally nobody should want to hang out with someone that only brought problems...They would realize it sooner or later, he'd rather it be sooner so that he could get it over with.

"You don't look fine hun. Lets all just agree that Mr. I'm a big ass hulk on steroids is just annoying and not even worth our time...we'll just make sure to avoid him or complain or sumthin. Kay Dirky?" She was trying to reassure him, but he swore it sounded half hearted. Maybe she was only saying that so that he wouldn't mope so much.

Dirk couldn't help but jump slightly and whip his head upwards as he felt more fingers in his hair. He very quickly realized that these were much smaller and more delicate fingers than Cael's and he glanced up to see Jake standing over him.

"Sorry mate, didn't mean to startle you and get your knickers in a twist! Just fixing up the chaos he caused your locks." Jake smiled wide at him and his fingers once again started combing through his blond hair in a rhythmic and soothing pattern. Dirk attempted to hold himself together, but he had a weakness for people playing with his hair or tugging on it, and Jake...Well Jake was tugging on it perfectly and just running his fingers through it and Dirk was basically puddy in the boys hands. This was a completely different feeling than when Cael had touched him minutes ago.

Before he even knew it he had completely relaxed and his eyes were closed as he leaned back against Jake. He heard a soft giggle and his mind came back to reality enough for him to feel his lips quirk up slightly in a smile. Shit, what was he doing?

"Dirky, you look like you're about to start purring." His eyes shot open and his muscles bunched up with tension as he promptly sat up as straight as a board. Shit, he'd totally just let himself get lost in that feeling. Dirk groaned and slumped forward onto the table to hide his face in the crook of his elbow.

"Roxy, you caused his muscles to become all jibber jabbered up again. Bollocks he was finally relaxing." Jake's voice had a slight scowl to it and his hands dropped to his sides. Dirk kept his face hidden in his arm as he fought for control of his own body once again. He mumbled a reply but it was lost in the fold of his arm.

"Can't hear ya Dirky." Roxy giggled and he could imagine the smile Calliope would probably have on her face, sweet and also shy because she was laughing at his expense. He lifted his head and gave the two girls the most sarcastic look he could muster. Too bad it didn't reach his eyes, he was faking everything today it seemed.

"I said that I'm not sure what Jibber Jabbered is but it at least sounds mildly entertaining." He looked over at Jake and smirked as the boy blinked before looking slightly offended. Roxy and Calliope immediately focused in on Jake and started nit picking his word choices and laughing at that. Dirk slumped forward and stared absently at the table. He'd successfully gotten away with saying what he had really mumbled and even focused the attention on Jake as well. Yet some part of him...a part very deep down wished they would look at him and ask what was really wrong. What it was that made him stay up late at night, listening to that Karkat kid scream before the doctors would come and sedate him, before his own thoughts would finally shut up as well and let him sleep.

If he ever let on that he wasn't at his top or that something was bothering him, it would just circulate and then he would be that attention whore. The one that just wants help for their problems. Sure he was diagnosed with something here, but Roxy had a real problem she could complain about. Jake and Calliope probably had real problems too. he was just a self centered prick who couldn't deal with ordinary life without flipping his shit.

What gave him the right to even sit here and sulk? He was a white male, he was privileged and he had an awesome life with awesome parents and even a pretty cool little brother. Yet he was sitting here sulking as if the world had just caved in on him. Seriously he was such a worthless piece of shit for not dealing with his own problems. Hell, Cael had more reason to bitch than he did.

No he couldn't say anything, if he admitted that he wasn't feeling at his best then it would definitely just be him being a senseless whiny asshole. Really he had no right to even be at this facility, to seek treatment. For what? For being dumb and unable to handle the basics of high school and life? What kind of example was he setting for his little brother? 'Uh yeah bro, I'm really inadequate, seriously I couldn't even get through life as a kid because I complain and I'm basically a terrible human being. Don't be like me.' That was really what he was putting out there. Maybe he was broken...he was here because he was broken and horrible. He didn't deserve to be here to get help, he deserved to be here so that other people didn't have to suffer through his presence.

Dirk's thoughts continued to spiral downwards as he sat there in a self induced stupor that went unnoticed by the other people at the table as they teased Jake about his vocabulary. His shoulder's slumped higher and higher as his wish to melt into the floor and be invisible grew even stronger with every thought piled on top of the last. His thumb started to twitch slightly.

"Hey Janey! What are you doing down here by us messed up people?" Roxy giggled and waved to the nurse as she approached and Dirk was pulled from his self induced black hole as she approached their table with her usually bright smile.

"Jane! Oh my i have so many exciting adventures to tell you!" Jake was immediately sitting up straighter as he looked at the nurse happily. Dirk noted that if Jake were a puppy, he would probably have had a wagging tail at that moment. The image made him smile slightly, but it was promptly wiped away as he realized that this reaction was towards Jane and not himself. Jake was happy Jane was there, and he on the other hand was just a nuisance that talked too much.

"Hey Roxy, hello Jake and Callie. Oh hi Dirk! I almost didn't see you there!" She giggled slightly and gave him a wave as he met her gaze from where he sat slumped against the table.

He tried his best to smile as genuinely as he could, but it was the most fake shit he had ever managed and it came across more as a grimace than anything else. She noticed, he could tell, and he panicked.

"Sup Jane? How is life?" He swallowed thickly, everything felt so tense and he felt his hands twitch in anticipation. Anticipation of what, he still wasn't quite sure but it was driving him nuts. It felt like everything was escalating toward some unfortunate climax. It was making him nervous beyond repair.

"Oh it's been good! A quiet day but sometimes that's a good thing. How are you? You seem a bit down!" He pursed his lips and drummed his fingers on the table rapidly before rolling his shoulders back into a forced relaxed position.

"I do? Hmn must be the slop they fed us for lunch today. I thought I was getting used to eating cafeteria food but I guess I was wrong." He shrugged and pushed his barely touched tray of food away. Dirk made the mistake of looking at Roxy, an her gaze pierced right through him and made his stomach drop out more than it already was. He felt like he was going to be sick, he was just a giant transparent window right now. Dirk wanted his shades more than ever.

"Dirk's right. This confounded excuse for cuisine seems even more hornswoggled than usual." Dirk looked at Jake but didn't bother to comment on the usually odd word choice. In fact he was great full that Jake was so oblivious in this moment. Dirk closed his eyes and rested his head on his forearm as Jake started up a conversation with Jane and eventually asked of she would help him with something.

He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice when they both left the table and the cafeteria all together. It wasn't until Roxy snapped in front of his face that he sat up straighter and looked around.

"Ey Durka Dirk. I don't buy your lunch food skit, what's bothering you? I mean if you want to say... Cause trust me I know Dirky that sometimes, you just don't want to let people know and that is A-okay." He slumped on the bench and attempted to recede from Roxy slightly. Eyes flicked around the room, anywhere but to Roxy's eyes. She was too clever for his and her own good.

"I'm just...not at one hundred percent today Rox. Actually I'm heading back to my room..." Dirk pushed himself up and stepped out from the bench before he grabbed his tray. The only goodbye he gave was a slight nod in Roxy's direction before he left to dump his tray of untouched food and pushed past the doors to exit the lunchroom all together.

Yes, he did feel bad for leaving Roxy alone at the table, but he needed to be alone for a bit without Cael or anyone else breathing down his neck. People were driving him nuts, but mostly he was driving himself nuts. Thoughts floated through his head like rampant viruses, infecting pieces of his mind with their negativity the longer he thought on things. He was completely unaware of where his feet were taking him as he just walked in any direction. Staying still was not an option, he had a feeling that if he stayed still something would get him and his hands twitched with the realization that he was unarmed. He was vulnerable, transparent. It felt as if he was naked in a crowd of strangers, all of them pointing fingers and laughing. Except it wasn't his body that was naked, it was his mind.

Eventually he gave up running with an exasperated sigh and sunk down to the floor again the wall. The closer he could get his knees to his face the better. The wall provided the perfect back support as he curled forward and hugged his knees to his chest. The lights hurt his eyes, even if he had gotten used to not having his shades. If he didn't see the thing following him, if he didn't see who was staring at his naked mind then he would be okay. He'd shut the world out, and disappear into himself.

At least here in the hallway it was quiet and he could try to think. He was good at thinking, always had been and always would be. That was one reason he liked machines so much, because when you're placing gears and soldering wires and placing parts, everything works. True you have to think about it and map it out, but you can think and work with your hands at the same time, and everything DID work. It wasn't a constant guessing game of which part wouldn't work. Which part was going to hurt and cease functioning today? There was always a logical reason why it did or did not work, no bullshit about chemical imbalances and being different.

His brain worked well when it was working with gears, or even just looking at schematics and blue prints. Right now? it was so confused and mixed up that he couldn't have even told someone the cardinal directions.

A sigh welled up in his chest and he calmly let it out through his mouth. What was he even doing here? He was wasting their time and money for all of these programs when he was just a broken record that could never be fixed. His machine was too broken to be repaired, and there was no sense to the parts of his mind like there were to the parts of a small toy or robot. He was broken, for good.

It was unclear for how long he sat there and contemplated his life choices and the reason he was there, but eventually footsteps approached his curled up form from down the hallway. Dirk did nothing as they neared closer except hunch in closer around himself. If he was small enough then the person, whomever they were, would just pass b; or so he had hoped.

He wasn't expecting the person to sit down next to him, especially not really close actually they sat down right next to him. He didn't want to look, he didn't want to see who was here to torture him next and he didn't want to force that person to talk to him or to even be around his sorry ass, he was a poor excuse for a broken human being.

"You know-"

Dirk startled at the sound of Jake's voice so close to him and his breath caught in his throat. A tempest of thoughts filled his head, conflicting between feeling elated but also mortified that Jake was talking to him when he was like this. The negative thoughts seemed to circulate even faster.

"I thought you might have been pulling a fast one when you said it was the cafeteria food mate." There was a long silent pause between the two of them before Dirk felt Jake shift uncomfortably next to him. He had an opportunity here, and yet he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to do much and he was wasting it.

A hand reached out and Dirk felt his world shift as the arm that wrapped around his shoulders pulled him over so that he could lean against Jake's shoulder. He thought his heart was going to stop as the air settled into silence and Jake shifted once more so that he could more comfortably hold Dirk against his side.

"You don't have to talk about it, or tell me anything. I probably wouldn't understand anyway, but if this helps then I'll be jovial in assisting you as such. Just nod your noggin if this is okay."

Dirk hesitated but he slowly nodded his head. Instead of holding onto his own knees he wrapped his arms around Jake's waist. Everything was out to get him, especially himself but like this, he felt safer. Calmer actually. The earlier storm of thoughts that had occupied his brain slowed down and Dirk actually found some peace of mind when he was like this. He was still a worthless piece of shit, but maybe Jake didn't think that of him. At least he didn't think that right now. Give him a few hours and undoubtedly Jake would be thinking that he was a total waste of space, since it was true, but that didn't matter right now. In this very moment, Jake cared and Jake was comforting him and it was helping.

As his mind calmed so did his breathing, and eventually he slipped into a dreamless sleep all together.


	10. I'd Like to Think we're Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this took way too long to write for how short it is but hey...im not dead!!! :D and the next chapter should be really good and i already have it started so look forward to that!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to keep writing! ^^ It helps a lot actually C:
> 
> And i apologize for any typos >n

His body swayed softly from side to side as he came back into awareness from his deep sleep. The fact that he was being moved and was still partially asleep was a testament to how little sleep he had been getting here. As routine as it was to be at the facility by now he hadn't realized that all of his restless nights were hurting him at all. He'd never been good at sleeping through the whole night but apparently it was worse here.

Slowly the alarm set in, and without opening his eyes he assessed the situation and found that someone was carrying him, in a cradle style hold, and they were walking slowly down one of the hallways of the facility. He was still wearing clothes, always a plus when being carried, and it seemed as if he wasn't in danger at all. Dirk allowed just a fraction of the tension in his body to leave him as he opened his eyes and stared up into a familiar face.

"Yo English."

Jake startled a bit at the sound of his voice and looked down with wide-eyes. Oh god he was cute when he was surprised. Mentally Dirk kicked himself for his own thoughts and took a moment to close his eyes and take a deep breath through his nose. He was not going to freak out over Jake English carrying him. That was dumb and would not be received well at all, so he composed himself before looking back up at Jake.

Those green eyes though.

"Dirk! I didn't know you'd woken up, golly." Jake smiled down at him and Dirk stared back as he felt his jaw go slack. Oh god he was so close to him and the voice and eyes and smell of him. So close.

....

No, no, nope nope nope nope NOPE! Dirk shifted in the mans arms before he grunted and looked at him.

"You can put me down. My legs aren't broken English." His smirk was as natural as it could be when internally he felt like tiny gnomes were hammering all of his organs in the hopes of mining some shred of rare self-esteem.

"Sure thing lad."

He was torn internally as his feet were set down on the ground and he slowly stood up. On one hand he was less likely to freak out or do something dumb on his feet, but at the same time he was now probably required to keep more distance from Jake. As he settled properly on the ground and recovered from the drowsiness of having fallen asleep in the hallway, Jake's eyes practically burned holes in him.

It had been a rough day to say the least. He'd woken up feeling like the worst possible creature that had ever come into existence and proceeded to completely butcher the day with a large chainsaw made of hardened play-dough. However, this was easy. When he stood here and talked to Jake like this it was easy and the teasing smirk that graced his lips was as uncomplicated as all of the other things.

"Are you starin' at me English?" even his taunts were coming easier, it was a miracle. Maybe he should be trying to get more sleep.

"What? No mate I'm just making sure you're feeling dapper. Gave me a real fright earlier." Jake actually seemed a bit bashful with his reply as he rubbed at the back of his neck and Dirk nodded before he rolled his shoulders backwards and forwards. He also tilted his head from side to side until his neck popped several times. As nice as it had been he had still slept in an awkward position.

"Hmn sorry about that I guess, not sure what happened." It was a lie of course. He knew exactly what had gone wrong, but with a slow turn on his heel he started walking down to his room and essentially forced the subject to drop.

It was no surprise that Jake started following him down the hallway, although Dirk couldn't seem to get his head to shut up about it. His brain was a hamster wheel and Jake's presence was like giving his already hyperactive Hamster brain a quadruple shot of espresso. In both a good and a bad way.

"I never realized our rooms were so distanced. I'm flabbergasted." He really did sound appalled and Dirk stopped in front of the door to his room and raised an eyebrow at the bespectacled man in front of him.

"Well English, they can't put everyone side by side you know. That would cause some serious spacial problems unless each room was inside of another room. Even then it'd be impossible." He pursed his lips and watched the confusion cloud over Jake's eyes as he tried to think about the situation he was describing.

"Well surely seems impossible. But you're one of my best mates and it's kind of disappointing to have to traverse dangerous hallway territory just to reach you for a chat." Dirk leaned back against his room door casually and let out a tiny chuckle.

"Dangerous hallway territory? You make it sound like we're in an Indiana Jones movie and I'm some heroin in distress you have to come rescue."

The way that English's cheeks colored a faint red had Dirk fighting his own embarrassment off. Too bad he was much better at controlling his expression than Jake was. However that didn't stop him from shifting his gaze elsewhere.

No not there.

Bad brain hamster.

Dirk promptly looked anywhere but at the other mans crotch where his gaze had instinctively just gone. Really of all the places he could have looked that should not have been one of them. Especially not when he was trying to control himself.

"You're not a heroin, more like an accomplice. A jolly good one at that. We could fight crime together Strider, get into fisticuffs with tyrannous villains." Jake made the shape of a gun with his thumb and forefinger and pointed it down the hallway before he swiveled and pointed it right at Dirks chest. "Bang!"

"How do you know I'd be a good guy?"

Jake paused and looked at him before he smiled that brilliantly wide smile and Dirk felt himself get prodded in the chest by the other mans finger.

"Don't be silly Dirk, of course you're a good guy. You're the misunderstood hero who means well but doesn't always get the approval and cheer he rightly deserves." Dirk hadn't noticed but Jake had stepped closer and they were less than a foot apart now with his back pinned to the door to his room. He was far too caught up in the other males words and he couldn't help but to snort in amusement before looking to the side.

"Misunderstood hero? Give me a break English if you keep making such great jokes my sides will split from all this laughter." The sarcasm dripped from his words as he eyed the other male calmly. Jake was practically unaffected as he just laughed.

"You're the funny one Dirk. A riot i say." Jake reached up and slid his fingers into Dirk's hair before he tousled it softly. "Some day i'll get you to believe me 'ol chap. Why don't you catch yourself some authentic sleep and I'll see you tomorrow."

Dirk remained stunned in place as Jake's fingers tousled his hair softly and then pulled away all together as he said his goodbyes and headed off down the hallway at a casual pace. Get some sleep, now? After what he'd just done to him? Dirk was positive that his hair was sticking up in every direction possible but he didn't care. He could still feel the males fingers running through his hair as he remained leaning against his door.

His eyes followed Jake as he walked down the hallway and traced a line down from the top of his head down the curve of his spine and over the shape of his ass...

Jake glanced back over his shoulder at him but Dirk figured that by the time the other boys' eyes had focused, he himself was already falling through the door into his own room in a very unceremonious fashion. The door clicked closed behind him and it might have been his imagination but he swore that he heard laugher from the hallway. At least he hoped it was his imagination.

Dirk wandered forward into the too tiny room and fell forward onto the bed and into the embrace of Cal. His face was pleasantly smashed up against the lumpy and flat pillow as all motion in the room stilled. The silence permeated all the corners of the room and the corners of his mind as well.

Eventually he drew in a deep breath and let it out in an aggravated sigh. The cool material of the pillow felt good against his hot face as he took a few deep breaths to calm himself and the torrent of his mind.

Jake English had been touching him. Jake English had talked and held him through a particularly bad anxiety attack. Jake English had carried him down the hallway while he was asleep.

Actually wait why had he been doing that?

Dirk sat up slowly as he grabbed Cal's arms and absently slapped the puppets hand repeatedly down onto the bed as he chewed on his bottom lip. Had Jake been planning on taking him back to...his room? They hadn't been specifically headed for Dirk's room after all.

He slumped forward and smushed his face into the bed as he growled in frustration.

"Are you fucking kidding me...Dirk Strider you idiot...I...What.."

The noise of frustration he let out was low pitched and resembled the sound of an upset cat as he remained with Cal partially hugged to his chest as his knees continued to support his butt and waist and yet his upper body remained flat against the bed. The position was awkward but he was too frustrated with himself to do anything about it or the fact that it put a twinge in his back.

Ass in the air, he contemplated why he'd bothered to actually let Jake know that he was awake. He could have been in Jake's room right now. Was it the same as his? Were all of the rooms this depressing and empty and....oddly grey colored? You'd think that they'd make facilities with more color to try and cheer up the depressed children. Well at least the walls were just white. it was the lighting that made them grey.

Or maybe it was him...

Slowly Dirk shifted and rolled over onto his back. He was squashing Cal's legs but couldn't really be bothered to do anything about it at the moment. His thoughts wouldn't shut up about what could have happened had he not been an idiot and woken up. Or been so freaked out that he was being carried in the first place. Didn't friends do that all the time for each other?

Hi immediate answer was no. No friends did not carry other friends bridal style down hallways while they were sleeping. Then again, maybe Jake did see it that way. The guy was pretty much incredibly oblivious and something like that might seem so trivial to him. With one simple thought Dirk felt all of his fantasies crumbling as a pressure settled upon his rib cage.

No. Had he imagined everything about it really meaning anything then? The crushing disappointment he was feeling right then was almost unbearable, and if not for the solid three knocks on his bedroom door he might have very quickly fallen into another anxiety attack right then and there.

Dirk froze where he was laying down before he took a deep breath, counted to ten in his head and sat up on the bed. There had been a very obvious knock on the door and he hesitated to answer it. What if it was Jake? Hope was restored instantly to his entire being; only to be crushed brutally by his following thoughts. What if it was the nurses? Or what if it was Cael?

His body shuddered involuntarily but he stood up anyway. There was another softer knock on the door before relief swept over him when he heard a familiar voice call out through the door. It was an unlocked door, they weren't allowed to have locked door here, but she still waited for him to answer.

"Dirk? Are you in there? It's Roxy."

Without much hesitation he slid to his feet and gently opened the door to be met with the expected sight of Roxy with her hand raised awkwardly half in-between knocking and what he assumed was pulling away.

"Sup Ro-Lal. What brings you to my humble abode; and by abode i mean small ass empty room."

That managed to get her to smile and his lips quirked up slightly in return. Something about being able to make Roxy smile made him happier, she felt like a little sister him except she was way cooler than him on so many levels he might as well be HER younger brother.

"Just checking up on you Dirky. I kinda ran into Jake and he said you hadn't been feeling too hot earlier this afternoon..." She trailed off at the end and his small smile disappeared before he nodded. He wasn't good at talking about things like this, or at expressing his gratttude but it meant a lot that she had bothered to stop by.

"Oh...Well I've never been better, thanks for checking up though... that uh....means a lot."

His reply was awkwardly timed and it couldn't have been more see-through unless words were physically made of glass. If that analogy even made sense. It was painfully clear that Roxy wasn't buying it and she looked determined, which was either a really good or really bad thing. He wasn't sure just yet.

"Dirk... You know I'd like to think that we're bro's now right? Or at least friends so I'm pretty diddly darn sure you can tell when I'm lying and you know that I know when you're lying to my face. So how about for...just a few minutes we both quit our bullshit and be honest? Kay?" Her gaze was hopeful and Dirk swallowed slowly before he drew a hand over his face and looked at the ground.

"Ro-Lal I'm not....I'm not very good at being honest."

Well that was a start. That was probably one of the most down to earth truthful things he'd ever said.

"That sounded pretty honest to me." She was smiling again. but he was only able to sigh and barely make eye contact with her for a second before he looked to the side again. Alright he could do this. This was Roxy, and who the hell was she going to tell?

"Look Dirky how about...I do the talking and when you feel ready you can chime in alright? Just no bullshit M'kay? Ill say whats on my mind and if you feel comfortable enough then you can say things too."

That sounded nice actually. He was pretty good at listening to people, at least he had been when Dave had had little problems and come to him with them. Although a middle schooler's problems seemed insignificant to the problems of most of the kids here. It was a place specifically designed for kids with problems after all.

"Alright. Do you just...want to sit in the hallway?" He motioned awkwardly to the wall since he had a feeling that inviting other patients, especially girls into his room was against some kind of magical rule they had here. The last thing he needed was a nurse confrontation. Roxy just nodded and moved to slide down against the wall until she could sit her butt down on the floor. With a less smooth motion Dirk followed suit and sat within a few inches of her and stared at the opposite wall.

And they talked.

Or well, Roxy talked a lot and Dirk would occasionally chime in with his opinion or agree with her thoughts on things. She started by telling him about her first day at the facility. How much she hated it and how shed been transported straight from a hospital because she'd almost killed her liver with alcohol poisoning. Roxy admitted to her problem right then and there in front of him and he listened. Slowly they moved onto other topics, about why she started drinking and how it had become easier to ignore her loneliness and her own problems by just being happy and drunk all the time.

It was painful to watch her tell her story and a few times she'd choked up a bit and had to pause and he would patiently wait for her to continue or reach out and awkwardly pat her on the head or shoulder and tell her it was okay. He wasn't very good at it, but he was trying and he liked hearing her story no matter how much it seemed to pull painfully at the very fiber of both their nature.

"So that's just how I'm here you know? I...I wanted to apologize for the other day. I wasn't feeling my best and then there was this supply of stuff that the woman running this place has. I think she has a problem too and I...found it unlocked and couldnt resist. I didn't mean for you to see it so I'm sorry about that DiStri." She picked at the hem of her skirt as he trailed off into silence. Roxy was apologizing to him and he didn't know how to respond. Suddenly though...He felt like talking.

"...I locked myself in my room for two and a half weeks."

Roxy startled a bit and looked up at him suddenly with wide eyes. He ignored her curious look and closed his eyes as he tried desperately to cling to the feeling of wanting to share this with someone. If he stopped now then it may never be shared.

"I...Well. Something happened at my high school. I cant remember much of it but I kind of...freaked out I guess and destroyed a classroom before running home. I destroyed some things at home too I guess. I didn't even take my car back which I now realize was pretty damn stupid of me but..." He was getting side tracked again so he brought a hand up and rubbed his forehead before he just pushed onward and tried to finish up as quickly as possible.

"Anyhow...I forgot to pick up my brother at school because I just ran home and locked myself in my room and I had an anxiety attack and it kept getting worse so I locked myself in my closet by jamming a chair under the door. I don't remember the last week very well but...I know they called the fire department or whatever to get me out after halfway through the third week and I had to be rushed to the hospital because I'd been passing out from a lack of food...I'd had a water bottle with me though so I didn't dehydrate too much. It's weird now to think that if I hadn't had that water bottle in there I could have died. I didn't even think about that at the time..."

He wrung his hands awkwardly and stared at the opposite hallway wall as he kept talking. Now it felt as if he couldn't shut up. Some wall that he'd built up somewhere in his life felt like it had fallen down, or the flood gates had at least been opened. He couldn't seem to stop talking and all this talking was slowly taking the form of one of his many long rants.

"It's scary you know....it feels like you can't move but you know you should. If you try to move though you know something bad is going to happen, or that you'll be seen and it'll all be over. When i locked myself up...I thought I was in a box and if...I moved outside of the box everything would be over. Everything would end and everything would be exposed and it sounds crazy. Well I mean it is crazy I guess, to feel that way over silly things but that's what happened. I'd been struggling with little mini attacks for a long time but I always got over them so I figured nothing was wrong and I didn't think to tell anyone ever...So I just kept having them again and again until it accumulated into something that bad I guess... It doesn't make sense. It's like why couldn't I just figure out how to deal with these little problems one at a time. Most people do it just fine and I don't know why it happens to me like this. I guess I'm just broken...which is fitting because in my free time I used to work on robotics and things. I like to fix broken mechanical things and yet I'm actually the real that that's broken and needs fixing...hah!"

He was getting a little hysterical at this point and Roxy was staring at him wide-eyed. Luckily she reached over and put a finger to his lips and he immediately ceased his never ending speech train. Shit he'd just kind of let everything out right there...wow. In a moment of horror Dirk pulled his knees into his chest and buried his face in his hands.

"Shit..."

"No no Dirky don't say that. It's okay...You've never talked about it before so it's okay. I think I understand you though and I'm glad you told me. Thank you." She smiled warmly at him and reached out to rub his back soothingly. He still couldn't bring himself to look at her but he felt better about ranting...at least she didn't seem to hate him.

"Thanks Ro-Lal." He mumbled his response and then cleared his throat. Everything felt awkward but surprisingly he felt slightly better. Everything didn't feel quite so strained anymore...it was as if he had actually managed to clear his head a little bit from all of the excess thoughts.

"Don't even worry 'bout it Di-Stri. I told you we're bros. Bro's before hoes!" She said it with gusto and winked at him as she gently dug his elbow into his side. It was playfully and he couldn't resist smirking slightly a her and raising an eyebrow.

"Bro's before hoe's? Who would be a hoe in this situation?"

Roxy giggled and leaned over before she whispered in his ear as if it was top secret knowledge.

"The witch doctor." She tilted her chin downwards and bounced her eyebrows a few times as she pulled away from him. It made her look as if she had a double chin and was probably the most ridiculous thing he'd ever seen her do.

Naturally he couldn't resist chuckling just slightly.

"Alright bro's before hoe's always."

"Hey you laughed a little bit! I don't think I've ever heard you laugh." her whole face seemed to light up with that realization and Dirk paused before he thought back to his time here. Had he ever really laughed in front of her? Definitely not openly and if anything if had probably been faked.

"I laugh a lot. I don't know what you're talking about."

She slammed her hand down onto the hallway floor and grinned at him.

"Bullshit! I call bullshit on that! You always have the same expression. I've never seen you just let it all out in a laugh before."

"Let it all out? Laughing isn't the same as getting dressed up for a night on the town in a hot cocktail dress Ro-Lal"

She snorted in amusement and shoved him sideways, which actually made him catch himself with his hand.

"How do you even know what its like to put on a hot cocktail dress?"

"I have my secret hobbies."

"Are you honestly telling me that you've put on a hot cocktail dress before?"

"Maybe."

"OH MY GOSH DIRK! No! get out of here!" She clutched her side as she laughed and Dirk had to bite his lip and look away as he felt his face heating up rapidly.

"In my defense it was a dare alright? Now this doesn't leave this...hallway alright?" He gave Roxy a serious look as she pulled herself together once again. He had never told anyone that before, the only people who knew were those that had been at that party and everyone had been sworn to secrecy. Especially since throughout the night even weirder shit had happened. He figured if it was about himself it was an exception to the secrecy rule.

"Fine fine...I swear it wont leave this all space. Here pinky promise."

Roxy turned to face him and held her hand out, pinky extended, for him to shake on. Dirk thought it a little childish but he obliged and hooked his right pinky against hers and they shook on it.

"There. Now no telling anyone, especially English."

"Ooo, why not Jakey huh? Afraid he'll get all hot if he thinks about you in that hot cocktail dress?"

Dirk swore he must have turned redder than the color of that cocktail dress right then as he coughed to try and hide his own embarrassment.

"No, there's no way that would happen. More like he'll get freaked out and never want to talk to me again. I would be avoided more than the boy avoids all foods that are pumpkin related."

"Somehow I doubt that."

Dirk ignored the way she was looking at him and tried to keep the corners of his mouth from curling up into a smile. If he looked at her now, he knew that he'd get hopefully all over again and that never ended well for his heart.

Their pointless banter continued for a bit before a nurse headed down the hallway and scolded Roxy for being out of her room without permission. As far as scoldings went though it was relaxed and it was more of a suggestion that she head back to her room as soon as possible. With that their conversation had ended and Roxy got up with a wave before heading down the hallway and turning a corner.

Not long after, Dirk stood up himself and went back into his own room.

It might have been his imagination, but to him the walls looked a little less grey.


	11. Anxiety Attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief warning that there is some SMUT at the end of this chapter. It's not hardcore or anything and... well I guess you'll see but this is a mild warning about it!
> 
> Also thank you all so much for the encouraging comments <3\. I apologize for the delay on chapters! ^^'

He'd made it.

The three month mark.

Three months he'd been in this facility. Somehow he'd made friends, wonderful friends, and he hadn't been suffering every damn day. It wasn't that he wanted to be here, or that he liked being here. No it was still terrible being admitted in this place and having to stay on someone else's schedule without the comfort of colors or posters on the wall. It was the little things about the place that still made him nervous, still made him twitch and flinch from time to time.

There were nurses, kind nurses all the same, but they stood around the edges of large rooms and walked the hallways like vultures looking for some kind of meat scrap to pick up. Although they were all very nice people that was just the feeling he recieved from their watchful gazes. It was too clean, the walls were too empty, the floors were too shiny and everything was muted in color. Those little things he now realized...made all the difference between here and home. He missed the one bright orange wall in his room that used to be like an indoor sunset to him. He missed his own bed with the black sheets and his my little pony pillowcase. He missed his shades, he missed his phone. But what he really missed...what made the biggest difference between here and home...

He missed Dave.

Dirk missed hearing his little brother wake up ten minutes after he did in the morning. He missed the questions about what robotics were and how it worked. He missed hearing the little dude play with his synthesizer and make some sick beats. Strifes, helping him with homework, rushing him out the door with just a piece of toast and joking about being late for anime school.

He missed him.

Somehow in group they'd made their topic of conversation about things they missed, or regretted or wished they could have again as soon as they were out.

Dirk had somehow ended up sitting next to Jake and he tried not to think about the fact that Jake's knee was totally pressed against his thigh. It was hard not to think about it but somehow he managed to do a decent job. To his right was Roxy and on her right was Callie. Cael was thankfully sitting next to Dr. Rose and that kept him somewhat out of trouble at least. His snide comments were a constant thing everyone had to deal with regardless of where he sat.

As with all torturous group sessions they were going around and each person had to share how they felt or what they missed. Many kids had said things as simple as ice cream and Dirk kind of had to agree. He really fucking missed ice cream too, and pancakes. All things you didn't realize you took for granted until you were stuck with cafeteria grade food for three meals a day. He'd chimed in, saying that he just missed good food in general and the others laughed a bit. Some looked a little green at the prospect of lunch in a few hours when reminded.

"Jake, what is it you miss? Or wish you could have once you're out." Rose had her clipboard as always but he was fairly certain that it was full of more wizard doodles than actual notes. During one of their sessions he had managed a peek at her paper and it had indeed been full of wizard drawings, which she quickly explained had to do with her inability to focus perfectly. He hadn't bought it, really she must have an affinity for Wizards or something. Hell if he knew.

"Something I miss eh?" Jake reached up and smoothed his fingers over his jaw as if he was supposed to have some kind of stubble there and promptly tapped his chin as he thought. Dirk was metaphorically on the edge of his seat as he waited for what answer the other boy would give. It wasn't a completely boring discussion topic for once, and he was honestly curious about Jake, as per usual.

"I probably miss my gran the most. She was a hardy woman and I haven't be able to apologize for the rotten things I did as a small tike." He shrugged and a grin stretched across his face and touched his eyes. It was clear that his grandmother was someone special to him, but the way he talked about her made it sound as if she was gone for good. Dirk hesitated in asking about her, it didn't feel like the right time to breach such a subject with his friend. Plus it was his turn next, which brought about a sense of impending doom in his mind. 

Rose nodded to Jake as several people chuckled at his response or shifted uncomfortable. Roxy smiled with a touch of sadness and adjusted her pink skirt a bit. Dr. Rose's eyes slowly shifted over to him and Dirk paled, making his freckles stand out even more than previously. The knee that was pressing into his thigh shifted slightly as Jake turned to face him and the entire room followed suit.

Shit.

"Dirk? Would you like to share with us the person, thing, or activity that you miss the most?" He met her gaze and watched her smirked ever so slightly. Of course she knew what he was going to say, the more he talked to her the more it seemed like she new everything he was going to do before he even knew it. God, he admired that trait though. Their sessions had turned more into battles of wit rather than psychoanalysis. 

"Well, if I had to pick one thing then..." He trailed off and nervously popped his knuckles and wet his bottom lip with his tongue. Stubbornly he ignored the cold and interested gaze he felt from the seat next to Rose. That son of a bitch could fall off a cliff for all he cared about his opinion but...it was aggravating. 

"Yes?" Rose prompted him with a gentle nod. With a sigh he leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms and said it out loud. 

"I miss my little bro."

....

Well that wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be.

"Wow!....The great Dirk missing his little brother. How sweet?!" He laughed loudly at the blonde and it echoed in the small room.

Or maybe not. Dirk's fists clenched. Maybe it was going to be worse than he'd imagined. Immediately he felt the need to go hide, to run and go hide somewhere far away. Fear crawled up the back of his throat and made itself known in the form of nausea . He hadn't realized that he had actually started to rise from his seat subconsciously until a hand gripped his arm and calmly eased him back down. It was Jake's hand that was gripping his arm, if that wasn't a lifeline miracle then he didn't know what was.

"Lay off Cael! Just because you don't have anyone that wants YOU around." Roxy was as quick as always to his defense, although she received a glare in response from both Cael and Rose.

"Roxy that was uncalled for, as for you..." She turned her glare on Cael and he snorted in disinterested before he sunk back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest with a huff.

"Whatever..."

"This is a confidential time to share, respect that Cael." She tapped her clipboard with a pen before turning her attention back to Dirk. He watched her pen in a mesmerized way but his thoughts were elsewhere.

Why wasn't Jake letting go of his arm?

Maybe it was because he still felt like bolting out of the room and Jake noticed but there was definitely still a hand on his arm and a thigh pressed against his. Silently Dirk slipped into his own mind as he was overwhelmed with thoughts both hopeful and degrading. They swarmed around him like bee's nearing their hive, ready to sting him where it hurt most just to watch him suffer.

"Dirk? Is that all you wanted to share? I'm curious about your brother, are you close?" He was pulled from his own head as Rose spoke to him and he ended up shifting nervously. The hand on his arm squeezed slightly in what he hoped, assumed? Was a reassuring manner. Now he knew that it had not been left there accidentally. 

"Uh...He..." Shit he couldn't think, and he certainly couldn't SPEAK in this state. Between Cael's stare and Jake's hand and everyone was looking at him. Words were suddenly an enigma to him.

How many pairs of eyes was that? Two per person, and it felt like there for over fifty people in the room. One hundred eyes all on his, waiting for him to speak. He felt ill.

He was going to have an anxiety attack. Three months in and he had been doing well, but it was all for naught it seemed. Of course he'd fuck it up now, that was just like him. The thoughts in his head stung him repeatedly. Of course this would happen.

"You know, we're cool." Wow lame response, good one Dirk. 

His neck felt clammy and his palms started to sweat and itch. his shoes were too tight and the air in the room was far too thin for him to breathe. Was he breathing? He couldn't tell, his body felt numb but outwardly, besides the clenching of his hands and the occasional twitch of his shoulders, he was the epitome of calm and collected. Unless you looked at his wide terrified orange eyes. This is why he needed his shades back.

"You know what I miss? I really miss video games and computers. I tell you I used to wipe the floor with geeks that played Call of Duty and Halo." Roxy spoke up suddenly beside him and the attention shifted to her. She commanded the room with her smug words as several kids raised eyebrows.

Finally, he could breathe.

"You play video games? What kind of girl plays video games?" Seth spoke up from his seat next to Aradia and seemed to be leaning forward in his chair with a challenging smirk on his face.

"Uh, this girl does and she could kick your ass any day, at any game." Roxy smirked right back at him before she addressed the room. "Come on, who else used to play video games hm? Raise your hands." She waved her hands at the group and slowly hands went up. A shocker to the group was that Tav raised his hand along with many of the other kids. Dirk reluctantly half put his hand up, he'd played a few games growing up.

Kurk had leaned over in his chair and whispered silently to Kani from where they sat and it wasn't long before Kani had opened his mouth to speak.

"You know Seth, it is rather rude to assume that just because Roxy here is female, since that is how she identifies and is to also be respected, that she cannot play video games well. In fact it is quite sexist of you and offensive to those of us that support feminist causes no matter how strange some of them might be and also to the females in this group right now. I'd also like to bring to your attention-" He was cut off when Kurk leaned over and kissed his cheek before pressing a finger to his lips. Kani went a shade of red that Dirk swore was too dark to be safe and promptly shut up.

"Ugh Nobody cares Kani" Cael groaned audibly from his seat and visibly ground his teeth together. He was mostly ignored by the room. Gamzee laughed from where he sat but it sounded off and honestly terrifying. Dirk still wasn't sure about that kid.

There were more whispered words exchanged between the two before Kani nodded and Apologized quietly to the taller male. Dirk continued to watch their nearly silent exchange as the room moved on and Roxy and Seth continued to brag about their high scores in certain games that were popular back when they played.

Kurk eventually met his gaze when he caught him staring and waggled his fingers at him in an eerie wave. Dirk immediately sat up straighter and looked back at the middle of the circle. He hadn't meant to be staring but, he was kind of jealous of what they had. Kurk took comfort in Kani's words apparently and also helped him to realize when the sweater clad male was talking too much, while Kani would just as easily defend Kurk if someone was yelling or being harsh to him. It was something sweet in this room full of terror.

He'd wanted to share a story about Dave, about when he'd taken him to the park as a little dude and pushed him on the swings. Dave had repeatedly refused his help and insisted that he could swing by himself until he eventually gave up and asked to be pushed. By the end of their visit he'd had it down on how to pump his legs himself and get higher on the swings. It had been a proud moment for Dirk, but a bittersweet one.

It was the first time he'd considered the fact that Dave wouldn't need him forever, and that was a little sad. He'd done his best to try and be a good brother to him, and then he'd landed himself here. Yeah he'd really fucked up.

Everyone in the room continued to share their thoughts on video games and things they missed and Dirk remained out of it. His thoughts circled around how his being here meant that there were certain repercussions his brother would naturally go through. If anyone in the little bro's school found out that his big brother was in a mental ward, he'd be mocked. It was hard to fend off his dark thoughts when they were about how he'd screwed his own little brother over.

\------------------------------------

Group couldn't have ended soon enough for Dirk. Jake turned to him as he practically shot out of his chair and all attempts the dark-haired teen tried to make at conversation were lost on him; Dirk fled from the room. He felt bad about it, but he needed to get the hell out of there and away from the thoughts of things he missed back at home and people he wished he could have helped instead of hurt.

Wrapped up in his own thoughts he failed to hear the footsteps that followed him down the hallway. Dirk became very aware of them when they were right behind him as he turned a corner. Too quickly his shoulder had been grabbed and he found himself pinned to the slick, too-clean walls of the facility hallway.

"What the fuck?!" He yelled at the person who had him before he too late realized who it was. Cael leered back at him from where he had his forearm pushed into Dirk's chest right below his throat, effectively pinning him to the wall in an animalistic display of dominance.

"Do you really miss your brother that much blondie?" The man sneered at him with his words and Dirk felt bile rise in his throat again. Of course he would take the opportunity to torment him when he'd revealed even a little bit of his inner thoughts. Dirk struggled for control of himself as his hands closed into fists. Why did this have to happen now? Of all the times Cael could have picked to ambush him in the hallways again it was when he felt the most vulnerable. This feeling, it hadn't crept up on him for a long time and now Dirk felt like he was drowning in it.

"Fuck off Cael!" He couldn't even form full coherent sentences he was so agitated and confused.

"No Strider. I want to play a game, but SOMEONE won't play along." The sounds of more people leaving the group room and heading down the hallway caught their attention and Dirk planned to use that as his escape route.

"Hah, better let me go before they see. Wouldn't want to land your sorry ass back in a cage for a week." There was a brief pause as pure rage settled over the other male's face. Dirk didn't care if he hit a sore spot, he wanted it to hurt. God but he was sick and tired of Cael trying to corner him and get hell knows what out of him. He was cracking but so was Cael. Dirk glared right back at the clearly pissed off male.

And then he was flying.

Not literally, but it certainly felt like it as his shirt was gripped and he was drug, whole body, down the length of the hallway and thrown stumbling around another corner into a wall. He naturally assessed where the heck they were and found that Cael had drug him to a short hallway that led only to an emergency exit door that was always locked and a storage closet.

No one would come down this way unless they were a staff member in need of cleaning supplies.

"You sure talk a lot for being such a prick!" Cael snarled at him as he approached. All muscle, anger and bald and Dirk reacted without thinking. He was freaking the fuck out. People had limits, and Dirk had just reached his.

His punch was well aimed and would have been a solid right hook had Cael not caught it and thrown him back against the wall with a tight grip on his wrist. Oh god he'd fucked up and badly.

For those of you that have never had the air physically knocked out of you before; It hurts and it is terrifying. One moment you're breathing, and the next you just can't and you're gasping for air but your lungs are too shocked to much of anything for a few moments. 

Dirk gasped for air and flinched as the hand that wasn't holding him in place grabbed his jaw roughly. He was not okay with this. This...was too similar to what had happened. 

The hands pinning him to a wall, the gaze looking heatedly at him. This wasn't right, he needed to scream. He was sorry, he didn't mean to piss him off, that was just how he dealt with feelings. Why wouldn't he believe him that he was so sorry and that he didn't want to hurt him, he just couldn't commit to a relationship. He was scared. Terrified.

Dirk was brought forcefully back to the present by the grating sound of Cael's voice as it shot through his eardrums like angry thunder. Right, he was in the hallway of the facility. Not the school. Shit he needed to pull himself together. it felt futile, like pulling at the frayed strings of a puppet and trying to pull the seem closed once again. It was had to fix a seem that was being forced wide open.

"You piss me off Strider! The way you walk around like you own the fucking place and you don't do shit and everyone is all fucking over you! Pisses me off how fucking obvious you are with that stupid fucking slut English."

Oh god.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. That one word became a mantra in his head as Dirk cringed and tried to make himself small. He didn't want to do this, he didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be noticed.

What did this have to do with English?

He was so sorry, he'd never meant to hurt anyone. Fear gripped him as Dirk watched Cael lean closer to him.

When a far too rough mouth with chapped lips that bruised pushed against his own; he saw red. It was hard to remember exactly how he did it. One minute he was being forcefully kissed against his will by the most degrading and despicable human he had ever met, and the next he had nearly bitten clean through the man's lip and had kicked him hard enough to send him crashing into the other wall.

His muscles burned and he tasted blood on his tongue through swollen lips. It wasn't his own blood, that much he knew before his brain was once again scattered. The man on the floor wasn't bald, no. He had light brown hair. He was popular at school wasn't he? Dirk didn't know. The hallways between school and the hospital blurred in his head as what was left of his carefully sewn up seam was blow wide open. His hands shook.

Next thing he knew he had Cael's shirt in his grasp and he threw him. Face first. Into the wall. His leg flew into the male's side and there was a crunch that could not be pleasant. Everything was red and he was terrified. Everything was wrong and the world felt as if gravity has shifted and he wasn't even running on the ground. The man he was hitting was bald and laughing. No he was lean and brunette. No he wasn't he was bald and horrible. 

The room lurched around him sickeningly and Dirk's feet moved rapidly against the unsteady hallway floor. Where was he going, was he running?

He was definitely running, skidding down the hallways as he roughly pushed past the other kids in the facility. One of the girls (what was her name again?) screamed as she saw him and from where he came from. He didn't look back to check the damage he had done. It was just like last time...He lost it. Things were broken. No not things...People were broken and bleeding and it was his fault. Oh god. His HANDS were red again.

Dirk stumbled nearly blindly past the few people who remained in the hallways. He reached his door miraculously and desperately grabbed a chair that was sitting in the hallway. Panicked he did the only thing he knew how to do.

He went into his room, slammed the door shut and jammed the chair impossibly tightly under the door handle.

The floor quickly became his only comfort as he pressed the cooled surface against his rough stubbly cheek. It felt so good. Cold on his hot clammy skin. Dirk knew what was coming, long before it showed. How many times had it already happened? 

Frozen was the best way to describe it. All of his muscles just locked up at once as breathing became something he had to think about and the more he thought about it the faster he took them in and let them out. Hyperventilation it was called, and his brain surged into overdrive coming up with the definition of the word as well as the phonetic spelling and proper uses in sentences.

If he moved he would surely die. Moving was out of the question as terror gripped him and he stared blankly at the chair shoved up under his door. 

Except it wasn't the door of the facility anymore. It was his closet door with his parents banging on it from the other side. It was the small space at home where he'd stared at the same spot for hours, no, days until he couldn't see anything anymore and it felt like his eyes has dried up completely. It was the terror of realizing that he had ruined his own chances at happiness, that the guy he'd had a fling with had wanted to get serious and he'd flipped his shit.

It was all of his failing's amassed into one horrible creature that stared back at him like the deepest pits of hell. If he moved, he was dead.

So he didn't move, and after awhile he didn't breathe either.

............................................................................................

It was only when he regained consciousness a few minutes later, sprawled on the floor with his back slumped against the far wall his gaze fixed on the door as he blinked away the blurry lines of reality, that he fully started to understand his situation. Where was he? This wasn't his closet or his bedroom...it was too grey. 

Dirk regained himself and managed to slowly sort out his confused state of mind. He wasn't at home...he was at the facility and he'd had a particularly bad anxiety attack. He wasn't at home, he hadn't been at school, he'd been at the facility for months. That didn't change the fact that he had busted up Cael in the hallway. 

He promptly felt sick at the reminder of why he'd had an anxiety attack and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Fuck...Ugh. Shit, what did you do." He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to pull his scattered mind together while he dry heaved. Three months, if he remembered correctly. He wasn't allowed to fall apart now. That was halfway. If he fell apart now...who knew how long he'd be here? Dirk swallowed back the bile in his throat and sniffled back his stubbornly un-shed tears. He was alright...the attack as over right?

He'd made it through countless of them and been fine afterwards. This was just one of those...what did they call them? Relapses or whatever. He was having a relapse of some kind.

Except he didn't think that you could relapse with something that wasn't substance abuse. It just meant that his problems had never really been fixed to begin with. Hell, it had probably gotten worse.

In a fit of frustration he turned and punched the wall behind him only to hiss at the pain and the loud smack sound it made. What the fuck was wrong with him. With a deep breath he forced himself to un-tense his legs enough to straighten them out in front of him. They practically screamed in protest at the shift in position. Oh well, they would have to move eventually it was just a part of the process of coming out of one of the attacks.

There was a knock on the door.

All his efforts went to hell as his body tensed from head to toe and he curled in tighter on himself. Oh god, whoever it was please just go away.

Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away.

"Dirk? Chap I don't have any plans of going anywhere. Apologies."

Dirk flinched as he realized he'd been saying that out loud. He also stared intently at the door as realization that Jake was sitting on the other side dawned on him. Should he open it? Moving was still a challenge but, it was Jake. Someone he was pretty sure he could trust, someone he admired and... oh god to see him in this state.

Slowly, despite his thoughts, he crawled across the floor and sat with his back against the door, next to the chair that was firmly jammed under the nob.

"They had to take Cael to the infirmary. They're mostly jibber jabbered about him right now but I'm guessing they will be pretty cheesed when they know you locked your door somehow." Dirk leaned his head back against the door and let out a shaky breath. He'd already spoken out loud on accident so Jake knew he was in here. Was it futile to try and keep the other man out of the room? He felt that letting Jake in now...was taking a big step. Letting anyone in...he'd never been good at it.

"Dirk. Mate, i know you're there. In fact I'd take a gander that you're sitting right next to the door, aren't you?" Dirk groaned and hit his head against the rough wood in a silent acknowledgment of the situation. Talking still seemed like an impossibility.

"Let me in. Dirk, it's either me or the doctor in a few minutes."

That made him sit up straighter. He did not want to talk to her, or anyone really, but especially not her right now. That would be like signing his death sentence here and dooming him to a life time of being in the crazy house. Fuck that.

Reluctantly Dirk stood up and grabbed the chair. With a rough yank he managed to pull it out from under the door handle. In the process the door handle nearly fell off the door and hung on crookedly. Shit, he hadn't meant to break it. The again he hadn't really meant to do anything other than disappear and curl into a ball.

Slowly the door swung open and Dir set the chair down and stared at the ground. He didn't want to see the look of disappointment that was sure to grace the other boys features. He'd fallen apart, at a place where he was supposed to get better, and let everyone down once again. Shit, he couldn't do anything right.

"Sup?" his voice came out cracked and raw and he grimaced at it. It sounded like he'd given a blow job to a stick covered in sandpaper.

"'Ello chap."

Something about how casually he said it, made Dirk look up at the other male. There was no disappointment in the male's look, just concern and something else he couldn't identify right then. In the next instance he was pulled into a tight embrace and god he practically melted into it. That sounded lame, but he did kind of fall into it like his bones stopped working. Or maybe Jake had pulled him, he didn't really know. After all he was having trouble sorting out the past from the present at the moment. Whatever was physically happening around him was still unprocessed.

Slowly, at least it seemed slow, Jake closed the door and gently guided him over to the bed before sitting them down. Dirk was too busy clinging to him as if his life depended on it and hiding his face in his shoulder as he shook.

"Sweet Theresa, if I'd known you were this buggered I would have busted down the door ages ago!" Dirk almost smiled at the male's accent and strange words.

"Can you e-even bust down a door?" He wanted his voice to come out stronger, but it wasn't exactly doing what he told it to at the moment. 

"Well I could certainly try couldn't I?" Jake sounded just slightly offended and Dirk took comfort in how real Jake was. Unknown to the other man, his very presence was once again helping him ground himself. Just like in the hallway his thoughts didn't stop completely but they did calm down. His breathing came easier and everything just became easier, it really did.

Jake wrapped his arms firmly around him and Dirk didn't even care how obvious he was being as he snuggled closer and even had the audacity to nuzzle the other male's neck.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Dirk thought about it and played with the idea in his head for a moment before he shook his head.

"Not yet..." If he talked about it now, then he felt that the peace he had momentarily achieved would be lost and he really needed this right now. This sanctity that had been absent from his life for so many years. This calmness this...friendship? Companionship? He didn't know how to describe it. It was terrifying and soothing all in one.

"Alrighty then." Dirk stiffened when Jake suddenly shifted them so that he could lay back on the mattress and pull Dirk down with him. He didn't adjust his hug at all and held him close as they became horizontal together. Dirk was thankful that his face was buried in the boy's collarbones rather than face to face, he couldn't handle face to face at the moment.

As it was, he was fighting back the rising heat in his cheeks as he shifted closer to Jake on the bed. Okay...this was a good thing. He did his best to remember that and to focus on the fact that Jake was willingly cuddling him, even though he had broken out in a cold sweat earlier and he probably looked like total shit. That meant a lot and when he focused on that it didn't seem so bad. 

In fact it didn't seem bad at all.

"We'll talk when you're ready..."

Dirk didn't know if he'd ever be ready. Opening up to Roxy had been hard enough as it was, but he didn't have to think about that now. If Jake said that he had to be ready then it wasn't an issue now. Now was just relishing in the physical comfort that he was being offered. He didn't feel perfect or one hundred percent, he never had.

But he felt better and that was a start.

"Can you distract me? Please?" God he didn't know what he was asking for, it was so irrational. 

Jake seemed to catch on immediately and he winced when he felt him tense up next to him. Had that been too much to ask? What was he even asking for, he didn't know anymore. Jake shifted and let him go, and Dirk felt his chest grow heavy with dread. He'd fucked up and now Jake was leaving...he was leaving him.

Dirk was still too deep in his own anxiety to notice that Jake was standing on the bed and fiddling with the camera that rested in the corner of the room. He didn't see him disconnect a wire in the camera smoothly and with practiced ease, he didn't question it, he only fretted about the fact that Jake had pulled away from him. Clearly he now hated him, oh god what had he done.

"I-I''m sorry..." He was pitiful in this state; Shaking, confused, disoriented and in general needy. Most of his self hatred, he knew, came from the fact that he always remembered how pathetic he was in this state and he was pathetic. Desperate for attention from a boy he barely knew. Clinging to everything and everyone around him. Deep inside he was disgusted with himself.

When Jake returned to his side and gently cupped the back of his neck with practiced ease he thought he had passed out again and that this was very clearly a lucid dream. He'd thought Jake had left for good but he was wrong. Instead, he was being pulled closer and then he was being coaxed into a kiss. 

It wasn't anything like what Cael had done, it was tender, it was soft, but it was also desperate. Was he taking him up on his offer to distract him? Dirk was still out of it but he clung to the distraction and the small spark of heat he felt with everything he had. It seemed fitting, that in this fucked up facility he was finding comfort in kissing someone while he was half lucid.

Clothes were shed hastily but not roughly. Impossibly beautiful hands caressed his skin from his ankles all the way to his tousled hair. In his state he knew he was making it out to be better than it probably was. What felt like Nirvana was just a hand stroking his length smoothly and in a constant motion, but god did this fake Nirvana feel incredible.

Their breaths mingled in the space between them as what should have been painful, with as little preparation as Jake's fingers had given him, was instead perceived as nothing but numbness. The pleasure built slowly between them with each thrust and Dirk covered his mouth with the back of his hand to muffle his soft sounds. It was little more than a distraction though. He wasn't right in the head and he knew he might regret it later, at least his brain told him that Jake would definitely regret it. 

The Jake that was staring down at him with flushed cheeks while groaning softly seemed different from the Jake he'd come to know, but as a familiar spot deep inside him was struck Dirk didn't care. He felt good and heat coiled tightly in his belly as he moved in time with the other male's thrusts.

He came first, the sharp stab of pleasure burned into his memory with an intensity he would have rather forgotten. Jake followed shortly after, groaning his name and seeming far away as his eyes glazed over with the pleasure. 

It wasn't how he'd imagined it, it probably never would have been how he'd imagined it, but it felt good and it took his mind off of where he was, both mentally and physically for at least a short time. He'd have to remember to thank Jake for that later, but at the moment the chemicals his brain had released with his climax were making him drowsy and they were also finally calming him down.

A pleasant numbness flooded his previously tense limbs as the last of the anxiety faded and he lay draped in the arms of a friend he'd barely known for three months. Fingers were stroking softly at his hair and he closed his eyes with a gentle hum of gratitude.

"Better?" Dirk nodded slowly but kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to look, he didn't want to return to reality just yet. Reality was a bitch and he didn't want to face the encroaching terrors of the world.

Slowly he was forced to open his eyes as he contemplated where they were and what he'd done. The inevitability of getting a visit from Doctor Rose was weighing down on him heavily and if they were found together naked and tangled under the sheets, he could only imagine what consequences they would be given.

Solitary did not sound fun, but after what he did to Cael, Dirk had a strong suspicion that he was about to find out exactly what it was like.

"I should go...before anyone finds us." 

"Yeah..."

Just like that he let Jake slip from the sheets and through his fingers like smoke. He didn't move as clothes were pulled on and he heard the sound of pants being zipped up and clothing adjusted.

One chaste kiss on the forehead later and he was left with nothing but his still warm sheets of his bed and his hammering heartbeat. His head was clear, his body was sticky and the reality of his situation set in.

He'd lost his shit again. Seriously injured Cael in the hallway after group therapy. Freaked out in his room and then he'd fucked Jake.

It set in slowly and then all at once and he was in motion once again.

Despite his reluctance, he had to own up to what he had done, at least the not so personal parts, and he had to face himself in the mirror somehow. Emotion swelled up inside him and he slipped from the sheets, put on his clothes, grabbed a clean pair and left his room. The chair was placed neatly back into the deathly silent hallway as he walked calmly towards the showers and bathrooms.

It was empty; Luckily, because once he was safely under the hot spray of water, he cried. 

He cried hard and it had never felt so good before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I have been working on this chapter for quite awhile, mostly because I had no idea where I wanted to go with it for the longest time.
> 
> Then I decided that I wanted to throw a bunch of really horrible main plots into it and this happened. This story is kind of depressing me right now to be honest...but I'm also really in love with the struggle of it.
> 
> Note: it gets worse before it gets better but I mean come on what were you expecting when picking a mental institution AU fic huh? Well anyhow please enjoy and I have a 10 hours flight to England that I'm going to get a lot of writing done on so yay for that! ^^


	12. Solitary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay so this story was on hold for awhile for many different reasons. At first it was because I wanted to finish the other story I had in progress because I was on the final two chapters and then...College happened and i had a half finished piece of writing just sitting on my laptop.
> 
> So i apologize for the huge five month delay in this update. I don't plan to abandon this story, but it might take me awhile to find my pace again with writing Dirk's POV. (More on this at the end)  
> The recent updates broke my heart and actually encouraged me to finish this little chapter up and post it. So enjoy!

Showers are usually supposed to be relaxing, with warm water that flows over your body and relaxes all of the tension in your muscles and bones. If only that had been the case. Dirk didn't want hot and relaxing. He wanted freezing cold, lip biting, ice sharp water to beat down on him with the force of a hurricane rainstorm.

He wanted his cries to be drowned out by the very water that threatened to fill his lungs every time he tilted his head back with his mouth gasping open for a little bit more oxygen to keep him alive.

By the time the torrent of water ceased beating down on him from above and his slick and shaking hand grasped the handle with its cold and water-stained surface, he had calmed down.

His ears picked up only the echoing sound of the water droplets falling from his naked body and hitting the cold tile floor. His mind felt heavy and confused but his chest felt lighter, as if something had been forcibly pulled from him.

Dirk had heard before that crying was actually a release of emotion and chemicals in the brain that could make you feel better, that it would make things easier. Somehow he'd never been able to do it. Not at funerals, sad movies or anything that was supposed to pull the illusive wetness from his eyes.

He'd gone years without crying and it had all built up in his chest. Layers upon layers of emotional shit just piled one day on top of another, year after year.

And now it was gone. Down the drain with his shaken sobs, hitched breathing and ice cold shower tinged with his and Jake English's sweat and essence.

His chest felt lighter but his mind was weighed down by the world. It always had been.

Dirk took a shuddering breath through his nose and slowly exhaled onto the cold slick tiles in front of him. His eyes stung from the liquid release of raw emotion but he'd calmed down enough, and with a resigned sigh he pushed himself away from the wall that had been his companion for the last fifteen or so minutes.

There were only so many minutes to spend in the shower before an alarm would go off and they would send people in to check on him. In this place, people were desperate and right now he honestly didn't blame them. Dirk had never struggled with feeling suicidal, he was too chicken and too attached to life to consider giving up. Not to mention stubborn as well. In that moment he could sympathize with those people, being at rock bottom was not a pleasant experience.

His towel was easy enough to find and there was little mental comfort gleaned from wrapping it around his shoulder tightly. Even burying his face in it before he dried himself off and wrapped it around his waist did little to stop his shaking.

Unaware of his surroundings and pulled too deeply into his own thoughts as he approached the two dirty mirrors above the row of sinks; Dirk was nearly scared shitless when his eyes met two dark ones in the mirror.

"Fucking hell!" He cursed and jumped around to brace himself against the sink as he stared back at the tall silent figure that was standing calmly with his fingers laced together. The very essence of calm, silent and collected stood in front of him on the other side of the bathroom. It wasn't hard to imagine how he'd totally missed the figure. Despite his incredible height, Kurk was actually difficult to notice at times. Dirk had completely missed him and now he was pinned with his back against the sink as he stared at the silent kid with wide terror stricken eyes.

"Shit....You scared me Kurk." He drew a hand over his face as he stood up and took a deep breath. Thoughts raced through his head about exactly how long the other male had been standing there and why he was even standing there in the first place. Not to mention Dirk was still only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist and it did little to hide his shaking body and the small dark marks that littered his neck and chest.

The saliva in his mouth was difficult to swallow as he eyed the other man warily as he just, stared at him. He wasn't doing anything but staring at him with this...sympathetic and almost sad expression. Dirk couldn't handle it as he looked away sharply and turned to face the mirror again. What did he even want? Why was he here? Panic flooded his system as he felt transparent under the tall males soft but unyielding gaze.

"Can I help you?"

He saw him shake his head in the reflection and decided to focus on running his fingers through his hair to un-tangle it and push it away from his face. That stare was unyielding and it sent shivers down his spine that set permanently into his bones.

He knew.

Somehow the silent man standing behind him, staring at him knew everything about what had just happened. He knew his deepest darkest thoughts and fears and Dirk was terrified standing there....

"Kurk? Oh you were in here." A familiar and slightly annoying voice entered the bathroom and Dirk had never been more happy to hear another voice in his entire life. A quick glance in the mirror confirmed that Kani had just entered the bathroom. Another look left him confused and even more unnerved. Kurk's demeanor had completely changed. He was smiling and looked as at ease and as he did every day.

"Oh Dirk you're in here too. Hello." He gave a small wave before turning back to the much taller male and took his hand gently in his own. "Kurk it's not polite to stand and watch people when they're trying to change. Even if he is a topic of interest it isn't courteous and we should go." With that he nodded once more to Dirk and pulled Kurk out of the room.

One last time their eyes met and Kurk smiled a little smile that left him feeling hollow inside before he was gone into the hallway.

Numbly he pulled on the clean clothes he had brought and hugged the sweatshirt around his body as tightly as he could. As comforting as the bathroom had been a few minutes ago, he couldn't wait to leave now.

His shoes squeaked slightly against the hard floors of the facility hallway as he walked back to his room. His thoughts were quiet for once, terrifyingly enough. That didn't stop the horrible flutter of terror in his chest when he spotted Doctor Rose leaning against the wall right outside his door. He'd expected this but he still wasn't prepared. She even had her clipboard with a file open on it. She closed it with a snap when she noticed him approaching.

"Dirk. So nice to see you. How are you?" He stopped a few feet away and stared at her.

How was he? How the FUCK was he? Uh, not good! Hello, ah yes, I seriously injured another person in the hallway, locked myself in the room and made myself pass out and then had sex with one of my only friends here to distract myself and then tried to drown in the showers. Oh yeah he was doing just peachy.

"Great. I'm doing swell." His tone gave him away and she actually looked surprised by the amount of acidity falling from his lips.

"Okay then." She tucked her pen gracefully into the folder and Dirk let out a sigh that sounded more like a growl.

"Look we both know I'm not freaking okay. I'm not good, I'm not great. I'm actually lower that shitty on the spectrum of feelings at the moment."

"But are you suicidal?" She raised an eyebrow at him and that gave him pause. Was he suicidal? Did he want to take his life and end it all here?

No.

He had too many questions, too many people he needed to talk to and hug and forgive and explain things to. Number one on the list currently being Jake. He needed to apologize to him. Closely followed by his little brother.

"No...I'm not." An honest answer and it seemed she could tell.

"Good. Then follow me. I know it is getting late but I think we need to have a chat. While you're out of your room we'll get that faulty camera replaced and your door handle fixed." Dirk struggled to take one deep breath as he nodded curtly, clenched his teeth and followed silently. The only thing that stuck in his mind was the faulty camera comment. What had happened to his room camera?

Something nagged at the back of his mind, telling him to remember but it was lost as his feet carried him silently down the hallway. Shoulders slumped in defeat as he followed the only woman who had his ticket to freedom. Each step he took shredded that golden release ticket into tiny pieces.

The second person on his list of people he needed to apologize to, was seeming farther and farther away. 'Sorry Dave'. He thought as the door to the end of his chances of freedom came into view. It was like judgment day and he was being faced with a guillotine rather than a plain old oak door.

They slipped inside silently and immediately Dirk moved to the couch he had become accustomed to occupying during their meetings. That didn't mean he felt comfortable sitting slumped on one end with his face in his hands. As per their ritual, she took up residence in her favorite armchair and crossed her legs before patiently looking at him with her all-knowing eyes.

"So Dirk, tell me in your own words, on your own time, what happened after group this morning?" Her tone was calm and collected the opposite of how he currently felt. She'd said at his own time. Did that mean he could leave right now? Yeah fat chance. Hesitantly he started to speak.

"I was...uh... not feeling good during the meeting so i tried to get out of it as fast as possible and left the room..."He swallowed the stomach acid trying to rise up his throat.

"What do you mean by not feeling good? Were you uncomfortable?" Her pen made notes on the infamous clipboard.

"Yes and no. I was...my mind was wandering and I was starting to panic. A little bit." Having a panic attack and actually admitting that you had panic attacks were completely different things. He was an open book at the moment, skin ripped from his body to reveal the true flesh underneath and god damn it, he was NOT comfortable.

"I see. Alright go on, what happened as you were trying to get to your room?" The amount of swallowing he was doing wasn't helping at all with anything.

"I was approached from behind by someone...and..."

"You were approached by Cael yes." He nodded and reached up to run his fingers through his still messy and wet hair.

"H-He, dragged me off down the hallway or some shit and then attacked me and I...I don't remember exactly. I was remembering some things at the same time when i kicked him away and I think I hurt him." Guilt flared up inside of him and he buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him that badly but I was pinned against a wall and a-and!" He was cut off when she cleared her throat and put down her clipboard. She never put down her clipboard. His skin crawled at the realization and alarms went off in his head like a fire alarm in the dead silence of an abandoned school.

"It's okay Dirk. Please take your right hand for me and spread out your fingers. Then place it on your stomach and just gently feel the rise and fall of your chest." He completed her instructions in a stupor only to feel the rapid expansion of his chest and slowly he realized he was hyperventilating again. Shit when had he started doing that?

"W-what-?"

"It's okay. I want you to inhale slowly so that you feel your chest expand with the air and then exhale and feel it release. Do this as many times as you need to. Slowly." With his hand pressed firmly against his upper abdomen he was able to feel each breath and eventually they slowed down. It helped to relax him and his mind cleared as the panic from remembering faded.

"There. Lets take this very slowly Dirk. It's clear that remembering what has happened is very stressful for you, so I want you to take your time thinking about things and telling me." He nodded slowly and took another deep breath just for added calming affect. It actually worked too.

It was incredibly painful, but after an hour or so they had made it through what had happened after group therapy. Apparently he'd been locked in his room for several hours but the commotion around Cael being injured had kept all of the staff occupied during that time. At the end he expected to feel relieved, but instead Dirk felt more confused and unstable than ever.

"This was good. I think we've made some real progress now." She seemed pleased with herself as she tapped the black pen lightly against the clipboard in her lap. The sound reminded him of a metronome and he idly wondered if she was going got hypnotize him with the methodical and dreary sound.

"Progress... you call throwing someone into a wall progress?" His teeth were forced together in a show of anger and personal frustration. What was he supposed to do, get better by hurting people?

"No, that was actually unacceptable behavior. Even if he is an asshole. I was referring to our conversation, this is the first time you've opened up to me." He felt the irony and groaned softly. Maybe he didn't want to open up to her off he was going to feel like this every time.

"Yeah well, opening up doesn't feel too good." He rubbed his eyes in gentle circles and bit back a groan of frustration.

"Dirk." She shifted her legs and crossed her ankles before leaning forward slightly to look him in the eyes. He met her gaze without backing down, it wasn't like him to back down. "What you're doing is difficult. We can talk about your problems all day but actually working towards fixing them? It is not going to happen over night. It takes work to make changes in your life and in your mind. You are making progress, despite how futile I know it must feel." A slight warmness filled his chest but it was chased away by his own self doubt and he just nodded in the silence that had returned to the room.

Once it was obvious that he wasn't going to speak Dr. Lalonde fixed her clipboard and started to flip throught all of the pages in search of something. He watched attentively with drawn in breath in anticipation of what was to come.

"Regretfully you did assault another person in the facility. However it was in self-defense so I'm only giving you twelve hours of solitary. It will be effective immidiately and dinner will be delivered to you in the room shortly. Once twelve hours are up you will be allowed to return to activities such as group and regular meals with the other patients, okay?" She stood up and smoothed out the lines in her grey skirt. Dirk felt his stomach drop.

Alone for twelve hours. He wouldn't get to speak to Jake for twelve hours about what happened. Or explain to Roxy and ask for her help...

His three month mark was looking worse every minute. She was right about one thing; These problems he faced weren't going to go away over night. In fact they might not go away at all...ever.

......................................................

Those thoughts stuck with him as he was escorted by a nurse from Dr. Lalonde's office around the hallways until he entered a new wing he wasn't familiar with. There were only four doors along the hallway and it was clear that one of them was already occupied. At least by the two guards standing outside of the room Dirk could only assume it was occupied.

Naturally his feet took him to the opposite wall as he passed in front of the room and continued on to one further down the hallway and away from the "Hulk" in his confinement. Thank god he didn't have to be near him or worse, in the same room. Before he'd left, Dr. Lalonde had told him that he would be staying in the same hallway as Cael but that his stay was much shorter. Hopefully he wouldn't be seeing the jolly green giant for awhile, or ever again but that was unlikely.

"You're over here." The male nurse produced a ring of keys and shifted through them until he could produce one to open the door a bit farther down the hallway. He hadn't realized that he'd stopped, paralyzed in front of the other door and quickly moved on. The last thing he wanted was to be caught in front of that door if Cael was to ask for something, he could feel the rising panic just at the thought of it happening. 

Clenching his fists repeatedly helped him move his feet to what would be his solitary confinement cell for twelve straight hours. Despite his feelings he thanked the nurse and received a small smile in response. 

"Just sleep through it and you'll be out in no time. Dinner will be brought shortly." With those words the door was closed after him and Dirk turned to take in what a solitary confinement cell looked like. 

It was essentially a box.

There was a bed in the far left corner and that was about it, besides the two strips of lights built into the ceiling. Blank grey walls surrounded him on all sides and looked as dreary as they did the day he walked into this god forsaken facility. No, not god forsaken. Government forsaken, life forsaken, color forsaken. This whole place needed more color.

So he was stuck in a box, to think about what he did wrong. With a snort of laughter Dirk trudged over to sit on the bed slowly. It creaked under his weight and for a moment he feared it would break. 

Thinking about what he did wrong, oh he was really good at that. 

So he thought about it. About everything that had landed him in this place. It was chaotic and the more he tried to find the root of the problem the more frustrated he became. By the time there was a knock on the door and food was brought into the room Dirk wanted out but he bit his tongue and decided to start from square one. The food was less than appetizing but he did have an extra roll. The nurse informed him that the Cafeteria woman insisted that he have another one and he felt oddly flattered and a little creeped out by the second roll.

As he stirred the over-cooked spaghetti he returned to a place long forgotten. Square one, when things started to go wrong;

Third grade. It had been any normal day in any third-graders life consisting of going to school, learning how to write in cursive, which he sucked at, and running around on the elementary playground like a normal kid. Except that he wasn't normal and he never had been normal. God he remembered the exact moment too. His best friend at the time had wanted to go play tag, but Dirk wanted to play on the swings. Ben had adamantly grabbed his hand started tugging him towards the small grass field where everyone was gathering and the warm feeling he got in his chest sent off a million alarm bells in his head even then. Ben was holding his hand, and he liked it. He liked it a lot.

Instantly he felt his slightly chubby cheeks turn reddish in the warmer spring weather as he let himself be dragged towards the group of rowdy boys and the few brave girls who wanted to play tag. If only he hadn't blushed, if only he had resisted the urge to wrap his tiny fingers around Ben's and not let go of his hand. If only Nathan hadn't noticed and pointed it out.

"Dirk's blushin! Ben he likes you! He likes you!"

What? He didn't have feelings for Ben, he just liked holding his hand! What were feelings anyway and how did you know? Confusion swam in his head at the other boy's accusation.

"What?!" The yell from next to him made him jump as the hand pressed warmly into his was suddenly ripped away. Ben was walking backwards away from him like he was a contagious alien specimen that was going to eat him. They had been playing alien attack yesterday in his front yard. 

"Wait..."

"Shut up Dirk! That's gross! My parents said that you'll die painfully if you like a boy!" Ben's shouts were heard by the whole group as everyone turned to look at both of them. Nathan was no help either, clutching at his stomach laughing.

"Hahaha! Look at him, look at the little faggot he looks so crushed! Ben you've been friends with a sissy this whole time. I bet he wants to kissssss you." Dirk felt his cheeks get even hotter, but it wasn't from a pleasant warmth like before. Not this was a burning heat that was the combination of extreme embarassment and anger. White hot anger. Ben was HIS friend and Nathan was turning him against him! All because they had held hands! He hadn't even grabbed Ben's hand in th first place!

"I-It's not like that! I don't wanna kiss boys!" He shouted back in an attempt to save his dignity and his friendship but everyone was already laughing at him in a circle. Never-ending faces all around laughing.

"Ben and Dirk sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love-" Ben looked mortified as he quickly turned and shoved him as hard as he could. Dirk was significantly less coordinated as a third-grader and tripped backwards to fall on his butt in the grass. It hurt a lot but he didn't cry and he was really proud of that. What hurt the most was the look Ben gave him, like he was angry at him for holding his hand. For even being near him. He looked disgusted with him.

"You stay away from me Dirk! You.... Y-You QUEER!" With that he turned and stormed off and Nathan and the group of kids made faces and turned away from him like he was a piece of trash nobody wanted to pick up off the ground or claim. He was on the same level as garbage. 

It was then that he wanted to cry more than ever, but he didn't. He sat in that same place and stared at his knees, biting his trembling bottom lip. He would have fought back, he'd told himself, but he was better than that. Besides what was the point when they were all clearly wrong. 

Dirk wanted to cry now as he remembered how hard he'd tried to believe that lie. How he'd tried to be the bigger person and ignore it every time they would call him names in the classroom after that or make kissy faces at him. Ben never spoke to him again. Oh he'd tried to hold conversation with Ben but he was always met with silence or with the only word that could stab him fastest in the heart.

"Go away you queer." 

He'd tried so hard to deny what had plainly been revealed that day. He'd kissed a girl on the cheek in fourth grade but he knew he didn't feel anything for her and she said he had cooties, so what was even the point? The fact that he could remember all of that was what shocked him. Shouldn't he have forgotten it by now? What was the point of clinging on to something that happened so many years ago? 

Clearly he'd gotten over that and in middle school he didn't date anyone, too afraid to trust anyone with his secret. It had become painfully obvious in sixth grade that he was more interested in watching guys than he was girls. He loved being friends with girls but anytime they would try to get to know him he just knew that he didn't feel anything for them in return.

It wasn't until sophomore year that he decided he didn't care what people thought anymore and even that had been a painful experience. He'd grown taller and he had been taking self-defense classes and was trained with a sword. By no stretch of the imagination was he someone that could be picked on. According to his classmates he as also apparently very handsome but most days he had a hard time seeing that. The looks he'd get from the sports playing boys and even some of his teachers killed him most days. If you've ever gone to school completely nude on accident then you should know what it's like to walk around feeling exposed like that. y that time he had perfected his indifferent exterior. Not once did his expression slip in those judgmental hallways. That is until...the incident.

Dirk sighed and rubbed his temples, clearly if he could remember those parts of his past this clearly, then it had importance. For the briefest of instances he considered telling Dr. Lalonde about them. Asking her what it meant, but would she even know? Did anyone know? He sure as hell had no clue when or where he developed the creeping fear that everything was out to get him. That he wasn't worth even half a penny and that his thoughts and words were useless and hated by everyone. Everyday he woke up feeling more useless. His non-existent self-esteem took an internal beating every day because he couldn't keep his brain quiet. 

In his box Dirk had reached lower than rock bottom. Somehow his life had led him into the negatives of feeling good or even human about himself. 

With a great sigh he gave up and laid out on the ridiculously small cot. If he could lay down and sleep forever and just disappear he would really like that. He would love that.

Yet it was impossible. Sleeping forever was not an option, at least it wasn't now that he wasn't at home. Locking himself in his room for days was what landed him in here. Normal people didn't lock themselves in closets and have anxiety freak outs every other day. Normal people didn't want to sleep forever. Normal people weren't gay and emotionally detached. Normal peopled weren't him...

He was not and never had been 'normal' and he never would be. As sleep threatened to drag him under he wondered if maybe that was the key to getting out of this place. Maybe he wasn't supposed to be normal when he left, maybe he needed to accept that he would never be normal and understand that it was okay. 

Ha. Fat chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So to write this story I have to get into a very personal and actually kind of sad mindset and I usually listen to really depressing music. Recently with college going great and I've just been having a blast doing what I love and falling in love that I would go to sit down and I couldn't write anything on the level that I knew the rest of the chapters had been at. 
> 
> So finding my pace with writing this might take some getting used to again but again don't fret, I do have plans for this and I will finish this story....eventually. Huehue.
> 
> Hopefully the next installment will be up within this or next month. I really do try and i love all of the encouraging reviews they mean a lot to me and really motivate me to continue the story. So thank you all so much <3


	13. The Island of Misfit Toys

Dirk awoke to a gentle knocking on the door. He squinted his sleep crusted eyes and peered in the dim lighting towards the door as the lock slicked open and the handle slowly turned. There was no window in the room and he had no concept of what time it was. His head felt heavy and his body was stiff from the horrible bed. As much as he'd tried, sleep had been an off and on thing throughout the night. 

His mind was alert with the opening of the door and his hands tensed against the bed underneath him. His mind kicked into high gear and produced images of the person he wanted to see least at that moment stepping into the room. If he had to choose he would run, bolt right out of that door and down the hallway. 

His elevated pulse and build-up of adrenaline was all for nothing as the least intimidating and probably nicest person he had ever met, at least at Sburb Institutions, stood in the doorway.

"Good morning Dirk!" He groaned and fell face forward into the lumpy and mostly flat pillow. It wasn't even a pillow, it was a dense form of pancake in all honesty.

"Well, I guess I shouldn't have expected a perky response."

"Sorry... want to close the door and I can try again?" He mumbled the words only tilting his head upwards enough so that the words wouldn't be muffled by his sorry excuse for a pancake pillow.

"No, I think that would be too much work. Besides you don't even look like you could fake it until you make it right now." She frowned and walked into the room, letting the door close behind her softly. He felt the bed dip underneath her weight and resisted the urge he felt to look in her direction. It was the polite thing to do but he didn't want to look at anyone. 

"Can't put effort into much of anything right now Janey."

"That bad huh?"

He nodded silently and pulled his face deeper into the pillow. Some people say that sleep is like a reset button and as long as you have slept then things will look better in the morning. Maybe that applied to normal people, he wouldn't really know. Especially that night, he hadn't gotten hardly any sleep at all and things looked as grim as they had the moment he'd decided to try and close his eyes. 

"You know, you're not the first person to ever get sent to solitary for a night right?" He could feel her understanding gaze and it somehow made him feel guilty.

"It's super comforting to know that I'm on the same level as Cael now..." Jane didn't deserve his bad temper or his snarky comments and he felt bad for taking out his feelings of frustration with himself on her. She just took it all in stride like the saint she was though. 

"That's not what I meant silly goose. I meant that even the friends you've made here have been sent to solitary for different reasons. Jake, and even Roxy you know." Dirk paused and slowly lifted his head to look at her where she perched on the end of his makeshift bed. 

"Roxy? Why was she in here?"

"Well not this room specifically but she had a bad week and smashed some things in a hallway, a few bottles. It's not really my place to say but the point is that this isn't the end of the line. I think you'll find that things will be almost back to normal, more than you think at least."

Slowly he let those words permeate the thick clouds of mist that surround his head. They sunk in past his defensive walls and settled deep into his mind. This wasn't the end of his rope. His babbling and overreacting had landed him here but maybe it wasn't the end of everything. Jane sure seemed to believe that things would go back to normal so why shouldn't he?

What about Jake though? His mind provided a nugget of doubt that would most-likely grow into an entire tree of doubt if he wasn't careful. 

"I messed up... Not just in the hallway." Jane met his gaze with her understanding blue eyes and Dirk felt like he was being silly just by looking at her.

"If they're really your friends they will forgive you Dirk."

Despite his inner seed of doubt he nodded. He was at square one but just like he'd thought after his shower last night, now was the time to set things right again. It was easy to break down and much harder to build himself back up but he had done it before and he would do it again. Maybe just a little differently this time, maybe he wouldn't use such harsh walls. There would definitely be walls, but Dr. Lalonde had made it clear that talking about things was progress. He hated it, feeling exposed but progress in her eyes was what got him out of here. Got him back to his little brother at home. So that he could fix things there.

Jane stood slowly and smoothed out her nurses uniform and walked softly towards the head of the bed. He didn't expect it but she was suddenly ruffling his unruly hair and getting it everywhere in his face.

"Hey...Stop that!" Despite his best effort he ended up smiling and even laughing when he sat up and swatted away at her hands.

"Are you awake now sleepy head?" She was smiling brightly at him and already his day felt better. Like a virus her smile was contagious and he was smirking right back at her. Dirk held his fist up and gently tapped her in the arm in a playful punch. 

"I'm awake. Thank you for getting me up Ma'am." He emphasized his slight Texan drawl and pretended to reach up and tip his hat for added effect. Already today was seeming better and he'd missed group. Always a plus. 

Jane waited for him to fix his clothing and get used to standing before she held the door open for him and they departed. It was silent in the hallways but it was a comfortable silence. She informed him that it was around lunch time and everyone was either in the activities room, a term she found more desirable than 'play room', or the cafeteria. His stomach was still a little unsettled for the night but he decided to check out the Cafeteria first.

He bid Jane goodbye at the front desk and left her feeling better than he had in several days. Despite his screw ups, the fact that she believed in him made everything just a little bit better, he was lucky to be able to call her a friend. 

Feeling better didn't mean that he didn't have some apologies to do still. To Roxy and especially to Jake... especially to him. Maybe to Cael someday as well, maybe but probably not, definitely not today or anytime this week for sure. He wouldn't be able to handle that. 

Just thinking about the hallway incident made his brain shudder with the preemptive feeling of an anxiety attack. 

The cafeteria was surprisingly empty as he entered it and one look at the food was enough to make him feel queasy so he steered clear of the non-existent lunch line.

A quick scan of the room revealed that Roxy was sitting at the usual table with her back to him. Callie was next to her and they were...they were holding hands. Dirk had started in their direction but stopped when he noticed their hands. Would he be interrupting something if he went over? What if they were in the middle of an intense conversation? They weren't facing each other though... Dirk walked a bit to the side and noticed a head of wild dark hair sitting across from them.

For a moment he thought it was Jake and his heart probably literally jumped into his throat and tried to suffocate him. A second look dashed his hopes as he realized it was Karkat sitting across from then. Jake was much taller than that and he didn't wear turtleneck sweaters. 

These facts didn't stop the twisting of his insides as he approached the table. 

"Oh Look who has returned from the box of complete and total boredom and nothingness. How was your stay?"

Roxy whipped around so fast he just knew she had to have given herself whiplash, her scarf even flew in an arc around her and nearly hit him in the face.

"Dirky! Ohmigosh you're out!" She quickly untangled her legs from the seat and swiveled on the bench to hop up and greet him. He wasn't expecting a full frontal hug but that was what he got. Arms full of Roxy he hugged her back gently and a bit awkwardly as he practically bounced on her feet. He didn't say anything but her hair was definitely occupying his mouth too. 

"How does it feel to be a free man again?" She held him at arms length and looked him over as if he'd been in some kind of peril. Dirk hadn't really been able to get a good look at himself since the fight but from the look on her face he could tell that he must have at least a few bruises of his own. 

"Uh...good? Look Ro-Lal I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you and do those thing-"

"Yeah yeah. Sit down shit stain we were discussing things and you just interrupted the whole conversation."

"That's not a very nice thing to say Karkat." Callie chided him gently but smiled and waved at Dirk with her usually sweet demeanor. He couldn't help but wave back at her with a small smile of his own. 

"Right! We were discussing important things. Come and sit Di-Stri! Whatever you were gonna apologize for don't even worry your pretty spiky blonde head about it, all is forgiven. Just join in the gossip circle." She dragged him to the bench and he obediently sat down on the other side of her. That was easier than he had even imagined...everything was back to normal. The three of them seemed animated and he could only feel wary about what they must be talking about. 

"Alright so back to important matters. Seth still thinks he can beat you and I'm not gonna brag about my friend but he's pretty good with a controller. If we could convince them to let us play games just one day you guys can settle your stupid fucking argument and see who the best is already. I'm sick of hearing his voice anytime I bring up games."

"Well I mean I don't even need to test it to know but if it will put him in his place then I'm down for a match." Roxy's smirk was dangerous and ready and there was no doubt in Dirk's mind that she had the confidence and skill to back up her bold claim. 

Dirk listened as they argued over which games to fight in and who would end up going and asking for permission to do it. Apparently a game tournament was going to go down sometimes soon. That is if the staff were okay with it. 

He couldn't even remember the last time he had played video games or how it had even gone. His brain supplied him with memories of kicking Dave's butt at Mario Kart but that seemed ages ago. Everything outside of this place seemed ages ago.

"What about you Dirk?"

"Huh?" He looked up from the table and met Roxy's bright eyes with his own. 

"He's not even paying attention! Oh my fucking god." Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration and let out a growl. Dirk noticed that the bags under his eyes were incredibly prominent today.

"Thats fine. Dirk do you want to be a part of the game tournament?" Callie gently touched his shoulder and he regretted the fact that it made him flinch ever so slightly.

"Yeah! Come on Di-Stri! We can be a team and we can pow pow and kick everyone's asses!" Roxy was animated next to him and for her sake he smirked slightly and nodded his head.

"Yeah I'd love to. It sounds fun." His enthusiasm was faked for the moment but he felt better than he had yesterday. Anything felt better than rock bottom, except for when he felt nothing. Numbness was worse than any rock bottom; because numbness was the place you reached when you were out of rocks. Numbness was a black hole, taking away everything you ever thought you cared about. He would take rock bottom over numbness any day.

"Then it's settled! Karkat has to go ask!" Roxy pointed at the smaller male and laughed heartily at his expression.

"What the fuck? Why me?!" He exclaimed in frustration.

"Cause it was your idea in the first place! Come on the worst they can say is no." Roxy was very convincing when she tried and after some back and forth, Karkat had agreed to ask and stormed off from the table muttering things about stupid girls and fucking bullshit ideas of his. Dirk thought that Karkat was interesting and silently he wondered what it was that kept him up yelling at night and created those dirk circles under his eyes. 

A small part of him wished that he could fix it. The rest of him just wanted to observe and know things about everyone. 

His thoughts took him down a different path. 

"Dirky, what are you thinking about?" Roxy poked his shoulder lightly and reached up with her other hand to ruffle his hair. "You're spacing out you know!" She was trying to cheer him up. 

Dirk cleared his throat and gently poked her in the arm as retaliation as he thought of a way to phrase his question. 

"Ro-Lal, I know why you're here..." Her eyes widened and she immediately looked away and guilt flared up inside him. He hadn't meant to make her feel uncomfortable. 

"I didn't mean it like that, or I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I was just thinking out loud and I remembered that I do know why you're here but that I don't know much about anyone else. You know how sometimes you are friends with people but you realize that you don't actually know them or what they like and then you have to buy a present for them and you have no idea what to get and you suddenly feel terrible about not knowing enough about your friends. You know?" His words spilled out like water through a flood gate, unstoppable and dangerous.

Her expression had quickly gone from one of discomfort to one of incredible amusement and she grinned widely at him. It was almost disconcerting.

"I'm so happy you think we're good friends! I'd love to tell you more Di-Stri! I promise not to get weirded out just ask away!" Her arm extended to the side as the other one gently rested over her heart. The dramatics of her gestures managed to pull a smile from him and ease the mounting tension. He almost didn't feel horrible about his rant. He did feel awkward about his question.

"Alright. I'll cut to the chase." Dirk cleared his throat and looked around briefly to make sure they were the only ones listening. 

"Why is Jake here Roxy?"

Her expression gave nothing away at first but her smile slipped a little bit. It seemed that Roxy was honestly considering the best way to answer his question as she played with answers in her head. Eventually she turned to face him and folded her hands in her lap. 

"Di-Stri, you gotta hear me out for a second here. I think you should ask Jake that yourself. I'll tell you a little bit of what I know but you have to promise me that you'll ask for his explanation when you next see him, okay?" He found her answer odd but nodded all the same.

"Alright, i'll ask him." He was planning to have a talk with Jake anyway. That is if he could get over his stupid nerves.

"Good! Alright so most of us, that is his friends, know this and he isn't very proud of it at all..." She trailed off and Dirk couldn't help his snort of amusement.

"Are any of us proud of why we're here?" Roxy was making a serious face and his expression dropped to match hers.

"You have to be serious about this Dirk. You see Jake told me that he didn't have the best home life. Not abuse or anything but he was alone a lot and as he grew older he kind of developed an addiction to physical contact." Something inside of Dirk dropped down below the floor. He didn't like where this was going at all and Roxy could tell.

"It's okay! He's still great and he's still Jake but after awhile I guess he developed a need for sex whenever he felt overwhelmed or anything." She trailed off awkwardly and Dirk was astounded by the respect she treated this conversation with. It wasn't being presented as gossip or anything slandering. It was presented as it was, facts that were hard to chew and swallow.

Jake was addicted to sex, and Dirk had taken advantage of that without even knowing. The things they had done last night....neither of them had apparently been in the right mind and the feelings that cocooned in his chest made him feel like he was going to simultaneously vomit and cease to exist.

"He's a Nymphomaniac..." Roxy nodded in response to his words and Dirk took some time to swallow the pill he had asked for.

"Yeah... He told me once that they basically have him on medication to try and keep his hormones and urges under control but I mean you yourself know how well the medications actually work..." A grave silence fell over the table and Callie gently tapped her nails on the table. 

They sat their in silence and contemplated why they were really here and what it was they had been pretending it was like just moments before. As friendly and normal as they could be, they all had their problems. They all were a part of the broken toy group. Dirk found great pleasure in that analogy and as the nurses told them to wrap it up and head to either their rooms or the playroom he stood up and rolled his shoulders.

"Well... I guess that makes this place the island of misfit toys." 

Roxy stood up next to him and smiled brightly. She gently reached out and squeezed his hand. 

"Even misfit toys are wanted by someone." With those words they left the cafeteria and headed down the hallway. The urgency he felt to speak with Jake had increased significantly since he'd sat down at the table but so had the dread. Now what would he tell him? Sorry for taking advantage of you because I had no idea why you were here or that I was actually making your situation worse by fueling your addiction?

Yeah that sounded like poetry... Not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still working on this! I promise! All the comments encourage me so thank you!
> 
> I won't give up!.... ; A;


	14. Every Step You Take is Weighed Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow man it has taken me FOREVER to update! Don't worry guys I'm working on this I promise! Only problem is I am currently borrowing a laptop or working on my phone cause mine decided to quit on me!  
> Sad face.
> 
> This chapter is filled with a lot but I'm proud to announce we are nearing the end! Whew...it has taken me forever but I think giving this story closure will also help me give the Homestuck chapter of my life closure as well. Anyhow please enjoy and I apologize for the long wait.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented, it made my day every time and encouraged me to keep this story going. Thank you and this chapter is dedicated to you guys. <3

Dirk wandered away from the Cafeteria in an aimless daze. Jake was here due to his obsession, or more accurately his addiction to sex. Did that make Dirk the bad guy? He'd asked him to stay...tempted him with the worst poison that could have been given to him.

It tore away at him inside, knowing that he could have done something like that to Jake. He'd been nothing but nice and helpful to Dirk and what had he done to repay him? Tempt him with his body.

His shoes squeaked on the linoleum tiled floors with each step and it grated on his rapidly fraying nerves. He needed to find Jake but his chest ached for what he had done and it drove him in the opposite direction. Further down into the hallowed halls of the facility.

Where would he even begin when he saw him? Sorry for being the rudest jerk ever? Sorry for messing everything up the first and most likely last time they would be together. God why couldn't he do anything right. Wasn't he here to get better? Not to drag everyone he met down with him? Fuck. When had things gotten so confusing.

His hand found the wall immediately to the left and he slowly leaned against it for support. Every day he stayed here he felt more lost and confused. Each new thing he learned about himself...about his friends, was an anchor on his foot pulling him deeper under the waves of doubt. He'd reached the bottom last night. His toes had hit the slimy sandy bottom of the deepest part of his personal ocean.

This morning he'd though that he'd seen the sun and that he wasn't sinking so much as floating slowly towards the surface. Only to get snagged in the thick seaweed and caught just below the reach of the light with this new information.

No. No more getting bogged down in his head with his stupid fucking analogies and his dumb thought process that always led him astray. He flattened both palms against the cool wall and leaned his forehead against it. No more silly distractions and pointless doubts. He was going to find Jake and apologize immideately like any sane, normal fucking person would do. It couldn't be that fucking bad.

With a deep breath he pushed off of the wall and took the first of many squeaky steps that led him to the rooms over everyone. If jake wasn't in his room then maybe he would look for him later. If he was there then Dirk would talk to him for sure.

Kani stood in the doorway to Kurk's room and seemed to be in a heated debate with the silent man. Dirk was on a mission, so he kept going straight down the hallway. His ears wandered without his consent though.

"Yes I know you're worried but he can't be your responsibility all the time!" Kani's voice certainly liked to carry in the hallway. "Kurk you're wearing yourself out but trying to help. He's here for help just like you are-... I know!!! If I could save every miserable person in this place from themselves I would try. Gam will be fine It will all be okay I promise."

Dirk winced at the reference to miserable people. He was one of those miserable people and despite the intentions those words stung a little. 

With head ducked low he walked briskly past the room they were conversing in and continued on. Absently his mind wondered who they were discussing. Was it him? Who knew. He didn't really think that anyone, especially Kurk would want to waste their time trying to help him though. Regardless that poor soul wasn't going to be helped anyway because Kani was clearly talking him out of it. 

Dirk proceeded on his way around the rounded corner and down the other hallway with rooms attach to it. He'd really only been here once and that was during his initial tour. He knew for a fact that Jake and Roxy both lived down this hallway though. Roxy was nowhere to be seen, probably hanging out with Calliope, but Jake on the other hand. Was smack dab in his doorway. 

Talking to Doctor Lalonde. 

Shit shit shit shit shit. Dirk tried with all of his might to put the brakes on and hightail it out of there but his heavy footfalls had already given him away and both lifted their gazes to look directly into his soul. 

If you've never been frozen in place by someones gaze then you won't understand but it felt like their very gazes glued his feet directly to the floor. More than that his shoulders locked up and his mouth stood frozen mid-breath, half open and drying out due to the stale hospital hallway air. 

"Dirk. I'm glad to see you up and walking around. I hope your stay last night helped a little?" Doctor Lalonde looked at him over her clipboard as Jake seemed to shy away into his doorway and pulled his gaze towards his shoes. Dirks gut twisted in response to that body language and he responsively drew his arm across his body protectively. He resisted the urge to push his non-existent shades up on his face.

"Yeah well you know..it was whatever." He bit his bottom lip anxiously and looked to the side. His left hand twitched, wanting to reach up and rub the back of his neck. He resisted, that was a dead giveaway. Instead he forced himself to stare directly at Rose.

Their eye contact was fierce and ended abruptly when she looked at her clipboard and turned to walk straight towards him. 

"Well I think my business here is done. Jake I expect to see you in my office later today." She gave them both a small smile and brushed past Dirk to head down the hallway. She seemed a little irked about something and Dirk watched her receding back for a moment before turning back to the room that was supposedly Jake's.

Their eyes met for a moment and an emotion akin to shame swept over Jake's face before he looked away. Into the darkness that was drifting out of the doorway of his room. 

"H-Hey Dirk. How's it going mate?" He sounded unsure and Dirk wasn't sure how to proceed. He'd expected the carefree Jake he'd come to know and his less than developed plan was quickly crumbling around him.

"Hey. So what was that about." Hesitantly he edged his foot forward a step and motioned to the rounded corner where their doctor had disappeared.

"I Uh...Need some more...sessions soon apparently." Dirk flinched as thought of blame stabbed through him. Was it his fault Jake was in trouble? Did he cause something to happen? Did he make him worse?

"Oh..." He looked down to the side and across the floor. Why was he even herr? The awkward silence pulled all of his internal organs in different directions making it feel like the invisible hands of the world were pulling him in half on the spot. Emptying him of his thoughts and insides one awkward word at a time.

"So, how are you?" Small talk. This was small talk they were having and it did nothing for his internal state of mind or body.

"Jake I-..." his words were snatched from his mouth by fear and the contemplation that maybe if he spoke these words it would all be over. This delicate friendship he had formed and the potential for more was about to crumble all around him. Just like all his past relationships.

"I'm sorry." He paused as surprise halted all his steadily plummeting thoughts and stared up at the boy who he hadn't noticed was on the brink of tears.

"Wait...what?" Dirks took a step forward as Jake rubber fervently at the corners of his eyes with a fist.

"Im so sorry. Dirk I.... ever since the other night I cant." He swallowed, Dirk could see his Adams apple bob with the motion of holding back sobs.

"I can't stop thinking that I took advantage of you. I'm so sorry. You didn't know and I didn't even take a gander at how that might effect you chap. Of all the bloody wrong things to do in that cluster fuck of a situation I probably did the darn worst thing and I haven't even the foggiest why! Yet I fucking know why.... c-cause I-" He choked off fighting more sobs and rubbed even hard at the corner of his eyes. A sniffle or two leaked out and Dirk felt his heart wrench at the sight.

This man was crying in front of him. Apologizing for what he thought was taking advantage of him and...well had it been? He didn't even know. Post panic attack he had just wanted to feel close to someone, it wasn't that he'd been unwilling more than he too hadn't been in the right mind. Dirk had assumed that he'd been the one to unfairly take advantage of Jake...especially with his condition.

Despite what seemed like just a misunderstanding, Dirk had never been good at dealing with his own emotions...much less someone else's. Jake was falling to pieces in front of him and he awkwardly took a step forward and almost robotically put his hand on the man's shoulder.

The contact only seemed to open up the floodgates on Jake as his previously contained sobs surged and bubbled forward from the back of his throat.

"I'm so sorry Dirk." He hiccuped and sniffled and it was honestly pretty gross. Dirk felt guilty for thinking that but it was... not pretty. "I'm a horrible best mate... I understand if you came here to say you never want to see my mug in the light of day again." God he was fucking dramatic, had he always been that dramatic?

"I came here to apologize."

Jake paused and looked up at him with his wet eyes, confusion ran across his face rampant. Dirk couldn't seem to loosen his stiff arm on Jake's shoulder.

"What?" God he was fucking horrible at explaining. He inhaled and wished for strength and the ability to not fuck this up.

"I asked you for something I had no right to ask for at the time. I was fucked up...I'm still fucked up. We're both fucked up. If fucked up were an ice cream flavor our faces would be on the fucking carton. We'd probably make millions cause everyone is at least a little bit fucked up..." He was on a tangent again. A pained sigh left his lips and his free arm pinched the space between his eyes right on the bridge of his nose mercilessly.

"My point is...I didn't know your circumstances for being here and regardless it wasn't appropriate to ask for what I did and it didn't do either of us any good and I'm. ... I'm also sorry." He kept his eyes closed and pinched tightly together because he didn't want to face the expression on the boys face. Didn't matter though, he could hear the disappointment when he spoke.

"Y-you.... you asked someone why I was here didn't you..." his eyes flew open and he yanked his hand off Jake's shoulder to hold it up defensively.

"Not because I was trying to pry! It just became important to know and Roxy kinda filled me in this morning but she said I should ask you to explain anyway but I got scared that... well that I really fucked up." He paused in the midst of talking a million words a minute. "I was scared that I'd done something unforgivable to you." His words trailed off into a tense silence as energy seemed to radiate between them mercilessly.

Jake wiped his nose on his sleeve and sniffled like his nose was going to fall off. It sounded like it might but his sobs had died down as the conversation had progressed.

"I guess were both a little to blame for it then..." Dirk nodded stiffly and took a peek up at the man's face. His eyes were lost in thought but at least they weren't leaking anymore.

"Yeah..."

"Do you think you can forgive me mate? I'll wash the slate clean if you do the same to yours?" It was awkwardly phrased like most things that left Jake English's mouth but Dirk swallowed thickly and nodded with as much enthusiasm as he could muster as a practically emotionally dead teenager.

"Great! Oh boy howdy was I worried about talking to you about this." Dirk felt the corners of his lips twitch upwards. Who the fuck said boy howdy? This kid. This kid said it just now.

"You're a dork." Dirk smirked and reached out to roughly mess up Jake's hair and watch him squirm and swat his hands away.

"Hey stop that." He chuckled and step back holding up playful fists. To think this character had been crying moments before. "I'll prepare for fisticuffs if you right up and do that again Dirk!" playfully he held his fists up like a boxer, but his form was totally off.

"Do you...want to explain why your here for me?" Dirk killed the mood with a single sentence and watched his face drop again. Good job Dirk.

"Immediately?"

"No I mean...well we could if you wanted but like if you want to do it a different time that's fine I guess..." his shoulders bounced with a shrug and his hands found their way into his pockets.

Dirk watched Jake contemplate the choice and waited on the edge of his metaphorical seat. Honestly he wasn't ever sure if he was ready to hear it from Jake himself but it did need to be discussed eventually.

"Honestly ol chap I'm destined to be in the room of inquiry soon. I think it's best if we leave that chit chat for a later date. I'm sorry." Dirk nodded and felt an unwelcome wave of relief sweep over him.

"Nah it's cool. We'll just try to have it tomorrow or sometime this week?" He left it a question and felt a mixed twist of uneasiness when Jake agreed.

In the end they hugged awkwardly and Jake departed for his session with the doctor. Dirk stood in the doorway of Jake's room and leaned against the wall. He exhaled heavily and closed his eyes. That was one conversation under his belt. It was fucking hard but it was done and done.

It was almost the end of the week...he could maybe try and call his family on Saturday or something. It'd been so long since he'd had any outside human interaction. Half of him wanted to call Dave but his gut clenched and his jaw locked. No, he wasn't ready to do that yet.

Not yet...

He turned and kicked the wall to his right lightly and shoved his hand deep into his worn jeans. He had no belt and they sagged slightly wit the force. He couldn't be bothered to care, if his ass was showing he didn't think it mattered.

At least until he imagined in the back of his head that Cael might turn the corner and he pulled his pants so high up he definitely gave himself a wedgie and caused a bit of pain.

Stupid fucking paranoid thoughts...

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"What kind of progress do you think you've made Dirk?"

The same question. Every fucking week this same fucking question on Saturdays. 

What progress did he think he'd made? Well he sure as hell didn't know. He still thought about everything at once, every word that left his mouth made him cringe and beat himself over the head. Every corner he turned his brain made him picture the worst scenario on the other side. Each day was him fighting himself and he noticed it now more than ever. 

"Do you ever feel like you're floating above the world Doc?"

He'd taken to referring to Dr. Rose as Doc to preserve his snarky exterior.It was only mildly working, he had a feeling she liked the nick name which irked him. 

"How so? Please explain Dirk." She was fucking writing again. Damn it. Regardless of her furious hand he pressed on with his hands fidgeting in front of him as he lounged on the couch, anything but comfortable.

"One day you wake up and you feel detached. A few feet above everyone else and the only thing that ties you to the world is a string tied to your little finger. If you struggle too hard you'll break the string and float away forever...lost forever. Yet...if you don't struggle at all you're just left out of everything forever. Invisible to the world, different and outcast."

The silence was stretched taught in the room like a tightrope. The only question was who was going to speak up and walk it first and risk falling. 

"Is that your answer to my question?"

"Is it? I don't know."

"I think you should try to explain it more."

"You think a lot of things."

"I do but so do you Dirk."

They were off track and it was only a matter of time before she asked another question. 

"Are you struggling too much or not at all?"

He didn't answer.

"Or perhaps you're scared that if you continue to struggle your string will break permanently and nothing will ever go back to normal with your feet planted firmly on the ground."

Again his answer was silence but her light hum proved that she had figured it out. Smart ass bitch...it wasn't fair when she was right. Dirk closed his eyes and pursed his lips. 

"I'm never going to get better am I?" He fought the tightness in his throat and the wetness creeping up behind his eyes. 

"Only if you give up. Dirk, you will struggle with this for the rest of your life there is no sugar coated way of saying that. But you can learn how to make that struggle easier here. So as you grow up each year gets easier and while you will still have what you do it won't affect you like it does. My goal here isn't to magically cure you of your anxiety and fear and self hatred, my goal is to teach you how to live with it in a positive way."

Maybe she meant those words to be encouraging but he didn't feel any lighter when he left her office. 

Chains hung from his legs with weights at the end. One read Anxiety and the other one read Self-Loathing. His two problems apparently forever cemented to his body and his life.

She'd upped his medication again, trying to find that apparently 'perfect' dose. He would take it tonight and see if it helped tomorrow. There was group therapy tomorrow though and he didn't feel emotionally prepared for THAT beast either. 

Sometimes he honestly wished that he had the opposite problem. If his mind was constantly blank, and he was depressed maybe it wouldn't be this bad. This constant worrying, constant thinking that he used to accept as a daily thing and he now realized....wasn't apparently normal.

Growing up he'd always considered himself pretty damn normal. Normal mom, normal dad, pretty normal brother. No. Deep down he'd known. He'd felt it when he used to jump when balloons would pop at birthday parties and scream when thunder struck the ground just a mile away.

He'd always been afraid of his closet...and almost everything. To over come it his dad had put him in Martial arts classes. He'd learned boxing and jujitsu but that didn't help his fear on the inside.

He'd always second guessed what people thought of him and he had always needed reassurance. Especially from those he loved... constantly afraid that he wasn't good enough and never feeling good enough. Sometimes he was right and he wasn't good enough...but apparently normal people just oozed confidence and he didn't fit inside that neat little fucking circle.

He was almost angry but he contained himself.

For once...Dirk felt like it wasn't fair. That life really wasn't fucking fair and he was mad about it. He was mad that he had to pick the shitty card when he drew his hand. That his rotten card had spread like a virus and he was destined to lose the game of life because of the hand he'd been dealt. The one he'd been given...

Someone down the hallway called his name and he looked up and squinted at the approaching figure. 

Cute blue skirt...oh it was Jane. He headed in her direction, eyebrow raised in inquiry.

"Yes?"

She practically bounced on her toes in her cute ballet flats.

"Dirk you have a visitor!"

He stopped in his tracks and stared at her. The sounds of the hallways played like a melody between them as they stared.

Violent laughter erupted from his chest and he gripped his side. A visitor? Oh man that was priceless. Why would only want to visit here and now? 

"Ah good joke Jane." He chuckled and wiped his eye. "Man i almost bought that."

Her face fell dramatically and she crossed her arms.

"What you don't believe me? Oh come on just go to the front office or your visitor will get bored by himself!" She pointed sternly down the hallway and raised an eyebrow threateningly. She certainly had her moment where she definitely looked in charge of the situation.

"Seriously?"

She thrust her arm out again down the hallway and he started walking. Okay, not a joke but who in the hell was visiting him? 

Cautiously he walked toward the office and with the utmost care he peeked his head around the corner. There was nobody there...oh wait there was a little bit of jacket hidden behind the corner...who had a jacket that color?

Oh shit. Oh hell fucking no.

No way in all the Hells combined, all fucking seven layers of that bullshit. 

There in the office, playing awkwardly with the children Legos was; Dave. Fucking. Strider.

Shit on a fucking toaster.


	15. Anxious Self-loathing Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a new laptop! How exciting is that? Got this chapter up a bit soon and i'm happy about that!
> 
> Hope you enjoy and once again thank you all so much for the lovely comments. They really do encourage me and make my day <3
> 
> We start in Dave's POV and move to Dirks just a heads up!

Dave sat nervously in the awkwardly small waiting room of the facility. His red sweatshirt was baggy on his 14 year old frame. He had started his first year of high school a few months ago and it had been hell. Due to its convenience he was of course attending the same high school that his older brother Dirk had gone to...before the incident.

Naturally his last name gave him away, like a viscous name tag printed on all of his person everyone knew he was related to the bat shit psycho ward insane Dirk Strider. All of the seniors avoided him like he was about a second from flipping his own shit.

Despite the shitty beginning to his high school experience, he didn't blame Dirk. Well okay, maybe he had at first just a little bit. That first week of school he had cursed his older brothers name on several occasions.

Eventually some sense was knocked into him by his long time friend John and he started to understand that in the end this wasn't something he should hold against his own brother. His best bro, next to John of course. That didn't really give him an excuse for having waited so many months, nearly four to be exact, before coming down to visit. It had taken him a week of leaving blunt notes on the fridge to convince his parents to let him visit.

Sitting here now, he wondered if he'd made the right choice and the gravitational pull his shoes had on his gaze was relentless. Was he ready for this? Not really. He didn't know. Everything inside of him was a confused ball of blood and guts and rap lyrics.

So many rap lyrics. Which were completely useless in this situation.

His palms were sweaty against the rough denim of his pants. They were new. His parents had taken him shopping as a way to distract him from what was really going on. His new jeans made him feel guilty.

No. He needed to not think like that, especially when he was about to see Dirk again for the first time in months. He missed him a lot more than he openly wanted to admit. Also, there was something very important he needed to tell him...very important but he really didn't know if now was the time to bring it up? Would it make it worse if he waited?

A shuffling near the entrance made him look up suddenly at the doorway. A figure was shoved into the room from behind.

"Just get in there already you silly butt!" It was a womans voice but the person that stumbled into the room was definitely male. Definitely had a disaster of blonde hair on top id his head and was definitely looking terrified in the middle of the large waiting room.

"Dirk...?" Dave stared with a mix of confusion and apprehension at the lanky teenager hunched over in front of him.

"Heh....Yo, Lil bro."

The silence streched on between them for what felt like eons. Neither looked at the other. Dave had quickly looked at the zipper on his jacket and started to fiddle with it as the awkward seeped into the corners of the room and made thinking difficult.

Come on, he had to think of something to say in this stupid situation.

"So..."

"Yeah...so." Dirk responded as if desperately looking for a topic to talk about. They both pursed their lips, looked at each other and promptly looked away again.

"You..." Dave swallowed thickly, jiggled his zipper a little and opened his mouth to continue.

"You...look good I guess." He cringed at that opener, that was really something. Things had never ever been this awkward with Dirk before. Quiet maybe, but tense, like this? Never

"Yeah? I do?" Dirk let out a bark of a laugh and Dave could see his weight shift from foot to foot awkwardly. "T-thats good... I guess thats good."

Dave sat up straighter when his older brother moved to sit in one of the uncomfortable wooden chairs next to him. His fidgeting increased. What was he even doing here. Did he expect to accomplish something by visiting? He hadn't even asked if Dirk had wanted him to come, that was stupid.

"How are mom and dad?"

Dave swore he heard his brothers voice catch but refused to believe that hogwash. He'd never know his brother to cry.

"Oh you know...they're hanging in there. Like a good suburban married couple." What else was he supposed to say. They didn't ever really discuss what had happened. Dave felt guilty for that. It was like they had all just started pretending that Dirk didn't exist and wasn't...where he was. That he wasn't in a mental ward trying to regain himself.

"I'm Sorry..." Dave sat up straight and looked over at his only sibling, sitting next to him as he spoke.

The person he saw sitting next to him was different. Different than the brother he had grown up with, looking up to. Also different from the terror stricken man they'd pulled from his brother's closet that was sleep deprived and malnourished. Scary looking. Lost.

Dirk was there but he still looked broken. He wasn't smiling and he looked guilty. That was wrong because Dave was the one who felt guilty. For not having visited. What had it been....three months? More? Dave watched silently in apprehension as his big brother continued.

"I'm sorry that...you have to see this and that....I probably screwed e-everything up for you." His words were shaky and Dave stared wide-eyed from behind his shades.

"I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself...when it happened. You looked so scared...I remember you looking at me when they put me in the ambulance...and at school in the hallway. I'm so sorry Dave. If you don't want to talk to me I won't blame you."

They fell into silence again as Dirk avoided eye contact. Dave was fumbling for words and he knew that something dumb was definitely about to leave his mouth.

"I'm bisexual..."

What. WHAT. WHERE THE HELL DID HIS BRAIN SUPPLY THAT FROM? God this is why he didn't like to talk or having emotional conversations. That was not a good way to say what he had wanted to say.

Dirk was looking at him now. No. Dirk was STARING at him now and his mouth might as well have been hitting the ground.

"Oh..."

"Yeah..." There was no sense in trying to back peddle but he could already feel it coming on. "And by that I mean it's you know. I'm not actually sure why I felt the need to tell you that all of a sudden. Shit..." He frowned and fidgeted in his chair uncomfortably.

"I'm...uh gay? If that helps at all..." Dirk supplied an answer and Dave nodded as they both shifted away from each other a little bit. This was....absolutely horrible.

Why had he even said that. Oh god this was a horrible idea.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dirk was, mildly confused by the entire situation but specifically by the turn this conversation had taken. They had both been bad at controlling what left their mouths but this awkward had taken a new level between them and Dirk found himself feeling the brunt of the guilt for it.

The last thing he wanted was for Dave to feel like he was wasting his time here but a quick peek at his face showed that he was already regretting coming down here.

Was there even any way to salvage this situation? At this rate they would leave on worse terms than before.

No...nothing could be worse than the look of horror Dave had had on his face. Dirk forced his anxiety and apprehension down his throat, resisted gagging and pushed forward into the horrible field of conversation. Dave beat him to it.

"I...don't hate you. I'm not mad at you. If thats what you think then you're wrong and stupid." Dirk stared at his little brother in his too big red sweater all blonde hair and dark shades.

"Thanks...I" Ugh why was this so hard. Why were emotions so hard to talk about. "Dave I feel like i, let you down...I feel like I made your life more complicated than it ever needed to be."

"It's not your fault...Shit man life is complicated."

Dirk chuckled at that and pulled his hand over his face as he exhaled.

"Yeah...I guess it is isn't it?"

"Just a little bit." They paused in thought. Dirk staring at his hands and Dave looking at the painting on the opposite wall.

"...I miss home."

"You do?" Dirk nodded and swallowed the tightness in his throat.

"I miss ice cream on the weekends and shitty movie marathons." It was true. He missed really dumb things. Things they used to do together that didn't exist here, in this place.

"We don't really do shitty movie marathons anymore...not without you."

"You're kidding?"

"Nope. Who else is going to pick the movies? You're the one with the shit taste in movies." Dave snickered a little and slouched in the rock hard wooden chair. Dirk had taken to leaning forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

"I guess thats true." He drifted off into memories and looked at Dave from the corner of his eyes. "How's high school?"

Dave groaned and shoved his hands deep into his jacket pockets.

"School sucks. Everyone is dumb. Except John and Jade, they're cool." He shrugged and Dirk left it at that. He really wanted to know if his freak out had damaged Dave's reputation. If people were being mean to him but it was too soon to talk about that with him. As it was it was obvious that they were both still avoiding the main topic. That being how the fuck he was actually doing here.

Dirk was grateful because he didn't have an answer. Just bullshit spilling from his ears, eyes and mouth.

"Got any good teachers?"

"One of them likes to hand out candy. I like him enough." Dave was nonchalant about his answers but Dirk feared they would fall into another awkward silence.

"Thats uh good. I'm glad to hear that..." He rubbed his hands together and chewed on the inside of his cheek. If he kept that up it would be sore by the end of this conversation. "Are...Are mom and dad okay with you, ya know visiting?"

He watched Dave purse his lips and disappear into thought. Good or bad?

"They're okay I guess. They didn't want me to visit and mess up your getting better by bringing bad vibes or something like that." He paused and struggled for words. "I wanted to come anyway..."

Dirk was touched by his words but it was clear by the heat in his little brother cheeks and his low tone that admitting all of this was incredibly uncomfortable to him. Hell it was uncomfortable to both of them.

What was he supposed to say in response to that? Thank you? You didn't have to come visit me? That sounded harsh and made it seem like he didn't care about Dave but...it wasn't like that. He didn't want him to see this side of him. The uncontrolled, reckless and honestly fucked up scared side of him. He'd always tried to be brave for his family, for Dave...and he'd failed.

Once again they fell into silence but on Dirks end it was calmer. It wasn't strained like a string puled taught, ready to break with the slightest touch. He was actually relieved that Dave was here, that he came to see how he was doing. Speaking of that Dave probably still didn't even know how he was doing or what was wrong with him for that matter...nobody knew but him.

And probably Roxy but that was because she knew almost everything.

"Did anyone ever tell you?" He looked at Dave, his expression as guarded as it could be without his shades on. The only response he received was a shake of the head. He sucked in a breath and let it out in a steady stream. Great. Good job mom and dad.

"Do you want to know...?" He watched closely for an expression change or something that would indicate that Dave didn't want to know but the nod he received shattered any hope of not having to explain. He copied Dave's nod and sat back in his chair, eyes closed, trying to phrase this delicately without botching it.

"Alright, no freaking out on me okay?"

"I'm pretty sure thats your job." Fuckin hell Dave. Dirk reached over and shoved him gently with his hand and cracked a smile when he heard his little brother laugh breathlessly. Shit, maybe he could do this.

"You little shit. Listen close cause I'm not saying this more than one time. Fuck okay, here goes." He was trying to give himself a pep-talk but like a band aid it was better if he just ripped it off fast.

"Alright I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety and what the doc likes to call Self-loathing...which basically means that I hate myself." There is was out in the open. There was no taking that back now that it had left his mouth. In a way, saying it himself left him feeling lighter. Just a bit...as if actually admitting it out loud made it just the faintest bit okay. Even if he knew it wasn't okay.

"Why would you hate yourself? I thought you were pretty great."

That statement struck him like a bullet and he turned to stare at Dave as the words echoed inside of himself. Why would he hate himself? Because...because he did dumb things and he wasn't right all the time and he hurt people and made their lives miserable. Right? Wasn't that right?

"I-I..." He couldn't find words as Dave stared back at him in equal amounts of shock. Eventually his internal searching came to a dead end and he collapsed inwardly and outwardly in his chair.

"I don't know bro. I don't even know..." Dave sighed next to him and he felt something in his hair. Dave was playing with his hair.

"It looks weird when it's not all spiky like you used to do it."

"It's a pain in the ass and it's in my face all the time." He grumbled and ignored the thoughts that were spiraling out of control inside of him. He had no idea what he was feeling, his emotions were a clusterfuck of everything right now. incomprehensible mess of a brain he thought bitterly.

A nurse, not Jane, came into the room and let them know that time was up for the visit and that Dave would have to leave now because it was starting to get dark out. Dave's phone buzzed with a text from his parents saying they were there to pick him up and Dirk didn't blame them for not wanting to come in. He was just grateful that Dave had been willing to come in and put up with him.

They stood and Dirk pulled Dave into a hug and squeezed him tightly. It was awkward as fuck, they never hugged like this but he felt that he needed it.

"I'm glad you're okay Dirk."  
He spoke into Dave's white blonde hair as they embraced. Gently he pulled away and ruffled his little brothers hair.

"Thanks for telling me you were bisexual." He grinned, as best he could and enjoyed it as Dave's expression dropped into the category of mortified.

"I didn't even mean to say that like that!" His frown was deeper than ever and his cheeks were crimson and god Dirk had missed his brother.

"Well you did say it and I know now. So don't have too many affairs with all of the ladies and the gents kay bro?"

"Yeah well same for you. Don't go creepin on any guys here." Dirk smirked and shrugged as he turned to leave.

"I give no promises Dave!" He called over his shoulder and left. he'd never been good at goodbyes and if he lingered he knew he would cry. Which was not something Dave needed to see. A small smile graced his features as he walked down the hallway and away from the waiting room.

Why did he hate himself?

Dave had brought up a really important question and a big chunk of his self loathing, he now realized, had come from being afraid that he wasn't good enough. Hah, there goes his anxiety rearing its big ugly head again. He had always thought he wasn't good enough to be a big brother, to be a good son and a good friend and now Dave had told him that he was great and he did feel like crying.

All he had to do was get better but as always it was really easy to sit here in this place and dwell on things and not want to get better. It was so easy to sit here and give up and decide that he was worthless. It was so easy to tell himself those things because thats what he was struggling with. It made sense.

Dave's visit had brought him a kind of strength and motivation he hadn't known was possible anymore. His feet carried him in the direction he knew he needed to go, even if the parts of his brain that hated him were scared of everything and told him not to.

There stood the door. Smack dab in front of him and he went and stood in front of it. Face to face with his reality for once, without any feelings of mistrust in the way he could see as clearly as ever. The door read "Meeting in session" So he waited leaning against the wall just outside. 

When it opened a few moments later he looked at the man who walked out and gently reached out to touch the back of his hand. a gesture of familiarity. 

Jake was surprised to see him but smiled softly. Dirk knew he wasn't here to see Jake though, he wasn't here to feel sorry for himself or someone else or to seek comfort in the arms of his friends. That would come later. Now it was time to slay his demons.

"I have to talk with the doc. I'll see you tomorrow at group?" It was more of a question than a statement and Jake nodded. Playfully he punched his arm before walking off with his hand in his pockets, whistling god knows what folk tune. Dirk watched him for a bit and rubbed at this upper arm out of habit.

No more stalling. Jake disappeared around the corner and he turned to face his decisions.

Dirk stepped into the room, quite uninvited and stood directly in front of Doctor Rose. He made sure to look her directly in the eyes.

"Dirk? We don't meet for another two days, what brings you her-"

"I want to get better."

She blinked at him in surprise and confusion.

"What?"

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

"I said I want to get better. I'm ready to get better."

She crossed her legs and looked up at him, calculating and calm once again.

"That's no easy task. It takes work and it takes effort on your behalf. You're going to be fighting yourself to get better, are you sure you're ready?" He locked his jaw in determination and jerked his head in a rough nod motion. She smiled that cat-like coy smile in response.

"Alright Dirk. Take a seat and let us get started." She stood up and shut the door and Dirk mentally buckled himself in for a what he already knew was going to be a bumpy ride of recovery and learning.

"Lets start with your childhood..."

oh god he thought as she pulled out her clipboard and a notebook. Here we go...


	16. Zip your lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Looks at August update time*....I am so sorry
> 
> Here take this. It's short but important and I'm already writing the next chapter but I give no promises.  
> Thank you so much to everyone who has left comments and supported this story. Even if I'm not really into Homestuck anymore this story has almost become my place to explain what anxiety is like and when I've had a hard day this story is what I turn to.  
> Your support means the world to me and I hope you keep enjoying the story.

Dirk was struggling. At least struggling meant that he was trying instead of resigning himself to defeat like he had been when he first arrived here. It had been weeks of reviewing his childhood and past experiences and the more it all unraveled around him the more he realized how many years on top of years his head had been twisting things and how it all lead up to the accident at the school.

In simpler terms. He was even more fucked up than he had ever realized before. Each session he left feeling like his entire life was a giant ball of disaster waiting to happen. Over the year he'd apparently just been reinforcing his own bad habits without even realizing it, telling himself he wasn't good enough, laughing instead of really looking at how he felt. 

It was wasn't until the third serious session that they got into his family relations and honestly this session was by far the worst yet. 

"How well do you and your dad get along Dirk?" He stared at the tiled ceiling above himself and pursed his lips in thought. 

"I dunno..." 

Dr. Lalonde folded her hands in her lap and gave him a look. It was that all knowing look that was both sassy but honest. He knew a lecture was imminent. 

"Dirk. What did we say about empty answers?" 

He groaned and smacked his palm into his face and drug it dramatically down his face, pulling on his eyelids and skin. 

"Empty answers don't help us solve anything they just lead us to meaningless ends that don't help me get any better. Blah blah yeah I know..." pulling his hand away he looked back up at the tiles in deeper thought, clearly that answer wasn't good enough so he searched deeper. Did he get along with his dad? I mean mostly but they had...some rough patches growing up. 

"We're alright I guess. He's always had really strong standards for me...well for us. Especially me, once Dave was born." 

Rose wrote something down and nodded. She seemed pleased with the answer which as always left Dirk feeling like he was taking some high school oral exam. 

"That’s a good response but can you elaborate? How was he hard on you? Physically? Emotionally?" Dirk snorted and shook his head. 

"Probably not emotionally. The man practically has no emotions...he's a rock wall of Texas muscle. Born and raised cowboy turned suburban by my mother." He sighed and forced himself to think about the bad times and why they had been bad. 

"He...always wanted us to be strong and stoic and well naturally I was signed up for jujitsu and self-defense classes and he wanted me to be on a sports team. I mean your average dad really..." He trailed off at the end. 

"Oh? And how did you feel about all of that?" Dirk shrugged and covered his eyes with his hand. He'd felt emotionally dead. He'd liked jujitsu but he'd never liked any other sports really and he'd always enjoyed robotics and music instead. His dad had wanted them to be just like him and Dirk had one fatal flaw...that always seemed to be the root of their problems. 

"I talk too much..." 

Dr. Lalonde looked surprised for a moment and cleared her throat. 

"Dirk you're supposed to be talking right now-" 

"That’s not what I meant." He interrupted her and apologized as he came to a full sitting position. Fully facing the doctor as his words played on the tip of his tongue. 

"What I meant was... for my dad, I always talked too much. When he'd be trying to teach me something I would always go off on another topic usually about how excited I was or just keep talking about something boring that happened to me at school and I think it frustrated him. It's confusing cause I don't think it's a big deal but he would always make the zipper motion over his lips...sometimes even in the middle of my stories and...." He stopped and stared at his hands intently. 

"And...? What happened because of that?" She prompted gently, pen and paper forgotten for the important conversation at hand. 

Dirk was lost in his head, remembering every time in elementary school he'd start talking about boys in his class or the pictures he drew and how his dad would zip his lips. At first it had been a joke but into middle school it was more forceful...his dad would always zip his lips and change the subject. He would cut him off. Hey dad today I met this nice guy and he said- zip. Did you hear about the game this afternoon Dirk? Every single time he would tell a story... every time he would start to talk about how he'd felt that day what he'd experienced...the end of middle school he'd less frequently tell stories. 

In his memories by the time he hit freshman year he couldn't remember telling anything to his dad at all...he couldn't remember the last time he'd had a conversation with his father in the last 3 years that wasn't one sided. A conversation that didn't consist of him grunting or nodding in response.

"I... I think I stopped telling him anything. Everything. I stopped telling everyone everything..." He slid his hand up to cover his mouth and bit the skin of his palm. He'd stopped telling his stories. He'd started wearing his shades inside. He'd hidden his eyes because they were his give away. His dad liked the shades as well, said he looked good in them so he kept wearing them and hiding behind them. 

He'd given him a thumbs up in response. 

"Dirk...are you okay?" Dr. Rose tucked her clipboard into the side of her chair and leaned forward across the space. 

He shook his head. He didn't feel okay and he was upset because he felt like he wasn't supposed to feel or at least show that he was feeling and yet he wanted to cry. 

"Dirk, if you're blaming yourself then I implore you to stop. Blame is a very interesting thing. Most people will blame others for their problems or mistakes, but there are a number of people in this world that blame themselves for everything. Even the things nobody has control over, like natural disasters or accidents. This blame you feel isn't just on you and it isn't just on your dad or your family. It's equally shared between everyone. Everyone you've ever met has played a role, significant or insignificant in the person you are today and a lot of it is also left up to chance circumstances.“ She glanced at the clock and stood up from her chair. He barely watched her walk to her desk as she put her clipboard away and resumed talking. 

"Now that we know where you started to censor yourself and stop expressing as much I want you to try and reverse that. You've been convincing yourself that your opinions and thoughts are unwanted by everyone. Which isn't true, quite the opposite actually everyone here loves your opinions and thoughts. So before our next meeting I want you to work on two things. First thing; I want you to notice when you start blaming yourself for something and I want you to put a tic mark on this-" She reached across the desk and dropped a medium sized purple sticky note pad next to him. "-and write down whether or not that situation was in your direct control or not. Then we'll look at a few or all of them together and talk about if they were really your fault or not and how that blame can be shared with others." She walked back around the desk and stood in front of him with a smile. 

"The second thing I want you to practice is speaking your mind. I want you to share your opinions and talk as much as you want this week." He stared at her blankly, because he didn't know if he could actually do that. It had been so long since he'd allowed that to happen and it had only been in the recent year that his anxiety had let lose the small snippets of stories he had no control over. She appeared to notice his hesitation and spoke again.

"If you can't let your opinions out quite yet, then I want you to instead notice when you block them. Write down the number of times if you have to but I want you to notice when and where you censor yourself. Then slowly you'll be able to overcome that block." She clapped her hands together and walked towards the door. "Well then I think today went well, and you have a lot to work on this week." 

He stared at the sticky notepad in his hands and slowly rose to his feet. Count the number of times he censored himself? In a whole week? He was going to need a full sized notebook for that. Silently he jerked his head in a nod at Dr. Lalonde and left the office space. 

The sound of wheels down the hallway echoed in his head. She wanted him to start thinking about every time he blamed himself for things and how that put more pressure and unfair circumstance on himself. That wouldn't be too bad. He'd already been working on not discounting the positive things his life and trying to actually accept and praise himself sometimes. He could sort of do that so maybe the blame thing would be as bad. Compared to his censorship though, that was a piece of cake. A walk in the metaphorical park of mental sanity and normalcy. This was going to be a long week.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Twenty seven times. Twenty seven times he had censored himself in the past six days. 

"Dirky." How had he been doing this for so long?

"Dirk!" All of his thoughts and feelings just bottled up inside every day for years and years. He hadn't even noticed, it had just become a regular thing to him but maybe that was why he was here now. 

"DIRK!"

"Huh?" He looked up at Roxy sitting across from him in the comfortable bean bags that were situated in the hang out room.

"Jeez, I've only been calling your name for the past century Dirk! I was trying to tell you that it’s not that bad and then you went all silent into your head." She huffed and flipped her scarf over her shoulder. 

"Not that bad? Twenty seven times Rolal! That's twenty seven times that I have to learn how to not do what I normally do in order to get out of here."  
Roxy rolled her eyes and kicked his bean bag from her position lounging in her own.

"That's not what it means Distri. It means that you've already learned how to see when you do it. That’s half the battle already." She paused and pushed her fingers through the small holes in her knit scarf and he watched her stare at it intently. Her fingernail polish had become chipped and he wondered if it was on purpose or if she just hadn't had time to redo them. It was also possible that she'd just stopped caring about her nails. He truly didn't know the answer. 

"You know they say the hardest part to solving a problem is admitting you have one. So the way I see it, you're already aware that you have it so you're closer than you think." She looked up at him and smiled with her black lips and cheeky grin.

"Yeah well...I guess that's right."

"Of course I'm right. So stop being so negative or I’ll have to kick your butt." He chuckled and looked up at the ceiling from his position on the bean bag. Karkat could be heard in the distance kicking someone ass on the Foosball table. That little fucker never left it so it was no wonder why he was so good at it. 

"How are you Rolal?" His gaze remained locked on the roof. They had both decided to do their best to get out of here. Well to get better, for their families and themselves. 

"I'm good. I've been taking the Antabuse for a week now..." She sighed and plucked at a loose thread. His gaze had drifted back over to her face and he silently analyzed her emotions. Looking to see how it had been going. She'd lost a bit of weight but that was a part of the side effects. "It's just gross. It makes me feel so sick when they give me any kind of alcohol now. I know it’s good for me, but it's like... I'll never really be better unless I do this. I won't be able to ever go out with friends to get a drink cause I’ll either feel sick to my stomach at the thought of alcohol or ill relapse and turn into well...this again." 

Dirk sympathized with her but remained quiet in response. Twenty eight. 

No... He was going to say what he was thinking. He would not make that list twenty eight instead of twenty seven. 

"I'm sorry Roxy. That's uh....it's really bad and I w-wish." Shit he sounded so fucking dumb. A torrent of internal debris and noise filled his head telling him to just be quiet and stop talking because he was clearly doing a shit job at expressing anything. A small hand on his shoulder made him pull away from where he was hiding his face in his hands. 

"Thank you DiStri." She was smiling at him and he found it somewhere in himself to smile back. The moment slowly passed and they returned to lounging in their bean bags. 

"I have a uh...A final evaluation next week." She was back to fidgeting with her scarf and she scrunched her nose up comically. "If they think I'm doing well enough on the Antabuse then I might get a release date."

Dirk was floored by this news. Roxy might get out of here in the next couple of weeks. She would be free to go back and start her life again and he would still be here. He sat up fully and stared at her in shock. Truthfully he had mixed feelings but he shoved his selfish wants downwards and through the floor beneath his tattered, lace empty sneakers.

"That’s amazing! You'll get to go back home, to your friends and family!" He was excited for her but she hadn't moved an inch. She was just sitting there continuing to stare almost solemnly at her scarf. It was his turn to kick her beanbag chair to jar her out of her thoughts.

"Hey. Rolal. A release date is good news, why aren't you celebrating with me right now? I can't do robotic dance moves on my own." He made a show of trying to do the robot with his upper body. It wasn't a half bad attempt but it didn't seem to lift her spirits at all. 

"I just..." She sighed and threw her scarf down. "I scared all my friends off. I don't know if any of them even want to see any more after my being in here and..." She sniffled and looked down at her lap. "I've made friends here... You guys are my friends."

Well shit. That’s why he didn't want her to leave as well. I mean yeah he had Calliope and Jane and Jake but Rolal was really his, so to say, best friend. Dirk dug deep to find a response and he tried out several in his head before just giving up and deciding that whatever he said would maybe be alright. If he fucked it up then he fucked it up. 

"I'll come meet you. You know, once I'm out too. We'll go do something dumb, I don't know maybe Fro-yo or ice cream. Those are two different things right? Once I'm out we'll hang out and do something. Just because you get your golden ticket first doesn't mean that the rest of us aren't right behind you, right?" He elbowed her softly. "You're just going to have to wait a week or two to do anything really crazy without me." She was smiling now and laughing her ridiculous laugh with the little snorts thrown in haphazardly. That was all that mattered. Roxy was smiling again and she was telling him that yes fro-yo and ice cream were different and that they could splurge and get them both in the same day. She was happy and that was what mattered. 

Inside he knew it was a lie, and maybe she knew it too but for now they were smiling. There was no guarantee that he would be out of here anytime soon but at least Roxy on the outside gave him one more reason to try harder. They continued to chat about pointless things, like how they were totally not looking forward to group therapy tomorrow and the usual cafeteria lady banter. She'd gotten progressively nicer towards Dirk to an almost scary degree and he was constantly teased about it. 

Soon enough their time allowed for the "play room" had ended and they were ushered back to their rooms for the night. In the back of his mind while he popped his respective does of anti anxiety medicine he wondered where Jake had gone and why he hadn't met up with them that day but his thoughts about Roxy possibly leaving soon overtook everything else as he curled into bed with Lil Cal. 

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A door at the end of the hallway open impossibly quietly and he slipped out into the darkened hallway and shut it behind him without even a squeak. The hallway was empty as he had planned and with silent footsteps he walked briskly towards his own room. With every step he took the euphoria of sex wore off and the creeping guilt set in. Every step was like another weight on his shoulders as he thought about what he'd done. 

In the moment he'd been unable to shake the feeling. He'd been anxious and jittery and sex was what he needed to get his damn hands to stop shaking so much. Without it he would have just kept shaking and shaking and it would drive him mad. Even thinking about it made his shoulders twitch a fraction. 

He took a deep breath to relax himself and quickly crossed the hallway to get to his door. 

Jake English opened the door to his own room and glanced the opposite direction, down the hallway that would have led to Dirks room that afternoon. The guilt he felt tripled and he quickly slipped back into his room and under the covers of his bed. It brought him no comfort or warmth. 

Jake English was a filthy cheat and he knew it and it ate him alive every day of his life. He wasn't getting any better.

The anti-psychotics weren't working and his compulsions weren't going away.

He wasn't getting any better and he didn't want Dirk to know.

He didn't want anyone to know...


	17. Necessary Separation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! HOLY MOLY THIS STORY IS ALIVE?!?!?!
> 
> Yeah I haven't actually been a fan of homestuck for quite awhile now and I was ready to completely call it quits on this story when i suddenly got into a certain mood and all I wanted to do was write the next chapter of this story for therapeutic reasons. (I know you're going to read this chapter and wonder how in the hell this level of angst could possibly be therapeutic in any way shape or form but it was. Somehow.)
> 
> So here you are! A whole year later there is at last a fucking update and I actually plan to finish this story completely in two to three more chapters. So i hope you enjoy even if this is very late because this story is actually quite self reflective and is kind of a love letter to coping with my own anxiety and depression. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Panic Attacks, Depression! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !

It was exactly a week and a half later that she had all her stuff packed up and ready to go. Her room felt bare, even though there was hardly anything in it to begin with. The lack of Roxy in the room was what was chilling to Dirk. He turned away from her bedroom door silently swallowing the lump in his throat. She was ahead of him, walking with Doctor Rose down the hallway. Her suitcase was heavy in his hand but not with her clothes. It was heavy with the weight of his dependence upon the bubbly blonde girl that had been one of the reasons he didn't consider this place a total living hell.

Her nails were a nice purple color, he scarf was wrapped once around her neck and she had been sober for an entire month with the help of Antabuse and her treatment. She had her shoe laces again in her white sneakers and her grin was lined with her signature black lipstick. More people came to see her off in the small hallway than either of them had expected. Jane was there bouncing along and giving her a big hug, practically lifting her off the ground. Jake was there with his horribly phrased well wishes. Calliope was there and so were Kurk, Kani and even Karkat and Seth were there. Hugs were distributed all around and it wasn't until she turned to face him that he truly saw the wetness in her eyes. 

It tugged deep in his chest and he dug deep to pull a week smile at her. He opened his arms and she practically scooped him up in a hug. 

"Di-Stri! You be good now okay?" She was pulling away and petting his hair and fussing over him. "You're gonna be just fine." He realized with a tightness that she was talking to both of them. He reached up and took her hand off his disheveled hair and smirked. "Everything is gonna be fine Ro-Lal. You're gonna do great. Just don't have too much fun until I get there too okay?" The tears finally overflowed on her face and she choked back a sob and nodded enthusiastically. It broke his heart in the best and the worst way. 

She was ushered towards the door and into the embrace of someone who could only be the father or such a bright and lovely person. Everyone cleared out of the hallways as he watched her get into a car and watched the taillight fade around the bend that led to the little facility. He continued to stare at the trees until something warm grabbed his hand and held it tightly with a squeeze. 

"She'll be back to visit Mate." Jakes voice broke him out of his trance and he sniffled suddenly to clear away the tightness in his throat and the stinging behind his eyes. 

"Yeah she will." He cleared his throat and wiped away the wetness that hadn't threatened to fall from his eyes. 

"Let’s go eat some grub and clear our heads, yeah? I'm sure Calliope could use some company too." He nodded silently and they left together, Jake's arm over his shoulders guiding him towards the hallway with the double doors.

The cafeteria was bustling with people because it was just getting to be around lunch time. As much as he wanted to be okay, he wasn't. Roxy had been a big part of him being okay with being here, at least she had made this place not as horribly unbearable. She was the first person he'd talked to when he got to this place, she'd shown him the ropes on his first day and kept him from exploding from the stress and anxiety. Hell, she probably had seen what was wrong with him before he'd even realized it. 

Everyone was doing their best not to think about her being gone and he was failing at it. You see that’s the funny thing about anxiety. The best thing to keep you from panicking and being anxious is to not think about the things that make you anxious. Yet, anxiety makes you think about them with this lovely condition called cyclical thinking. One simple thought sparks a chain of other thoughts that loops tirelessly into a constant circle of worrying about things, then telling yourself not to worry about them, which just makes that person worry about them even more and think about it more and more. Telling someone with anxiety or any kind of panic disorder to calm down, is just about the worst and most counterproductive things one can do. They can't. That's the point of calling it a panic disorder, it just happens and you can't stop the storm you just have to weather it. 

So, there he was, sitting in the hard plastic chairs of the cafeteria, thinking about trying to not think about Roxy but ending up instead just thinking about everything and nothing all at once. Roxy was gone, that much was painfully clear to him. The gaping hole this fact left in his chest was also clear as day. Well at least it was obvious to him.

He felt the attack coming on long before it started. 

His hand got clammy and hot in Jakes' and his feet started tapping uncontrollably with pent up emotions and frustrations. By the time the unending energy reached his chest and tightened its strangling grip on his lungs, Dirk was already excusing himself from the table and walking briskly towards the swinging cafeteria doors. He made it halfway down the second hallway before the tight wetness in his eyes spilled over his precariously built dam. Another twelve meticulously counted steps brought him to the third hallway, the hallway with the dorms, before the hyperventilation started. He'd pushed it down for as long as he could, but he wasn't going to make it to his room it seemed. 

"F-Fuck..." He was forced to lean against the sterile white wall and gasp for breath as tears flowed down his cheeks freely and spattered over the hospital tiles. Tainting their pearly white reflective surfaces with sadness and anger.

No matter how many times he told himself to calm down it only got worse. He yelled at himself about being weak, about not being able to control himself but it only added to the white noise clogging up his brain. He wasn't good enough. Roxy was already better and he was still here. She was gone and he didn't feel any different he just felt more broken. Was she the only thing keeping him together with her happy smiles? Was he that powerless against his own mind? Every similar experience, every single time he'd ever been hurt, betrayed, scolded; they all came flooding back into his brain at once. A giant clusterfuck of bad situations, occurrences, even accidents just there to drown him in his own sorrows. At least he'd learned to refer to this as a panic attack. At least he'd learned that maybe this type of reaction wasn't entirely his own fault while he was here. Professor Lalonde has said that blaming himself for having anxiety and panic attacks only made it worse because while it was his brain, it wasn't necessarily his fault that his brain reacted in this way.

Dirk was sliding towards the floor before he knew what was happening, his brain was dizzy with a lack of oxygen and rather than stop his fall he just closed his eyes and embraced the inevitable pain that would result in his full collapse onto the floor. His muscles were too locked up from the panic anyway, they wouldn't be able to react in time to stop the force his body has accumulated. Simple physics. 

The grounds came more slowly than he anticipated and surprisingly it never came at all. Instead the cotton fabric of a well-worn t-shirt embraced him and brushed his face as arms held him steady and cradled him gently towards the floor. There was a slight jarring impact as the person owning the shirt sat on the ground but there was no pain. 

"I got you mate. I got you." It was Jake's voice that he heard through the white noise in his head. 

Dirk was shifted into an embrace and he readily smashed his tear and snot stained face directly into the chest in front of him. It was all he could do to breathe at that moment as the intense stuttering in his chest refused to stop. 

Jake didn't tell him to calm down, he didn't ask him to pull himself together. He just held him close and occasionally scratched his scalp and pet his hair in soothing patterns as they sat huddled in the empty hallway.

It took time, what felt like years, but eventually he calmed down enough to forcibly control his breathing. Dirk knew that the slightest thought could send him spiraling back into a full-blown panic, so he opted instead for complete internal silence. It was difficult to manage but at even the slightest thought he would shut it down immediately to prevent any kind of panic from stirring in his chest again. He shut his brain down manually, as he had practiced over and over any time he showed too much emotion. It he could have faded into nothing right then; he would have in a single heartbeat. 

"Dirk..." He couldn't even fathom responding to his name as he was focusing everything he had on matching the breathing of the chest underneath his cheek. If he could manage that, then maybe he could respond in a few moments. 

"Dirk, Mate. You're crushing my left foot something real bad."

Oh. So, he was. That's what was digging into his shin. He wasn't sitting on his foot; he was straight up kneeling on it. They had fallen into an awkward position, seeing as Jake had barely caught his dead weight to begin with. 

Without a word, he readjusted his legs and sat next to Jake against the barren wall. Words were still too difficult and he was sure that if he opened his mouth even a little bit that he would either vomit or immediately return to hyperventilating. A.K.A... Square numero uno. He'd worked hard to gain this much composure, fuck losing that shit. 

There was a grunt of pain and a sigh of relief as Jake adjusted next to him and massaged his ankle and foot. It was red in the area he'd been kneeling on and had Dirk been okay he might has apologized verbally instead of in his head.

"I think you're receiving proper oxygen again, so I'm gonna crow while the sky is clear over us." What the fuck did that even mean? Good god you think the boy would use normal phrases when addressing someone with a half assed backwards brain, but no. Jake English was still Jake English.

Dirk laughed, a short barked out laugh that sounded gross and clogged up but he hid his face in his hands and promptly wiped the salty tears and snot away as best as he could and stayed silent. This boy was going to be the death of him. 

"Right... Well I'm a bit scrambled in the noggin right now as well. Roxy was a great gal, and I miss her. She would be all twisted in the knickers if she knew your faucet was leaking in the corridor like this." His backwards talking was taking Dirk so much effort to process at the moment that his panic was subsiding even faster than before. It was a relief for once and Dirk closed his eyes and listened to the vocal cords in Jake's throat vibrate, picturing them like a beautiful instrument like a guitar or violin.

"Ugh..." Was his best response as Dirk ended up wiping more mucus and salt water on to his perfectly clean shirt. Laundry day had already passed as well, that was so annoying. God, he was a fucking mess. 

"Dirk I need to tell you something." Jake's tone was very serious and Dirk had to wonder at his timing. He wanted to have a serious conversation right now? Did Dirk look like he could even properly listen to a silly conversation, much less a serious one? Well maybe listening was all he could do at the moment. Fine he could listen and Jake could talk. It was seldom that Jake wasn't the one listening to his stupidly long monologues so maybe this was a well needed switch. Dirk nodded silently and directed his gaze to Jake's face.

"I want us to get better Mate. I really do." Dirk's eyebrows furrowed and watched Jake as he stared intently at the wall opposite them.

"You're more important to me than anyone Dirk and you don't deserve to keep suffering like this any longer than you have to." Jake closed his eyes and Dirk silently reached out and found his hand in the space between their bodies and gave it a gentle squeeze. His panic was waning even more and exhaustion took its place as he listened intently, now actually curious.

"Mate, you deserve to go home to your brother, and to maybe go see Roxy and not be here." Confusion set in. Yeah Dirk wanted to go home but he wasn't the only one here who did. Jake deserved to go home too, he wanted Jake to be happy and free of this misery too. Hell, he even fucking wanted Karkat to get out of here and be happy, even if the little shit seemed perpetually angry at the world. Rather than interrupting with his own thoughts he listened intently as Jake opened his mouth again. 

"I'm not getting better Dirk. Not here." He swallowed thickly as if the words were physically difficult to speak and Dirk himself struggled to fully digest them. 

"What do you-?"  
"This isn't helping me." Jake interrupted and finally made eye contact with him and it hurt. It took Dirks thoughts and twisted them into a chaotic knot of unease and guilt.

"You mean... that I'm bad for you?" His brain was short circuiting and spiraling down quickly, like it was being chewed up in a sink garbage disposal.

"Golly no Mate!" Jake quickly grasped the hand that Dirk had been trying to silently pull away and brought it up to his own face. "You're nothing but a golden ray of sunshine on a cloudy day but...this." He gestured in-between them and his expression turned pained once more. "This isn't helping my condition..." Dirk felt his cheeks flush a prominent shade of red that he knew made his stupid freckles stand out, as even more guilt and memories flooded to the surface of his consciousness. He'd taken advantage of Jake that night, even if they had talked about it already maybe it hadn't been okay. It really wasn't okay, neither of them had been in their right minds before or during and certainly not afterwards. He hadn't known about Jake's condition but to even ask something like that of him in the first place in such a vulnerable state was manipulative at best and just evil at the worst. God he'd been so selfish this whole time. He hadn't even considered what starting any kind of relationship would do to Jake or his status as a patient here. Stupid Dirk with his stupid needy personality. 

A warm hand cupped his cheeks and redirected his thoughts onto the current conversation. He was able to focus on Jake's face and realized that not only was he crying again but so was the man across from him. The salty ocean is flowing freely tonight, he thought bitterly.

"Dirk, I really like you. More than a jolly good man ought to like another fellow if I'm being honest but, I'm hurting you and you don't even know it. I'm not fit for this kind of fiddling right now and I guess that seeing you all torn up when Roxy left well; that got my hamster spinning about you flying the nest and I." He choked back a rough sob and pressed onwards. "I started fucking thinking about ways to keep you here so that I could satisfy my own...problems." He was crying now and if the lead weight of Jake's words wasn't sitting in the pit of his stomach he might have felt like comforting the other man. Jake was falling apart as the truth became a bundle of wires suddenly untangled in front of him, clearer than ever before. Dread set in quickly afterwards. 

"Jake... When is the last time you...”? He trailed off unable to finish his question for fear he already knew the answer. Jake looked up, all wet tear stained cheeks and painfully guilty eyes as he answered.

"Yesterday... You mean the last time I had sex, right?" His smile was bitter, lacking all joy as a fresh wave of tears flowed down his cheeks. His soft muttered apologies were close on the heels of his broken smile and Dirk inhaled sharply as Jake's head hung low with shame. His breathing was loud in his own ears as he counted the days since their last time together on one hand. He didn't need to count because he knew it hadn't been yesterday, he definitely knew that much. 

It hurt. It hurt more than he thought it would but he wasn't completely shocked. Maybe it was just that he could not be shocked at a moment like this, right after such an intense episode of his own. Jake was completely silent in his confession except for his stuttering sobs as Dirk processed his words. He wanted to hide, he wanted to pretend he didn't care at all. That none of this shit mattered, but it did. It mattered and part of his getting better was not hiding behind a mask anymore. He was hurt, and angry, but that was okay. Jake was right. They were toxic to each other, like poisonous plants slowly feeding off each other until one of them becomes fully digested. He depended on Jake liking him as a type of support, just like he had leaned on Roxy when she had been there and if he wanted to get out of here- No. If he wanted to get better, then he had to focus on himself. It was clear now that he was torturing Jake by offering him a relationship complete with the man’s only vice and all, tempting him, indulging him and ultimately pushing him into the habit he was trying desperately to break. They were hurting each other by trying to be together when neither of them was whole in the first place. How can you offer a piece of yourself to someone when you don't even have enough pieces to function yourself? It was just asking to get worse and it had to stop. It frustrated him to no end because he DID like Jake, he didn't want to be away from him. it wasn't fucking fair.

The anger boiled up in him and Dirk smacked his head backwards against the wall and gave in to his usually suppressed desire to show his emotions. He decided to let it out rather than continue to trap it all inside his skull. 

"FUCK! Fucking FUCK! Fuck this shit! Fuck you! Fuck Me! Just, ugh! Fuck everything." He let out an exasperated huff and with that exhalation some of the tension and hurt in his body left. His chest felt less constricted and the panic remained a low simmer instead of a hot boil. Jake had recoiled from him but it was out of mostly surprise rather than fear. The silence swallowed their situation whole and without mercy. Dirk kept his gaze on the ceiling, looking at the twisted patterns in the tiles and for a moment he was reminded of the hours he'd spent doing just that his first week at this facility. 

"Why are you telling me this now?" his gaze slid from the ceiling over to Jake, who had tucked his knees under his chin and was looking fragile and small in his current state. 

"Because I put in a transfer request this morning. For a facility that has a doctor that specializes in my problem." His words were mumbled and hidden behind his arms, wrapped tightly around his legs.

Ah. So, Jake was leaving him too. He did have the shittiest luck, didn't he? Jake was doing the right thing though, for both of them. If he was to get mad at him for that, it would just be hypocritical. A place like this, wasn't a place for them. If they just kept depending upon each other like a crutch, then they would be crippled for life. If they wanted to learn how to walk on their own they would have to go their separate ways. This is what one might call necessary separation. Painful, sure; but necessary for both their sake.

Dirk turned his gaze to Jake once more and looked from his curly dark hair to his tanned skin and vibrant green eyes filled with curiosity and pain. He found himself leaning forward of his own free will. Expressing himself had always been hard but god damn did he try in that moment. He cupped that perfect face with his withered hands and captured those chapped lips in a searing kiss that would hopefully be branded permanently into both their memories. He placed feelings, hopes, ambitions and everything he had to offer into that one kiss. He wasn't trying to change Jake's mind; he wasn't trying to make him feel guilty; Dirk was just trying to convey how much this short-lived thing they had meant to him. It hadn't been even a grain of what perfect relationships were supposed to be like. This entire relationship, how it started and how it was ending had honestly kind of been a train wreck. However, if anyone ever asked him if he would board that train a second time, if given the chance, the answer would always be yes. It was the most bittersweet goodbye kiss he'd ever had and it tasted like the salt of both their tears. Jake leaned into it and desperately grasped onto Dirk's shirt and pulled him closer. Whatever it was they had made here; it was definitely mutual. There were problems, complications and a few times where neither of their mental states made any of their actions even slightly morally okay; but what they had built was still equally important to them and that was all the comfort they had left.

Slower than what seemed possible they parted and took deep shaky breaths. Jake closed his eyes and pressed their foreheads together and whatever fucked up nonsense was going on in their heads quieted for just a moment as they breathed each other in and held on. Dirks hands slid down to rest on either side of Jakes neck and likewise the grip on his shirt relaxed ever so slightly. 

"Just promise me you'll get better." Dirk's words left in a whisper and it hovered in the space between their lips. The temptation to kiss him a second time was there and it was unbearable for him so he could only imagine how awful it was for Jake. Jake reached up and squeezed the hand on the left side of his neck and choked out a reply of "You too." just before Dirk was pulling away and stumbling to his feet. 

The hallway felt drafty and cold as he silently made his way to the door at the end of the hallway that was his designated room. He didn't look back, because if he had it would have been unbearable. 

The rest of his night was spent in his room; he didn't leave for dinner or for free time. It would be too hard if they ran into each other and he had too many thoughts to sort through on his own. Instead he slept forcibly. Sleeping is fantastic until it borders on comatose and by lunchtime the next day Dirk felt like someone had broken his spine in three places. He felt less rested than he had in years despite sleeping on and off for around twenty hours or so. 

God but his head hurt and his neck was sore and he didn't want to be there. He didn't want to be anywhere but his stomach was demanding attention. Loudly. 

With a groan, he changed out of the snot smeared shirt he'd been in the previous day and at least pulled on a clean shirt, clean pants be damned he was going through shit. Food was necessary for the day and maybe he wouldn't feel like sleeping the rest of his life away once he had some nutrients in his blood. Sluggishly he made his way to the cafeteria and got in the line for whatever was being offered for lunch. If the lunch lady said anything he didn't remember what it was as it was trivial and unimportant. 

He sat across from Callie at their usual table and watched as she stared at her soup and stirred it aimlessly with her spoon. He didn't tell her that it was stone cold already because he didn't have the heart. Instead he took a leaf from Roxy’s book and gently nudged her foot with his under the table to get her attention as he animatedly swished the soup around in his mouth and swallowed. 

“Luke warm, but not bad eh Callie?”

She looked up from her bowl and smiled. He smiled back at he; fully smiled and it felt good. They ate in silence but it didn’t feel like the end of the world anymore. 

Jake was nowhere to be found the entire day. 

Dirk later found out that he'd been transferred earlier that morning without so much as a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See i told you things would eventually start to lighten up! Kind of...
> 
> Anyhow I'm going to try to wrap this story up soon for my own satisfaction and hopefully for you satisfaction as well! Unfortunately I don't think I will do any more Homestuck pieces after this one as i am very disillusioned with the whole aspect of it as i get older but these characters will always have a soft spot in my heart as will this story because Dirk and all the Alpha kids are precious to me.
> 
> Thank you for your support of this story and I'll have that final installment soon! Hopefully within the month of June! :D <3


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